


Get This Right

by orphan_account



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alternative Universe-Modern: No Powers, Angst, Asexual Elsa (Disney), Asexuality, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Gen, Healing, Homophobia, Ice Bros - Freeform, Loss of Parent(s), Mostly mental health problems, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Stupid Exes, Very slow burn actually, but some romance, elsa is a gay disaster, im sorry, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:28:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 68,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23086300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Oh, so I’m just broken then.”Elsa is struggling with the ghosts of her past. She doesn’t want to mess up again, not like before. Anna insists that Elsa is lonely, and that Elsa should find a boyfriend. That way, she could have someone to talk to other than Anna and Kristoff. Elsa says she doesn’t have time, but in reality, it’s the last thing she wants.Well, at least until she meets Honeymaren.She bumps into her, literally, while on a walk in the park. Elsa can’t get the honey colored eyes out of her head, but she has to balance these new feelings with her own stresses and anxieties. Elsa worried that if she goes for it, it’s just another thing that she’ll mess up.But if Honeymaren does like her back...Elsa just wants to get it right.*abandoned
Relationships: Anna & Elsa (Disney), Anna/Kristoff (Disney), Elsa & Kristoff (Disney), Elsa/Honeymaren (Disney), Kristoff & Ryder Nattura, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Ryder Nattura/Original Character(s)
Comments: 58
Kudos: 100





	1. 1

Elsa dragged the carving knife over the price of wood in front of her, watching as a thin piece of wood curled and fell slowly to the ground. _I have to make this perfect_ , she thought, _it’s for Anna._ Her sister’s birthday was in a couple of days, and Elsa was carving her a little figure of them together. She had modeled it off a picture of them while they were on a ski trip in Norway a couple of years ago. It was one of Elsa’s better times. In the photo, they had their arms wrapped around each other, in a what's almost a half hug. Elsa had her other hand above her eyes, and Anna was waving at Kristoff, her boyfriend, who had taken the photo. Elsa was smiling widely and looking genuinely happy. Anna had grinned like a maniac. Elsa smiled at the memory, but then frowned. She can barely remember what being happy like that felt like. 

Anna’s head began to take shape underneath Elsa's skilled hands, and along with it her arm and Elsa’s shoulder. A tear dripped down Elsa’s face as powerful memories overcame her, and she missed the wood, sinking the knife into her own finger instead. Blood drops from the cut. Elsa groans and slams her head on the table. _Why can’t I think anything happy without it turning dark, and sad?_ Her breath hitched as the pain from the cut finally sank in. With a sigh, she got up and grabbed a bandage. 

The day was smooth and normal after, with Elsa getting up to wash her knife and take a break and then checking her email for orders. _None._ Elsa was well known for her creations, especially her wood carvings and clay figures. Sometimes- for special occasions- she made ice sculptures. That was what she was truly best at- but ice carving was hard to do as a profession year round, so she worked on clay and wood as well. She also worked a part time job at the local library. Her schedule was packed, and Anna always told her that she was putting too much pressure and stress on herself. Elsa denied it and said that she was fine. Because she _was_. 

Elsa’s phone rang, and she pulled it out of her pocket to see that the call was from her sister. “Elsa?” Anna’s cheerful voice rang through when she picked up. “Are you still coming over for dinner? Not that you have to or anything, but it’s getting late so…”

“Oh, I lost track of time I guess. I’ll be there soon.” Elsa hanged up, leaving her sister on a “See you-” 

She washed the tears from her face, and tried to pull a comb through her hair. Apathy proved to be her enemy when dealing with her thick locks. Some days, when her self-ignorance has gone on for long enough, she can barely get the comb through. 

Soon after she began to comb her hair she lost the interest and motivation and so she left her house with a sad groan. Anna's house wasn't too far, so she arrived fairly soon. “Elsa!” the redhead squeals upon seeing her arrive and bombarded her with a bone crushing hug. Elsa waved at Kristoff, who stood awkwardly behind..

“I have big news,” Anna announced to Elsa as she brought a couple of plates to the table. 

“I’ll be happy to hear it.”

Once everyone was seated, Elsa turned to Anna. “So?”

“Oh!! So, you know how I auditioned for Annie in that off Broadway play?”

“You got it!?” Elsa and Kristoff said in near-perfect unison.

“No! But I did get the role of Lily!”

“Who?” Elsa was never as into plays and musicals as her sister was.

“Rooster's Girlfriend, the people who pretend to be Annie’s parents?”

Elsa nodded and pretended to understand; she knew the musical, but not terribly well. “That’s awesome Anna,” she paused for a moment as a sudden wave of nerves washed over her. “It’s good, right?”

“Yeah,” Anna giggled. She was becoming such an actress, and had been in a Broadway musical before, as ensemble- but still. She understudied a minor character, and one night got to play them. Elsa felt a sharp pang in her stomach. It was a little hard to see her little sister getting so far in life so early when Elsa spent most of her time hiding behind clay or wood or books. The only people she actually sang in front of were her cockatoo Olaf and her cat Bruni. 

Olaf liked to tell her that she had a great voice, but that was also likely because he told Anna that she sang to him when Elsa put him to bed, and Anna told him to tell her that. 

“Mom would be proud of you,” Elsa whispered, overcome with something like grief. 

“She’d be proud of you too, Elsie.”

Elsa stabbed her fork into her broccoli and the metal clinked on the ceramic plate. “No she wouldn’t.”

Anna had forgotten that, 5 years ago that day, their parents had passed away. Passed away in a car crash. Hearing her mother mentioned made Elsa’s heart wrench. Elsa remembered the first thing she felt after she learned her parents died was... well, relief. 

“I’m sure she would, snowflake,” Anna’s voice brings Elsa back to reality. Elsa could never decide whether or not she liked that nickname, but hearing it so casually now, she kind of hated it. Anna should be grieving or at the very least _helping_ Elsa... _Please,_ the blonde wanted to plead. _I can't go through this alone._

“She wouldn’t, and you know why? I hide behind clay and books all week. I only talk to you and Kristoff and my pets,” she waved her hand in Kristoff’s direction, and he scooted away slowly. 

“I’m going to go,” he said. Neither of the sisters acknowledged him. 

“And if she cared at all about me, who didn’t she do anything about Dad’s abuse?” anger that had twisted in the pit of Elsa's stomach was now replaced with burning fear. And it hurt- 

“If she cared at all,” Elsa repeated quietly to herself. Tears began to prick at the backs of her icy blue eyes. “Why didn’t she do anything about Dad’s abuse?”

“I’m sorry Els. I know what it feels like.” Elsa blinks at her. How could she know? She had always been the favorite daughter. She had always been the favorite, leaving Elsa to always be put behind her. Far behind. Anna was the bubbly fun extrovert everyone wanted to be and who everyone loved. Elsa was the quiet introvert who spent half her life in a library. Elsa was the girl who was quiet about her problems, who kept to herself and who couldn’t stand up for herself. Elsa was the one her father went to when he came home drunk and angry and looking for a way to take out his problems. 

In high school, Elsa wore almost exclusively baggy sweatshirts to cover up the bruises.

Her head pounded. Her throat felt sore, so sore. 

“No, Anna, you don’t," hot tears started to drip down her face, a scalding reminder of _everything_ weighing on her head. “Goodbye,” she shot out of her chair and turned to run to Anna's door. 

“Elsa, I-“ Anna exclaimed, scrambling out of her seat to lunge toward her sister, but Elsa had already slammed the door. 

* * *

Elsa arrived at her own doorway soon, greeted by her silvery colored cat who meowed loudly at her. Elsa smiled at him, and that only made her cry a little harder. A sob fell of her lips but she wiped it away and then sniffed as she trudged inside. “Sorry Brun,” she apologized to the cat, who meowed again hopefully.

She smiled through the tears in the corners of her eyes. Bruni trilled, and led her to the kitchen. Sometimes, Elsa swore that he was human. The variety of facial expressions he had, and the different sounding meows for his moods. She fed him, and he happily gobbled away when Elsa walked into her living room.

“How’s my favorite cockatoo?” she sang, biting down on her lip as the white bird bounced around to face her.

“You have a great voice!” Olaf squawked. “Did you know water has memory?” 

Elsa grinned sadly. “Where'd you learn that?” 

“Alexa.” The robot lights up. Elsa sighed and flopped onto her couch. Bruni jumped up next to her, purring, and curled up partially onto her lap, under Elsa’s arm. Olaf flew over and perched on her shoulder. 

Hot tears burned at the back of her eyes. As she got swept up by a memory, her chest squeezed a little tighter, ripping the air away from her lungs. 

She remembered the punches thrown at her face late at night when she was up late reading. She remembered the bloody noses that she tried to stop with many tissues and she remembered them finally stopping after an hour that felt like an eternity. She remembered the crack of knuckles meeting bone. She remembered her head snapping back against a wall. She remembered tears that burned like fire. She remembered the pain and how it hurt, hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt-

She remembered her mom walking in. Elsa remembered looking at her, sobbing, blood streaming down her face, her shoulder swollen and blue from a new bruise. She remembered her mom looking away. Walking away. Leaving Elsa bloodied and bruised and with a drunk father. 

Elsa remembered that after her father was done punching her, he went to kiss Anna goodnight. 

Elsa remembered wanting to say something to stop the torture- but her mouth couldn’t form the words. She couldn’t talk. Then, she could barely breathe. And even after, she couldn’t tell her mother. She tried, once, but lost the courage when she remembered her mom coming in and seeing her, and then leaving her. **Leaving her.**

_He kissed Anna goodnight._

_Deep breaths._ Elsa told herself and tried to stop shaking. Because of her violent trembling, Bruni had moved away from her on the couch. 

Elsa knew that she wasn’t going to sleep that night, she never did afterward. But she got into bed and lay there. She lay there, her tears wetting her pillowcases until she had to get up and change them.

Elsa didn’t sleep. There were too many thoughts swimming around in her head. When the morning came and her alarm went off, Elsa couldn’t bring herself to get up. Her breaths only came shallowly and her chest felt tight still. Her head felt heavy, and her saliva felt thick and tar-like. The idea of getting up was too much for her to bear, and besides- her only project was Anna’s birthday gift. She still had a few days left to do that. Elsa’s phone buzzed with a text from Anna.

_"Elsa? I’m sorry."_

Elsa didn’t respond. She was wrapped up too tightly in her blanket to move, something that made her feel warm inside. Something that made her feel safe. 

_"Elsa please, I really am. I made a stupid mistake. I should have known that bringing her up that you would be, IDK, brought back."_

Elsa reached out to her phone. _It’s ok._ She typed. It was. _I’m fine now._ She wasn’t. 

_"Elsa? Can I come over to ur house now?"_

_"Don’t you have to work?"_

_"It’s Saturday."_

_"Oh."_

_Elsa, r u sure ur ok?_

Elsa didn’t respond. She wasn't, but how could she tell Anna that? Happy, loving, warm Anna, who deserved that happiness even if it meant that Elsa had to carry this all alone for the time being. 

_"If I could send a sigh, I would. I’m coming over."_

Elsa lay her head back onto her pillow and closed her eyes. She could stay like that until Anna came.

She finally gave in to the, albeit light, black emptiness of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!


	2. 2

Anna knocked on her door, startling Elsa from the gray area between being asleep and being awake. “Elsa? You awake?” Elsa heard. She rolled over into her left side, and tried to stifle a yawn. 

“Yeah, I’m awake,” she yawned. “I’ve been up for hours.”

“Sure you have,” Anna said, and Elsa could hear her giggling behind the door. “But do you mind letting me in?”

“Oh, right.”

Groggily, Elsa trotted to the door and clicked open the locks and let her sister in. Even this early, (it was a little past 8, but Elsa barely functioned before a cup of coffee) her sister was a fireball of energy. Anna’s red hair had nothing to do with that metaphor. Anna twirled in, bounding on the balls of her feet. “I got you coffee,” she said, handing Elsa a foam cup from Dunkin’ Donuts. “The way you like it, too. Extra milk and no sugar!”

Elsa gripped the warm beverage tight between her hands. “Thanks.”

“Anything for you, m’lady,” Anna giggled. “Now seriously, are you okay? You left rather abruptly last night,” she paused, “crying, might I add.”

“I’m fine.”

“Actually?”

Elsa nodded.

“I don’t believe it,” Anna gave her sister a questioning look. “You reacted worse than you usually do when I bring up Mom.

“You usually just grip whatever you're holding tighter.”

Elsa glared at her. “I don’t want to talk about it.” The coffee grew colder in her hands. 

“Was yesterday, like, some big day?” Anna presses. “Oh _shit._ I’m sorry Els. I forgot. I _damn it_ how the hell could I forget?” Tears sprung to Anna’s eyes. “I forgot! How the hell could I have forgotten our parents' anniversary of death? Is that what you even call it? I’m,” she gasped for air and let out a sob that made Elsa’s heart twist. “I’m so sorry that I made you remember all that by yourself yesterday, I’m so sorry. I was being happy. I _had no right_ to feel that happy.”

“It’s fine, you were happy,” Elsa shrugged. She walked back to her bedroom and Anna followed. Elsa lay down on her bed, and Anna sat at the foot of the bed. “I feel guilty, honestly,” Elsa admitted.

“Why?”

“The first feeling I felt when I heard they had died,” Elsa whispered. “When I learned that had died in that car crash, the first feeling I felt was-

Was relief.”

Anna but her lip. “But you had a right to, right? I mean you were finally free from Dad.”

“But our parents had _fucking died_ and the first thing I felt was _relief,”_ Elsa sniffed.

Anna stayed silent. Tears dripped silently down her cheeks. Elsa sat up, and put her face in her palms. It killed Anna to see her older sister so broken. She started to cry harder. Warm, salty, tears dropped down her nose. “E-Elsa,” her voice quivers. “Elsa, I loved you, you know. I loved you even when you shut yourself off.”

“I loved you even when we barely talked for 8 years. I loved you because you’re my sister, Elsa. I wanted to tell you that, always, but I’d walk up to you and you’d run away. You were lonely, and you were hurting, I could see. I wanted to tell you that it would be okay. I missed you Elsa. All of a sudden, you just disappeared. I didn’t know why, until you told me, Elsa. I wish you told me about the abuse you suffered earlier. But that’s the past. Elsa, I just want you to know that I love you no matter what. I know we’re still getting back to how close we were, but Elsa just know that you can tell me anything. I love you Elsa.”

Elsa hiccuped. “I love you too, Anna.” 

Anna wrapped her sister in a warm hug. “Remember the first snowman we made together? _Hi, I’m Olaf, and I like warm hugs.”_

“That was one of my better memories,” Elsa smiled. “That’s why I named Olaf, Olaf. I remembered the whole personality we made that snowman. He was happy and very talkative. The cockatoo reminded me of that.” 

Elsa giggled through her tears. “And Bruni was that salamander we found, and kept as a pet for a day, until we lost him in the backyard.” 

Anna laughed. “Yeah.” 

The sisters sat in silence for a few heartbeats. Anna finally stood up, and dragged Elsa to her bathroom. She pulled a few tissues from a box, and wiped the tears from Elsa’s cheeks. Elsa smiled at her. “By the way, Anna, I did miss you. I love you. But I was scared. I was scared that if I told you about everything, that Dad, that Dad would start taking things out on you too. He loved you. You were that daughter he wanted. I was the one they didn’t. They had you in hopes that they could make up for me. I was always, always the odd one out. I always preferred to play alone. I was always an introvert. He loved you Anna. I-I, I couldn’t take that away from you.”

Anna sniffled. “I love you so much Elsa.” She hugged her sister so tightly, that Elsa felt like maybe her organs and bones were being crushed. 

“Can’t breathe, Anna,” she wheezed.

“Oh, sorry,” Anna giggled.

Elsa looked at the floor for a few long minutes, only looking up when Anna’s phone buzzed. Elsa looked over her shoulder when she pulled it out and saw that it was a text from Kristoff. Anna began to read it, and tried to hide it from Elsa’s view, but Elsa had already seen it.

_Hey honey, want to hang out today? We can go to that restaurant you like and do whatever, if you feel like it. Also how’s Elsa? She seemed really upset last night._

Anna started to type, “ _No,”_ but Elsa stopped her by placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Go,” she said. “Have fun, don’t let me be a burden. I’ll find something to do.” 

“I don’t wanna leave you.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Anna smiled. “I love you, Els. Text me or call me if you need me. I promise I’ll stop what I’m doing and come.”

“You won’t have to.”

Anna squeezed her shoulder. “Dinner and charades at 6:30?”

“You bet,” Elsa grinned.

Anna texted Kristoff, _“Sure, see you soon! Love you!”_ and was out the door in seconds.

“Bye Elsie!” The door slammed shut before Elsa could respond.

_Elsie._ The nickname that Anna has always called her. It started when Anna was a few months old, and just learning to talk. Elsie was what she called Elsa because she couldn’t pronounce her name. Like being wrapped up tight in a blanket, _Elsie_ calmed Elsa down. It made her feel happy. It made her feel safe. 

Elsa remembered the coffee Anna brought her, and picked it up off her kitchen counter. It was cold, but it made Elsa happy. It made her feel loved. Elsa took a sin, and made a face, before placing it in her microwave and warming it up. The microwaved coffee tastes okay, Elsa decides. It’s cheap coffee anyways, but Elsa drinks it because Anna bought it for her. 

_Because Anna loves you,_ Elsa reminds herself. She wraps her arms around her chest. _You should love yourself too._

Elsa goes to her room and picks out clothes for the day, jean shorts and a white tank top. It’s not her most fashionable, but she doesn’t need to be. She washes her face in the bathroom, splashing cold water onto her red and puffy eyes, and washing away the tear stains on her cheeks.

_Conceal, don’t feel._ That was always her mantra for when things got especially rough. It never helped much though, and in reality, it was something her father had told her to think. Told her to do. Sometimes it flew into her mind still, and it scared her because, as her therapist had said, “Don’t bottle up your emotions. If you try to conceal them, it doesn’t work. A bottled feeling always, _always,_ comes out again.”

Elsa took a deep breath. _Don’t conceal. Feel._ She smiled. _Feel._

Elsa opened her phone up, and a notification popped up from the meditation app she had downloaded.

_Feeling down? Having unwanted thoughts? Try taking a walk in the fresh air to clear your mind._

So Elsa did. It was nearly summer, so she didn’t bother putting on the light coat she had left out from the night before. The door opened, and a nice refreshing breeze blew through. Elsa took a deep breath and began her walk. She decided to go to a park nearby, where she usually took a walk when she got stressed. It helped her think. Elsa looked at her feet, and let the background cat noises and the birds melt away. She lost herself in good thoughts, finally, and she felt peaceful. She felt for a moment that, everything might be okay. She had to stop at a crosswalk though, and it shook her back. 

“Hello Ms. Arendelle!” a voice called out. Elsa whipped around, and saw it was the owner of a restaurant she goes to a lot, The Kingdom’s Guard, (it had brilliant Scandinavian food) a man named Destin Mattias. “Hi Mattias!” Elsa said. He went by his last name mostly. He had his arm wrapped around his wife, Halima, who waved hello as well. 

The light changed, and Elsa crossed. She looked at her feet again, and walked quickly into the park.

Something slammed against her body. She quickly realized that she had walked into a person, or someone had walked into her, and she heard a splosh and a soft thump as a paper cup hit the floor.

“Sorry!” Elsa yelled, and she felt herself falling.

She closed her eyes and braces for impact, but then felt a hand grip her forearm.

She opened her eyes, and saw a light brown hand gripping her pale white skin. She looked up, following the hand to the eyes, and found herself looking straight into the prettiest, chocolatey-brown eyes. 

“Glad I caught you,” the woman said. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. 3

Maren smirked at the woman whose arm she was gripping. Fright was still visible on her face. Maren helped her to her feet, and the girl looked down at the coffee cup that had dropped next to Maren’s feet, and was now rocking slowly back and forth. The little coffee it had had in it was spilled in a puddle.

“Sorry, I’ll buy you another one,” she said, motioning to the coffee.

Maren shrugged. “Mm, it's fine. If anything I wasn’t paying attention and bumped into you.” 

The woman looked at Maren, with a small smile. Her pale blue eyes were wide. They reminded Maren of a frosted-over lake. “I was just going to leave now,” she said. 

Maren subconsciously fiddled with her bisexual pride bracelet that her brother had gotten her for her birthday. “Wait!” she cried, then tried again trying to sound less desperate. She could feel little butterflies in her stomach.  _ God damn it she’s pretty.  _ “Wait, I- I um, didn’t get your name. I’m Maren.”

“Elsa.”

“Nice to meet you,” Maren smiled. 

“You too.” 

Maren smirked again. Her brother always said to her that she was a heartbreaker. “You can’t go and give everyone you see your number and promise them a relationship, then never answer your their texts,” Ryder always told her. 

“You know,” Maren said, leaning into Elsa’s face. Elsa flinched, but didn’t pull away. “I think I should give you my number, just in case you bump into any other people and you need me to come catch you.” 

“Um,” Elsa said. 

“Of course, you don't  _ have  _ to,” Maren grinned. “Now about that coffee you said you would buy me…” 

“Oh, that,” Elsa said. “I know a good coffee place nearby.” 

“Works for me,” Maren pauses, leaning even closer to Elsa’s face. “If you give me your number.”

“How do I know you’re not a kidnapper or a serial killer or something?” 

“Would a serial killer be this  _ hot?”  _ Maren joked. Elsa raised one eyebrow at her. “Just go on one date with me.” 

“A date? I-I don’t remember agreeing to that!” 

Maren traced her finger across the blonde’s chin. She jumped away from Maren’s touch. “Now you have.”

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t know if I like anyone, not in that way,” Elsa stammered. “I don’t know.”

“Hm, shame,” Maren laughed. “Fine. How about a  _ platonic  _ date, like as friends?” 

“I’m not sure,” it was Elsa’s turn to laugh, “that you can call us friends yet. I’ve known you for about, hmm, ten minutes?” 

Maren sighed. She leaned away from Elsa. “Can I get your number, at least?”

Elsa pulled out her phone, and reluctantly let Maren type in her name and phone number. 

“Honeymaren?” Elsa asked, looking at the name Maren had put down.

“My given name. But it’s a bit of a mouthful, so I go by Maren.” 

“I like it,” Elsa smiled. She checked the time. “You know,” she couldn’t believe she was  _ actually  _ saying this (because maybe Maren really was a serial killer), “it’s getting close to lunchtime. What do you say we go to lunch? I know a good restaurant.”

“I’d love that,” Maren said. She opened her mouth to say something else, but her phone dinged. She saw a text from her brother.  _ Mare, still up for lunch? _

“Oh, damn it, I forgot,” Maren said, her face falling. “I made plans with my brother. I haven’t seen him in a while haha, um, I don’t want to cancel on him.”

“Oh, that’s fine. I mean, if he wants he can come, but I get that you haven’t seen each other-”

“I’m sure that’s fine.”

A few minutes later, Elsa and Maren were waiting outside The Kingdom’s Guard, for Ryder, Maren’s brother. He arrived, and Elsa noticed how similar the siblings looked, Ryder just spotted a shorter haircut. Slightly. It was just shorter than a bob. Maren’s hair fell in a braid just past her shoulders. Elsa felt self-conscious of her own, simple hairdo. Her hair was out, in a very  _ just-woke-up  _ way, and it fell just above her belly-button. Elsa twirled a lick around her finger. Maybe she’d get a haircut the next day. 

“Nice to meet you,” Ryder said, smiling. He held his hand out and Elsa shook it.

“You too.” 

Elsa walked in and was surprised to see her sister sitting alone, in front of a half-empty (Elsa was a half-empty person) wine glass, staring at the empty seat across from her. Elsa waved, but she didn’t acknowledge it. 

Elsa then saw Kristoff walking back from, presumably, the restroom. 

Ryder whispered something to Maren, who blushed a little and punched him on the shoulder. She whispered something back to him, and he rolled his eyes and turned to Elsa. 

“You don’t happen to know who that is,” Ryder said, pointing at Kristoff. 

Elsa blushed. “Kristoff Bjorgman, he’s my sisters boyfriend, why?”

Ryder’s face fell, but Elsa missed it. “No reason. He looked familiar, but I don’t recognize the name,” he blushed. “Also  _ maybe  _ I think he’s attractive…”

Elsa bit back the urge to laugh. “Sorry,” she said. “He might be bi or pan though, so if they ever break up…” 

Maren whispered to Elsa, “My brother is a disaster gay, but I love him just the same.” 

“My sister is a disaster straight,” Elsa giggled. 

They got a table, and Elsa sat next to Maren. Ryder sat across from them.

Mattias walked by the table. “Elsa! Someone told me you were here! New friends?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Elsa replied, her cheeks growing warm. “This is Maren, and this is Ryder.”

“Wonderful! It’s always nice to see you making new friends,” Mattias said, and he smiled at Maren who had placed her head on Elsa’s shoulder. Elsa tensed, but didn’t resist. “Take care of her,” he said. “This one here has trouble making friends. Don’t wanna make her lose one so fast.”

Maren laughed. “Oh, I will.”

Elsa and Ryder looked at her for a long moment after Mattias walked away. She blushed. “It’s true,” she asserted. 

“Hmm,” Elsa quietly hummed. 

Their food came not long after, and Anna and Kristoff started to walk out. Anna finally noticed Elsa, and mouthed “Who are they?” 

Elsa mother back, “tell you later.” 

Anna shrugged, and walked out. Elsa had gotten a small bowl of Scandinavian summer soup, 

a vegetable soup, made with potatoes, onions, baby carrots, green beans, and green peas. The Kingdom’s Guard only had it around the summertime, and it was definitely one of Elsa’s favorite dishes there. Elsa found herself saying how her parents had grown up in Norway, and how she had actually been bilingual as a young kid to a teen, but she had lost some of her Norwegian as an adult. 

“Really?” Maren asked. “Say something.” 

“Faen ta deg,” Elsa smirked.

“Va te foutre, aussi,” Maren grinned. “My parents were Canadian-French, and we spoke mostly French at home. I know how to curse in a  _ few  _ languages.”

Elsa smiled. 

“You don’t strike me as a cursing kind, though, Elsa,” Maren continued.

“I don’t, really,” Elsa quieted down. Her parents always hated when she cursed. Especially her dad. “I’m sorry, it’s a little of a sensitive topic.”

Maren quieted. “I’m sorry, actually. You don’t have to be.” 

The trio sat in silence for a few moments, each of them finishing up their meals. When they were done, and the check came, Elsa reached out her card to pay, but Maren stopped her. “Let me pay.”

“But-“ Elsa resisted.

“Just let me pay,” Maren put her card on the check, and the waiter took it away before Elsa could protest. 

Elsa sighed. “Thank you.”

Ryder whistled. “My sister, the chivalrous goddess.” He proceeded to stand up and bow.

Maren blushed with embarrassment. The check came back, Elsa and Maren finished their drinks, and they left the restaurant. 

“Another time, Elsa? I enjoyed this,” Maren said.

“Sure. Text me?” 

“You bet.”

“Bye Ryder!” Elsa grinned.

“See ya.”

Elsa leaned against the wall of the restaurant, watching Maren and Ryder walk away. Ryder was pretend-flipping his hair, and making kissy faces at Maren. “Stop it!” She heard Maren yell playfully. Then they walked to far away for Elsa to see or hear them anymore. 

_ New friends _ , Elsa thought.  _ Anna will be proud.  _ Elsa’s heart swelled. 

_ Anna.  _ Elsa’s eyes widened. She needed to finish her present for her sister. 

Elsa raced home, a hand poised above her eyes to block out the sun that was directly in her line of vision. She arrived at her doorstep out of breath and gasped for air for a moment. She unlocked her door and ran up the stairs to her makeshift office, and pulled the figurine out of her desk drawer. She sat down and began to trace the knife over the wood, each of the feathery fragments of wood twirling and floating to the floor. 

After about an hour or so, Elsa stared tiredly at her creation. It stayed true to the photo, and the dark oak wood shone perfectly in the light. Elsa fumbled for the post card she had made of the photo, and wrote Anna a letter on the back.

_ Anna,  _

_ I couldn’t ask for a better sister. You’ve been there for me when I wasn’t there for you, when I shut you out. You’ve been by my side through the thick and through the thin. I can’t imagine life without you, and I hope I never have to. I love you with everything, Anna, and you mean more to me than everyone else. Thank you. Happy birthday!! _

_ Love, _

_ Elsa  _

Elsa read it over, and then grabbed the gift box she had bought, placed lots of tissue paper in, then the figurine, then more tissue paper, then her card, and placed the top back on. She wrapped it up in gift wrap, and sat back in her chair and sighed. But she was at least free for the next day, so she could be with Anna for her birthday. 

Elsa’s phone rang. It was a call from Anna, who was probably being nosy about Elsa’s new friends. “Hi, Anna.”

“Hey Els.”

“How was your day, you know, after I saw you last?”

“Oh fine. Me and Kristoff  _ had fun _ .”

“That’s great! What did you do?” Elsa could hear Anna groan over the phone, but she didn’t know why.

“Well, lunch. Nothing much more, um,” Anna paused. “Elsa I’ll be right back.”

Elsa heard footsteps followed by a muffled “My sister is so naïve,” and muffled laughter. 

Anna returned to the phone with a, “Sorry, I had to tell Kristoff something.”

_ Something?  _ Elsa frowned. “Ok.”

“Anyways, Elsa, who were the people you were hanging out with earlier? Oh my god, were you on a date with the boy there? Wait, what about the girl? Were they siblings? Oh my god, that’s so  _ lame.  _ Who brings their sister on a date?” 

Elsa bit her lip. “No, it’s nothing like that. I just bumped into Maren, that’s the girl, and I spilled her coffee so I offered to buy her some but then it was time for lunch, so we went to lunch. But she had made plans with her brother, so he came. They’re just new friends.”

“Well, it’s still good that you’re making friends. You do seem a little lonely sometimes,” there was a heartbeat of silence. “But if you get a boyfriend, or at least date, you might be less lonely.”

Elsa frowned, and her stomach churned. “I’m too busy for that right now,” she lied. The truth was, she wasn’t sure that was what she wanted at all. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	4. 4

Elsa forced herself to push down the bubbling anger she felt at Anna. _She was only trying to be helpful,_ she told herself. It made sense, truly, in the way Anna’s mind worked. Anna happened to be a helpless romantic and Elsa, well, Elsa wasn’t sure. Maybe a bit of the anger she felt, was anger at herself. She was 24 now, she should know these things. She saw the bi pride bracelet Maren wore. Maren knew her sexuality, so why didn’t Elsa? The last thing Elsa wanted was to have yet one more thing to make her stand out. To make her less than normal. All she wanted was to fit in, and Anna made being straight look so easy, that maybe, just maybe, Elsa could pull it off. But Elsa was scared of the fact that she knew, deep inside that she _wasn’t_ straight. That she wasn’t _normal,_ by heteronormative ideas, and that petrified her. It stressed Elsa out, the prospect of not-knowing, and so she tried to take her mind off of it. Off of her questioning. If she could pretend to be straight, maybe she was. 

Which is why, when she couldn’t get Maren’s honey-colored eyes out of her head, and when Elsa thought about Maren, her stomach felt weird and tingly, it terrified her. 

Love was Anna’s thing. 

It was as far from being Elsa’s thing as possible. She never had a crush, and it became suffocatingly hard when her few friends started crushing, and when Anna started crushing, to fit in. So she pretended. She would say so-and-so was hot, or cute, and she went to prom with a boy whose name she has forgotten. It was him who stole her first kiss, and Elsa hated it. He tasted like expired milk and seaweed, and it was smothering, and Elsa’s lungs burned. She broke it, and ran away, as far away as she could, without going home, because she knew that what was waiting for her at her home was worse. 

Elsa heard so, so many people referring to other people as hot. Or sexy. So Elsa did too. But she didn’t understand what they meant. What those words meant to the people. The normal people, who crushed and kissed, and weren't broken like Elsa. Did _hot_ mean that the person had a fever? No. Probably not, at least. Did _sexy_ mean that they wanted to have sex with them? Maybe? Elsa had no idea then, and still didn't. 

And that is what scared her. To Elsa, Maren was, physically, a beautiful person. But not in the way that other people would say. And Elsa was terrified to call her feelings _sexual_ attraction, because the very thought repulsed her. And romantic attraction wasn’t much better, though Elsa could stomach the thought, it didn’t seem to fit up with the way she felt. 

So Elsa settled on platonic attraction. It didn’t quite fit, but it was the closest. 

And anyway, Elsa had only known Maren for a day. They had gone to one lunch together. 

So it was fine for Elsa to not know how she felt, right? 

* * *

As soon as Maren got back to her one-bedroom apartment in the-middle-of-nowhere, Brooklyn, she pulled on her comfiest pajamas, curled up on her couch with a cup of hot coffee and a Poptart. She took a deep breath, because she couldn’t get Elsa’s scent out of her head. It was intoxicating, and all Maren wanted was to go back in time so she could rest her head on Elsa’s shoulder again. Breathe in Elsa’s soapy scent. 

It was quite obvious that Elsa liked Maren, but liked her as a friend. And maybe Maren was moving too fast. 

They went on a date, though, even if it was platonic, and that was all that Maren cared about. 

“Oh, you’re in for it,” Ryder had said, just before they parted after their lunch, and after he’d made kissy faces at her, in plain view of Elsa. Maren had shrugged and blushed slightly, but she’d turned away so Ryder couldn’t see. 

“I have no clue what youre talking about.”

“Oh I think you do. You see, it’s a classic case of Bi Girl meets Straight Girl, Bi Girl falls in love with Straight Girl, and Straight Girl gets a boyfriend, leaving Bi Girl alone, and ruined from ever loving anyone again. In this case, in case you couldn’t figure it out, you, Maren Naturra, are Bi Girl. And Elsa I-Have-No-Idea-What-Her-Last-Name-Is, is Straight Girl.”

“Hey!” Maren punched him. “You don’t know for sure! She said so herself, that she wasn't sure if she liked anyone ‘that way’!’”

“And that’s what all Straight Girls who don’t want to flat-out reject a Bi Girl or a Lesbian Girl say! Also, when did she say that?”

“Before we met you at the restaurant. In the park,” Maren shrugged. “When I asked her out and that was her response…” she muttered. 

“WAIT WHAT!? First of all, what have I told you about giving everyone your number! Second of all, you just literally proved _me_ right!”

Maren smiled. If Elsa was straight, (which Maren really didn’t think so because her Gaydar was telling her otherwise) Maren could be friends with her. Just friends. Yeah, Maren could do just friends. Though, actually, Elsa did seem kind of uncomfortable at the whole ‘dating idea’ and when Ryder asked her who the guy who happened to be Elsa’s sister’s boyfriend was. So maybe Elsa was aroace. Or ace. Or aro. Or whatever. It didn’t matter to Maren. If Elsa wasn’t into Maren like that, they could be friends. 

This is just why Maren sometimes hated being bisexual. 

The whole, “I’m going to not fall for a straight girl ever again!” thing, really, _really,_ irritated her. Because it was truly crushing, being rejected, especially when the reason is something you sort-of expected, but also kind-of pushed down because you hoped against hope that maybe they wouldn't be straight. That maybe they would like you back.

But it was slightly better, knowing that there was a reason they didn’t like you back. It was a whole lot worse when you ask a guy, who knows about your bisexuality, out, and they think that you’re just roping them into a relationship so you can have threesomes. Or that you are gay, but in denial, and that you want a boyfriend to seem more straight. The stereotypes were torture, no- they were absolute _hell_ , and Maren had dealt with a quite a lot of them.

But Maren wouldn’t trade being herself for anything in the world. 

This was her only chance at life, and she was going to live it as proudly and fulfillingly as she possibly could. 

  
With that, Maren relaxed back into the couch cushions, took a sip of her coffee, a bite of her Poptart, and scrolled through “Recommendations For You” on Netflix until something caught her eye. 

* * *

Elsa opened her phone and texted Anna, _“Is it okay if I don’t come over tonight? I’m just not feeling up to it.”_

It only took Anna a few moments to reply. _“Yeah, sure. U feeling alrite? Did I upset u?”_

_“Feeling fine, just tired. Also, no, it’s fine.”_

_“Okay, Els. Luv u.”_

_“Love you.”_

Elsa sighed and leaned back into her pillows. She rolled over onto her left side, and pulled her comforter over her head. She was comforted by the dark, an escape from the pain of the lights that sometimes were overbearing. It was also an escape from, simply put, living. There, there was nothing. Just dark, empty space that could be bent to whatever Elsa wanted. 

If Elsa wanted, she could cease to exist as well. 

It wasn’t that Elsa wanted to die. She wanted to live, but not her life. She wanted to be in the middle, a gray area between life and death. Ceasing to physically exist. Elsa just wanted an escape from her, sometimes crippling, depression and anxieties. There were days, where she couldn't. Just, physically and emotionally, _could not._ She couldn’t cope, couldn't deal, and so she hid. Luckily, those days were getting further apart, thanks to her therapy and to her growing closeness with Anna. Their relationship was still fragile, but Anna was trying. And so was Elsa. But Elsa lived in a near-constant fear of those days, which sometimes lasted weeks, happening again. Anna had it easy, and had always had it easy, to Elsa. Elsa knew, as did Anna, that Elsa’s life had been uncomparably harder than Anna’s, but Anna did go through being cut off by the person she loved the most. She watched as the person she loved more than anything became a shell of herself. And they were both building back up.

Anna hadn’t been through the physical damage dealt to Elsa, but she suffered emotionally because of it. 

And it made Elsa feel like a crappy sister, because Elsa wasn’t there for her during that time. But Elsa couldn’t have been there for her because she was dealing with her own problems that were _worse,_ but still. Elsa felt awful because she wasn’t there for Anna when their parents died either. 

The cave Elsa made for herself under the comforter was chokingly warm and the air was thick. She kicked her way out of it, back into the light of the world and the comforting coolness of a draft. She breathed deeply, counting, _in, two, three, four, out, two, three, four,_ like her therapist had told her to do. To help when Elsa felt herself slipping again. 

Because Elsa was scared.She was scared of her feelings for Maren. She had been perfectly comfortable just _not feeling_ like that. She was scared of how quickly things had changed. She was scared that she wasn't going to be able to keep up. She was scared of falling. She was scared of messing everything up. She was scared that she was going to mess up Anna’s birthday tomorrow. Elsa had messed up enough of Anna’s life already, and she couldn’t ruin another birthday.

She couldn’t have been absent again. Anna needed Elsa as much as Elsa needed her. Anna needed Elsa more than Elsa even realized. 

So Elsa couldn’t disappear again, just when things were going fine for everyone else.

* * *

Maren woke up to a ding and her phone buzzing at 4:30 am. On a Sunday. She yawned, and rubbed her eyes then checked the time. Her eyes widened. _Who would be texting me now?_

It was Elsa. “ _Hi.”_

_“Hi. What are you doing up? R u ok?”_

_“I guess. I just need to talk to someone.”_

_“Why not your sister?”_

_“It’s not something I can talk to her about, I guess.”_

_“So then why me? Why not a close friend?”_

_“I guess,”_ Elsa’s texting paused for half a minute. _“I don’t really have anyone else.”_

A soft _oh_ escaped Maren’s lips. That broke her heart. She felt punched straight in the gut. “ _I’m sorry Elsa.”_

_“No, I’m sorry, this is stupid. I woke you up. I’ll just talk to Anna. I’m sorry.”_

_“No wait. It’s fine. I really don’t mind talking.”_

_“Ok, then-”_

_“-Can I call you?”_

_“Sure.”_

Maren yawned and waited until Elsa’s name popped up on her phone, (which took about 10 seconds) and answered her call.

“Hi,” Elsa sounded like she’s been crying. 

“Hi,” Maren whispered. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m scared,” Elsa paused, “of-” she broke off.

“Of what?” Maren softly pressured. She shook her head. “You don’t have to tell me.” 

“I’m scared of life. Just living, I guess.”

Maren bit her lip. She didn’t know what to say to that. 

“No, that’s broad. I don’t wanna die. I just, I don’t want to _live_ either. I’m too scared of messing things up. I’m scared of change. I, I’m not sure I want things to change at all. The days I have before I slip away are precious. I want to freeze the moments in time but I can’t, and it’s getting harder and harder to seize the day. And I’m scared. I’m scared of falling again,” Elsa sniffled. 

“Oh, Elsa. What do you mean by ‘when you slip away’?”

Elsa took a shaky breath. “There are days,” she admitted, “where I can’t. I just can’t. And those are my days when I slip. When I fall.”

“Elsa, I,” Maren began. But Elsa cut her off.

“But Maren, you can't help. I don’t need help.”

_But you do,_ Maren wanted to say.

“I just wanted to tell someone. Thanks Maren,” Elsa whispered so quietly that Maren almost missed it. 

The line clicked off, leaving Maren with words on her tongue that she could only say now to the emptiness of an ended phone call. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	5. 5

Elsa yawned and stretched. The time on her alarm clock blinked 6:00, and Elsa had been awake since 3:00. She bit her lip. Even before she woke up at 3, she hadn’t slept well, but it’s not like she had expected to sleep. She rubbed her puffy red eyes, and wiped away tears from her cheeks. She was  _ scared.  _ She  _ was  _ scared.  _ She  _ was scared. But why had she called Maren? It was stupid. She should have called Anna. The anger at herself that she felt sat like a stone in the pit of her stomach. But it was fear too, the twisting, churning, fear that threatened to take over her entire body.  _ Get yourself together _ , she thought, taking shaky breaths.  _ It’s Anna’s birthday. You can’t mess it up again. _

For several of Anna’s birthdays, Elsa had hid in her bedroom, terrified of the night coming. She knew there would be a party. With family, and  _ alcohol .  _ All parties had alcohol. And Elsa hud under the covers of her bed, scared of the night later. 

And she’d ruined Anna’s birthday.

Was it too much for Anna to ask to have her sister there? No.

Which is why Elsa felt so… guilty now. She hid, instead of celebrating. She hid instead of being there for Anna. 

Anna would say that it was ok. She would say that if Elsa needed time, she could have time. That she was okay with it, with Elsa shutting her out. 

But Elsa remembered the pain in Anna’s eyes when Elsa hid in her bedroom one birthday after the next. Elsa remembered the mornings of Anna’s birthdays where Anna would slip Elsa a note under her door, begging Elsa to be there for her that year. 

But Elsa put her fears in front of her love for Anna.

_ And that was selfish _ , she told herself. And that guilt made her breath ragged. 

If Anna were here, she’d tell Elsa that it was okay, that it truly wasn’t selfish. But Elsa couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t okay. That she was just selfish. 

She took small gasps of air, whimpered, and curled back up into her covers. Her breath calmed, but she still took small, shallow breaths. Sometimes she felt like she wasn’t worth the oxygen she took up. Some people didn’t have enough oxygen, some people needed. Elsa was just there, thriving on it, when in reality, she didn’t really want it. It was unfair. 

Elsa buried her head under the pillows and tried to ignore the voices in her head.

Spoiler alert- it didn’t work. 

So Elsa found herself staring bleakly at the coffee machine as it sputtered out the last few drops of brown liquid. She forced her lungs to take in large amounts of air.  _ You have to get through this day,  _ she thought.  _ It’s Anna’s day.  _

Bruni meowed, and twisted himself around Elsa’s ankle. “I’ll feed you,” she muttered, her voice sour. “Just let me fucking,” she said through gritted teeth, and the took a deep breath. “Just let me finish my coffee.”

The coffee was bland, and watery on Elsa’s tongue, which seemed to have lost its sense of taste. She got through one cup, sat back, and pressed her fingers against her temples. She could do this. She could. 

She just needed a little more time. 

Bruni meowed again more desperately, and Elsa opened a can of food which had him purring and rubbing against her leg. She scooped out half of the gelatinous goop, to which Bruni happily choses down on. Elsa walked to her living and poured Olaf a bowl of birdseed to which he pecked at while exclaiming, “Did you know!” and a bunch of random facts. She ignored him, not in the mood to deal with his incessant talking. 

Elsa opened her email to a new email from a few minutes ago. 

_ Dear Elsa Arendelle, _

_ Hello, my name is Maui. I moved to New York from French Polynesia about 5 years ago, and one of my best friends is moving here in about 3 months. I was wondering if you could make an ice sculpture for a ‘Welcome to NYC’ party? If possible, could it be of a wave, with ‘Welcome Moana!’ carved on it? I am willing to pay most costs, I have a budget of $450 though.  _

_ Thanks, Maui _

Elsa smiled. She could do that, and it would be a nice, refreshing break from more elaborate designs. 

_ Maui, _

_ Thanks for reaching out! I could make that possible. Do you know what day the party would be? The sculpture would be around $250 as an estimate, though I won’t be able to give an exact amount until I have the whole idea down and processed.  _

_ Best to you and your friend, Elsa _

Elsa sighed and sat down. Her phone chimed with another email, but she didn’t open it. Today was Anna’s day. She wasn’t going to let  _ anything  _ distract her. 

It’s as if thinking Anna’s name made her appear. Elsa’s phone buzzed with a phone call from none other than her sister. 

“Happy birthday Anna!” Elsa yelped quickly, making sure it was the first thing said.

Elsa could hear Anna smiling. “Thanks sis. What’cha doing?”

“Nothing, except celebrating your birthday! Where do you want to go?”

Anna chuckled. “How about let’s meet up somewhere first?” 

Elsa’s cheeks burned. She was rushing this. She was going to mess up. She took a deep breath.  _ It’s okay, Elsa. It’s okay.  _ “Yeah sure, where?” she muttered. 

“I think you know where I want to go,” _The Kingdom’s Guard,_ It was as much Anna’s favorite restaurant as it was Elsa’s favorite. Anna paused slightly, and Elsa could hear words on her tongue. “And Els, it’s okay. You’re doing great. I know that, well, I _think-_ but, like I think-know, you know?”

Anna was rambling. “Anna, spit it out. I get the picture,” Elsa prodded. “Also, are you sure that you want to go there? Both of us were there yesterday.”

‘Yes, I’m sure,” Anna huffed. “Anyways, what I was  _ saying,  _ is that you’re worried about having to make up for the birthdays dad made you miss-”

Elsa smiled a little at the comment. It lifted a weight off her chest knowing that Anna did not blame Elsa at all for missing her birthdays. 

“-but you really don’t have to. You, Elsa, are the best present I could wish for.”

“Thanks, Annie.”

Anna blew a raspberry at her through the phone. “Hey! I  _ always _ hated that nickname and you know it! And anyway, I  _ didn't  _ even  _ get  _ Annie in the play!”

“Hmm,” Elsa mused. “But you should have.”

“Thanks. Okay, we’re leaving now. See you soon.” 

Elsa was puzzled by how  _ easy  _ talking to her sister was. It  _ had  _ to be so hard to make a simple conversation with most people, yet with  _ Anna,  _ it was a breeze. All Elsa wanted was for talking to be as easy as that with everyone. She sighed.  _ If only!  _

She began to slowly get ready for the day. She lived down the block from the restaurant, and since Anna lived farther away she had more time to get there. She pulled out a pair of white jeans, her favorite, and a creamy-white shirt with diamond patterns around the neck and the cuffs of the sleeves. She brushed her hair out, and let it fall to her sides. She applied light makeup.

To anyone who did not know Elsa well, or just passed her on the street, Elsa looked good. She certainly didn't look like someone who was struggling with so much anger, anxiety, and depression. But then again, neither does anyone. But the  _ fear- _ you could see it if you wanted too. If you were Observant enough to look hard. Kind enough to notice. The fear in the depths of her eyes. But Elsa would smile. She would put on a show. If she made one wrong move, everyone would know. So she wouldn't make one wrong move. She was good at that already. 

She was good enough at hiding. 

Elsa stood at her door, surveyed her house to see if she’d left anything behind. She put her hand to the doorknob, and pulled it open. 

She slowly walked down the block. She couldn’t handle it if she were there and had to wait. She would look so weird. Out of place. People would look at her. She didn't want people to look at her. And she would panic if she got there and Anna didn't show up after 5 minutes.

Thankfully, though when she got there, Anna and Kristoff were there, standing outside of the door under the awning. Anna beamed widely upon seeing her sister. “Elsa! Oh my god, it's like I haven't seen you for, like,  _ ever!”  _

Elsa laughed dryly. “Hi.”

Anna pouted, “Just  _ hi?” _

“I talked to you fifteen minutes ago! What do you want me to say?”

“Oh, I don't know, ‘Happy birthday!’ ‘I love you!’ ‘You look beautiful,’ etc...!”

“While all of those things are true, I already said them to you.”

“Not the last one!”

“Okay,  _ fine. _ You look beautiful. Happy?”

Anna rolled her eyes and pulled her sister into a hug. “Yes.”

“Hi Kristoff,” Elsa wheezed. Anna’s hugs were bone crushing. Anna finally let go of Elsa, and she gasped for air. 

“Elsa! You’re okay!” Kristoff joked. “You know, I did think Anna might kill you right then and there. But seriously, you look different. Did you cut your hair or something?”

Elsa laughed, and then shrugged. “Or something, I guess.”

Anna cleared her throat, “ _ ahem.” _

When she saw that she had gotten their attention, she said, “Well, I don't know about  _ you,  _ but  _ I  _ haven't eaten anything yet today, so, if you don’t mind,” and pushed her way into the restaurant, Elsa and Kristoff tagging along behind her.

Kristoff leaned over to Elsa and whispered in her ear, “Jealousy, amiright?”

Elsa punched him. “Kristoff! You are my best friend. I don’t  _ like you  _ that way, and I hope you don’t like me either because that would be awkward and I would be forced to tell my sister.” 

“It was a joke! Relax, Ice Queen,” Kristoff laughed. 

Elsa laughed with him. 

“Ahem, lovebirds,” Anna said, standing by a table. “Elsa, hands off my man.”

Elsa pretended to put her hands up and back away. Anna glared at her. “But seriously,” Elsa assured her, “He’s just my best friend.” 

Anna rolled her eyes and they sat down. 

“What’s the plan for today?” Elsa asked. 

“Well, this, then whatever we decide to do, and then we’re meeting the cousins at 5:30.”

‘The cousins’ were their cousin Rapunzel and her husband Eugene. 

“Sounds cool.”

The waiter came and they ordered. After a few minutes of conversation, not much since the three of them saw each other almost every day, thirty minutes of eating and small talk, the check came, and Kristoff insisted that he paid. Elsa scrunched her nose at him. “Split the bill,” she insisted.

He glared at her.

“Hey! I already had my meal paid for yesterday, and don’t forget that Anna’s  _ my sister  _ too, not just  _ your girlfriend!  _ I want to do something nice.”

Kristoff mocked her, and Elsa threw her napkin at him. He threw his hands up, “Okay, okay! We can split it!”

Elsa sat back in her seat, satisfied, and smirked at him. 

The bill was paid for, and the trio was out the door in a few more minutes. 

After a few hours of stopping in random stores, lots of laughter, and other fun, they met their cousins at the subway station by Anna’s house. 

Anna flew to Rapunzel and engulfed her in a hug. “Raps! I missed you!”

“I missed you too, cuz,” Raps smiled before running over to Elsa and hugging her. Elsa stumbled backwards, but Rapunzel’s arms around her waist caught her, and Elsa melted into her cousin's warm embrace. 

“Elsa, how've you been?” Her cousin said softly. 

Elsa smiled.  _ Family.  _ It felt really good to know that there were people who really cared about her. People who would catch her if she fell.

“Hanging on,” she admitted finally.

Rapunzel smiled at her, and squeezed Elsa’s hand tightly. “I’m here for you if you need me.”

“Thanks.”

“Always! It’s what family is for.”

The five of them walked back to Anna’s house, catching up, telling stories, and laughing. Mostly Anna and Rapunzel. And Kristoff and Eugene were talking to each other. Elsa couldn't help but feel a little removed from it all. But that feeling evaporated when they got to Anna’s house, and right inside were Anna’s best friends from college, Merida and Pocahontas, who had decorated the entire house for Anna’s birthday. 

“Surprise!” they cheered.

“Wow,” Elsa and Anna murmured. Anna turned to Elsa.

“Were you in on this?”

Elsa shook her head, and then looked at Kristoff who had a slight smirk on his face. 

Anna ran over to her friends. “I missed you guys so much!” she looked at them, confused for a few seconds. “Also, how did you even get keys?”

Merida shrugged, and flashed a quick and slight smile at Kristoff. “We have our ways.”

The night that followed included lots and lots of pizza, some alcohol, which Elsa shied away from, and movies. When it came for presents, everyone piled their gifts in a neat pile in front of Anna. Anna picked each bag or box from the pile blindly, and read the card after the present.

Merida got Anna a silky green nightgown. 

Rapunzel got her a family photo album from when the three of them were babies, until now. 

Eugene got her a watch with a picture of him and Rapunzel, Anna and Kristoff, and Elsa underneath the hands. 

Anna got to Elsa’s gift. She carefully unwrapped it, though Elsa could tell Anna wanted to tear it off. She saw the card first, but placed it aside, and pulled out the figurine. 

“Oh,” she whispered. 

Elsa’s heart sunk. She couldn't tell if that was bad or good, and she started to panic.

“If you don’t like it, I can get you something else, or-”

Anna broke her off with a hug. “Elsie, it’s beautiful. Thank you.”

The card brought tears to Anna’s eyes. “Thank you. That means so much to me, Elsa. I love you too.”

She moved on to the next gift, which was Pocahontas’, and it was a sweatshirt and a matching pair of sweatpants. Anna smirked at her.

“What? You always complained about how it wasn’t fair that I wasn’t letting you wear  _ my  _ sweatpants. And you  _ still  _ ask me for them. I just bought you your own pair!”

Everyone laughed. 

The last gift was Kristoff’s. He handed it over to her kind of sheepishly, “I feel outshined. Mine isn’t that good compared to the rest of these.” 

It was a framed photo, from Anna and Kristoff’s first anniversary. It was set in a simple wood frame, which had carved into it at the bottom,  _ I love you with all of my heart,  _ and a small heart. The picture was of them holding hands and smiling lovingly at each other.

“This was when I knew that you were  _ the one,  _ Anna.”

Anna grinned, and pulled kristoff in for a kiss. After a few seconds, Merida cleared her throat. “Umm, we’re still here, guys.”

Anna pulled away blushing. “Oh! I just remembered. Um, I guess this is a bit untraditional, but I have a present for you guys too,” she paused. “Well, all of my gift is a little untraditional, so fuck tradititon,” she laughed nervously, putting a hand into her pocket and fished around for a few seconds. Elsa saw a few shimmery tears in her eyes. “Kristoff, I- I love you with all that I am. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Um,” she pulled a ring out of her pocket, and everyone gasped. “Kristoff, will you marry me?”

Kristoff jumped up, and exclaimed “Yes!” He pulled Anna in for a hug, “Of course! I love you, Anna, forever, and ever. Always.”

Elsa went up and hugged her sister next. “I’m so happy for you,” she whispered. 

Elsa went home that night, happier than she might have ever been. She curled up under her covers, Bruni purring under her arm into the crook of her elbow, and she fell asleep with a wide grin still on her face. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)


	6. 6

Elsa’s alarm went off at 8 o’clock on Monday mornings, when she worked at the library, which opened at 10 o’clock. So it startled her when her phone dinged loudly at 7:15, with a text from none other than Maren.

“ _ Good morning Elsa!”  _ Elsa smiled at the text, and how kind it was of Maren to think of her on a dreary Monday, where most people just wanted to survive the day themselves, and not care about other people. Especially not other people who you don’t know very well, and all you’ve talked about is their life problems. Elsa stretched and sat up. 

_ “Morning, Maren. Thanks for thinking of me, I know how much people hate Mondays.” _

_ “Haha, yes. It’s no problem, I just like talking to my friends! You say that... like you don’t hate Mondays, and I find it hard to believe that  _ someone  _ in the world enjoys them.” _

_ Friends. _ It made Elsa happy to know that someone other than Kristoff thought of her as a friend. “ _ I don’t  _ love  _ Mondays, per se, but I don’t absolutely hate them either. They’re just… there.”  _

_ “Ah, makes sense :)”  _

_ “Also I never did get to fully thank you for talking to me the other day.” _

_ “It’s really no problem! I’d love to help with anything if I can.” _

_ “Thank you. Well, it would be best to not burden you when you’re trying to get ready for work, so I’ll leave you be. Talk later?”  _

_ “Of course.” _

Elsa lay back in her bed and sighed. She wasn’t good with social… everything. She worried that she had said something weird and now that Maren would think she was weird and hate her forever and-

Elsa had to remind herself that if she had said something weird Maren would have told her. Probably. But that probably was enough to calm Elsa’s anxiety down, and so she was okay. Until next time, obviously. That’s why Elsa likes running her own small business and working at the library. They were quiet, with few times you had to talk to people, and yet when you did they were usually quite professional conversations. Elsa liked professional conversations for a few reasons, mostly being there was a more specific format, an expected way of talking, and there was always a specific, exact answer to every question. Well, most of the time. That’s why Elsa just worked on reshelving books and answering quick questions when she was asked. Elsa couldn’t handle young children with their incessant ‘whys’ and stressed parents trying to take their kids to story time. Elsa, she… didn’t want kids. She never saw herself having kids. Because she never saw herself with a romantic, much less  _ sexual  _ partner. Not with a man at least. But Elsa had never liked a girl either, not in that way.

Elsa didn’t really understand dating apps. Like, how was it possible that you were supposed to start a romance with someone based solely on how they looked, and not their personality? And how could you start dating without even being friends first? Elsa would much rather become  _ close  _ friends with someone with a great personality and then she could start a romantic relationship with them, if she liked them in that way. She thought, at least, because she was  _ very  _ close with Kristoff, and she  _ definitely  _ did  _ not  _ like him in that way. In no parallel world, no other planet or  _ universe  _ would Elsa want to date Kristoff, or be more than best friends. At all. And Kristoff was the only person she had ever been close enough with to start developing romantic feelings for, except for Anna, and having romantic feelings for Anna would be… well, very awkward, to say the least. 

Elsa forced herself to get up when her 8:00 alarm did finally go off, and sat down at her table waiting for her coffee to finish. She could get food to eat on her way to the library. Once her cup was filled with coffee and lots of milk, she poured it into her travel mug and got dressed. She combed her hair into a tight bun, and then she exited her house, and went to a nearby cafe where she got a bagel with cream cheese.

Before entering the library, she pulled out her phone to make sure there was no cream cheese on her face. She saw a text from Maren, “ _ Hey Els! What are you doing on Saturday? Do you want to do something if you’re free?”  _ She must have missed seeing it from before, when they were texting, because it had been sent at 7:30, and Maren was likely at her work and working by then.

Elsa grinned, checked her calendar, and since she  _ was _ free, she texted back,  _ “Of course!” _

The rest of the week flew by pretty quickly, in Elsa’s joyful anticipation of the coming Saturday. She and Maren had been texting a little over the week,  _ “hellos”  _ and _ “goodbyes”, “goodnights”  _ and  _ “good mornings.”  _ However, they hadn’t made actual plans for what they were going to do, so Friday night came around, and the two texted late into the night coming up with ideas. 

_ “Lunch again?”  _ Elsa suggested.

“ _ Maybe something more fun…”  _ Maren wrote. 

_ “Do you have something in mind?” _

_ “I do, actually. Do you like surprises?” _

_ “Meh, not really.” _

_ “Oh, okay then. Well, what about if we go to, like, Coney Island?” _

_ “I, um, I’m not a big fan of roller coasters-” _

_ “Well, there is other stuff there, like games and things, but I understand if you don’t want to go.” _

_ “-But I’ll go with you.” _

_ “Perfect then! Meet at the F station at 10:30?” _

_ “Sure.”  _ Elsa beamed at the ease of the interaction, then frowned at her “ _ I’ll go with you.”  _ It seemed as if it may have come off flirtatious, and that wasn't Elsa’s plan. She didn't want- she  _ wasn't  _ trying to flirt with Maren. 

Elsa slept easier that night, for the second night in a row. This feeling, it felt like an old friend she’d always known, someone who she’d lost, but was just starting to remember. Elsa couldn't put a word to it at the moment. She began to drift off smoothly to sleep, and it came to her. The feeling- it was- ws  _ joy.  _

The next morning, Elsa woke up earlier than she usually did, and was ecstatic. She walked, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she fed Bruni and Olaf, humming to herself as she did. The two and a half hours went by quickly, and at 10:15, Elsa was out of her house and heading towards the subway. 

When she arrived, Maren was there waiting, and the pair eagerly half-walked, half-hopped to each other. They embraced in an awkward hug, which led to Elsa pulling away and sheepishly crossing her arms.

“How are you?” Maren asked. 

Elsa bit her lip, she had already opened up to Maren about a lot, and she wasn't sure why. “I’m actually doing okay.”

Maren grinned. “That's great to hear, Elsa!” she patted Elsa on the back, and Elsa shifted away slightly, looking at the floor awkwardly.    
  


“Are we going to go to the train now?” She asked quietly.

Maren chuckled, “Of-  _ sure.” _

The train ride was tense, with Elsa sitting stiffly and Maren next to her, trying to sit closer to her, and get Elsa to relax. Something about Elsa was off- different. Stiffer. Maren wondered if Elsa was actually okay. But she wouldn't prod it, for fear of ruining the day. And anyway, Elsa relaxed a bit once they got off the train and she texted something to someone, presumably, her sister. Anna, Maren thought. 

“Okay! So, now that we are here,” Maren said once they finished the walk and were entering the park, “I have to inform you that it is my duty to get you to go onto at least  _ one  _ ride!”

Elsa’s whole body tensed up. “What?” she said. 

“Small rides!” Maren reassured. “And we’ll start with games. And food. Or whatever.”

Elsa blinked slowly, as if trying to comprehend the day. She shrugged. “Can’t hurt to try, I guess,” she looked down at her feet and then straight into Maren’s eyes, which Maren wasn’t expecting, of course. It sent a course of electricity through her body. Maren had only fallen so hard, so fast for one other person. It had been in their senior year of high school, and the girl was so pretty, so beautiful. Maren finally worked up the courage to tell Maya that she liked her, and then Maya liked her back, and they dated, for three years. And then Maya decided that she really wasn’t a lesbian, or she didnt want to date a bi person or something, and she left. It really broke Maren, and she never fell for someone that hard again. Couldn't love someone and lose them again. 

And yet. 

Then there was Elsa. In all her beauty, Maren couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious and speechless. 

“But Maren, would you- Maren? Maren?” Maren came back from her thoughts as panic seeped into Elsa’s voice. 

“I- huh, yeah?” 

Elsa looked at the ground sheepishly, “Would you hold my hand?” she mumbled. 

The way Elsa bit her lip and mumbled when she was worried about an answer, it was  _ adorable.  _ Maren found it hard to keep her composure up and not blubber at Elsa. And hold her hand. Elsa’s hand. Elsa’s  _ fucking  _ hand. Elsa asked her to hold her hand. Maren realized she hadn’t responded with the worried look growing on Elsa’s face, so she blubbered out, “Sure- of course, yeah!”

So much for keeping her composure. 

After a couple of hours of games Elsa nervously agreed to going on the Cyclone. Sure, it was fast, and old and whatever, but it wasn't the Thunderbolt. Just sharp turns. No vertical drops or loop-the-loops. Elsa took a deep breath, and strapped herself in next to Maren. Maren’s warmth radiated off of her, their arms less than an inch away from touching. The ride started, and accelerated quickly, causing Elsa to gasp quietly, and Maren to grip her hand tightly. 

“You can lean on me if you need to,” she whispered, her warm breath coming in poofs right next to Elsa’s ear. 

After the first sharp turn, Elsa recoiled from her and Maren’s heads clanging together. It kind of ruined a peaceful moment, when Elsa was just settling down. The ride was quick otherwise, and they got off soon. 

“What’d you think?” Maren asked giddily.

‘Wasn't too bad, I guess,” Elsa said, her brows furrowed. 

“But you want to go,” Maren deadpanned, looking slightly disappointed. She knew already that,  _ yes,  _ Elsa did. 

Elsa nodded, and regretted it. Had she ruined Maren’s day? “But we can stay if you want,” her voice hoarse from holding in screams.

“No- no- I  _ ack _ , I want you to be happy.” 

“But I don’t want the day to be over,” Elsa reassured her. 

“So, do you want to go to my apartment?” Maren inquired. 

Elsa nodded. 

The train ride back was better, with some small talk. 

They arrived at Maren’s apartment, and Elsa reached the doorway first, stepping out of the way so Maren could get the keys in. 

“It’s not much,” she said, her cheeks the darkest blush Elsa had ever seen. The keys clicked, and Maren opened the door and led Elsa inside. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is staying safe!
> 
> (also wash your hands!)


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for physical abuse, please take care of yourself

Maren watched Elsa take in the scene, her heart pounding in her ears. She turned to Maren, smiling softly, “Your apartment is really nice.”

Maren’s cheeks burned. “Thank you.” She took a step to Elsa. And then another. And in a sudden burst of impulsivity, Maren pulled Elsa to her lips. 

She didn’t resist, just went stiff. Maren pulled away when Elsa didn’t kiss her back, and she could feel her cheeks and ears burning. She looked at the floor. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what drove me to do that. I- that was impulsive! And I don’t even know if you like women. Oh, _fuck me_.” 

Maren could see Elsa’s hands shaking a little. 

“I do,” Elsa whispered very softly. Maren barely heard it, and her head shot up, staring straight at Elsa. 

“You do?” She exclaimed. "You like women?"

“I think,” Elsa shook her head. “Actually, can we talk about that?” 

Maren nodded enthusiastically, and led Elsa to her couch. “Make yourself comfortable,” she motioned to the blankets and pillows. 

Elsa grabbed one blanket, and curled up under it. 

“So, you like girls?” 

“I think so,” Elsa looked thoughtful for a moment. “But, then again, I’ve never actually liked anyone. I was never close enough with anyone. Except Kristoff and Anna. But,” Elsa bit her lip. 

“But what?”

“You. You like me. I _want_ to like you, but I don’t know how.” 

Maren stayed silent, chewing on her lip as she thought. “What do you mean, you’ve never been close enough with anyone?” 

Elsa stared at her in confusion. “I thought you had to be like, good friends before you crushed on someone.”

“No, well, not for me. Not always. Like you, it was a cliche _love at first sight_ moment.”

“Oh. So I’m just broken then.”

“No. You could be demiromantic. Where you have to have a strong emotional bond with someone before you start to have romantic feelings for them.”

Recognition flashed across Elsa’s eyes. “Okay. That sounds like me. I think.” 

“Are you ace?” Maren asked. “You know, asexual. Lack of sexual attraction and/or desire.” 

Elsa chewed her lip. She chuckled, “Yes, and more like disgusted by sexual… things.”

“Okay. That’s okay. There are many people like you.” 

“Okay. That’s good.” 

“What about people?”

“What do you mean?” 

“Like, do you like just women? Men? Both? Everyone?”

Elsa furrowed her brows. “Just women… I think,” she said tentatively. 

“Okay, that’s cool, Elsa! So, you’re a lesbian asexual demiromantic.”

Elsa nodded, then repeated it to herself and smirked. “That’s so many words.”

Maren laughed. “But, Elsa, you don’t have to obviously but it might help if you came out to your sister, Anna, right? Once you are ready,” she clarified.

“Yes.”

“Yes what? You will? Or that your sister’s name is Anna?”

“Both.”

“And your parents.”

Elsa drew in a sharp breath. 

“Unless they’re homophobic,” Maren said quickly. 

“Dead,” Elsa said, staring into Maren’s eyes. “They’re dead.” 

“Oh. I’m sorry. I-“ Maren took a shaky breath, “lost my parents when I was really young, and me and Ryder were raised by our aunt Yelena. I don’t remember them at all though. But I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“No,” Elsa’s head dropped. “My dad was-“ she shook her head. “He was abusive. And my mom, ignorant. I think she thought that if she pretended my abuse wasn’t happening, that it wasn’t happening. She didn’t want to accept that my dad wasn’t the perfect person she thought he was. She loved me, but not enough. They wanted Anna. Not me. My dad was…” Elsa trailed off, her eyes clouding over. “He was an alcoholic and would take out his problems on me. And he was homophobic, I think.”

_It was dinner, steaming bowls of soup set out in front of the Arendelle family._

_There wasn’t much conversation, and dinner ended soon enough, leaving the family to their own vices. Elsa sat on the couch, reading._

_Late at night, when Elsa could hear gentle snores coming from the hallway, she assumed it was safe to go back to her room. That her dad was asleep._

_How wrong she was._

_She was stopped at the entrance to the hall by her dad’s figure. An empty bottle of liquor hanging out of his grip. She eyed his hands, balling into fists. Preparation._

“He would make any excuse to hurt me. Be it bad grades, or whatever. He turned it into an excuse,” she told Maren, tears dripping down her face. “That night it was my lack of having a boyfriend.” 

_“Father,” she said, dropping her head._

_“Elsa,” her father growled. Venom dropped over his words, vodka on his breath. “Tell me something,” he walked toward, causing Elsa to stumble backwards. “Look at me in the eye,” he snarled. Elsa’s head snapped up, staring at him. “Anna has a boyfriend, yes.” It wasn’t a question. It was something to be turned into an accusation._

_“Yes. Anna has a boyfriend.” Hans. Elsa was sure the boy wasn’t good for Anna, because the girl had become sullen, sadder, and jumpier since they got together. Anna claimed it was true love though._

_“You could have just said yes!” Agnarr pushed Elsa in her chest and she fell backwards, her neck snapping back and her head meeting the edge of a side table. She winced._ It hurt. _The pain radiated to her eyes. Elsa’s father leaned over her._

_“And she is nearly fifteen,” he snarled into her face. “So tell me why you don’t.”_

_Elsa stayed silent. She knew that he didn’t actually want an answer. “I said tell me!” He roared, grabbing Elsa by the collar of her shirt and pulling her up._

_“I don’t know!” Elsa snapped. Tears ran down to her chin._

_“Don’t cry, you stupid, ungrateful brat.”_

“I was sixteen,” Elsa sobbed, and Maren pulled her into a tight hug. 

_Her father dropped Elsa to her feet, and she stood there for a moment, dazed, and then tried to run away from him. “Please, let me go,” she pleaded._

_“And don’t tell me you have a girlfriend!” He screamed. “I’m not getting mixed up in any gay shit of yours.” He reached for Elsa’s wrists, and grabbed them together, twisting her arms. Elsa bit back a scream of agony. With his other hand, he grabbed Elsa by her neck and shoved her up on the nearest wall. “Get yourself a fucking boyfriend Elsa.”_

“Why did he want you to have a boyfriend so badly? You don’t have to answer,” Maren whispered. Elsa’s sobs almost drowned out her answer, but she spoke.

“It was just an excuse. That way he could cause me more pain,” her voice faltered giving way to sobs. 

_She couldn’t answer, her lungs burning from her father's grip. She couldn’t breathe. Her father twisted her wrists one last time. And reared his hand back and punched her square in the jaw. Elsa tasted spit and blood pool in her mouth. Her lungs screamed for air, and the world was going fuzzy. “Please,” she tried to wheeze, but she couldn’t get enough air._

_Her father finally dropped her, and she crumpled to the floor, her lungs now burning with the entry of air. “Stand up,” her father commanded._

_She shakily stood up, dizzy and unstable._

_“Look me in the eye, Elsa, and tell me, why you don’t have a boyfriend.”_

_“I don’t want one!” Elsa yelped, and then realized what she said. And clapped her hands over her mouth. Her father turned to her, smirking, yet his eyes were cold._

_He knew he had won._

_“You, what, Elsa?”_

_Elsa stayed silent, looking at her father, taking large gasps of air._

_“You don’t want a boyfriend? What, a girlfriend? Is that what you want? I don’t think so, Elsa.”_

_He pushed her again, and she fell back into the wall, her head snapping back so viciously that the world went black for a few moments._

_She gagged, nausea and bile rising in her throat. Her father advanced on her. “I’m not taking that homosexual bullshit, Elsa. If you have a mental illness, you will be treated. Do you understand me?”_

_She nodded._

_“Last time I checked, you could talk.”_

_“Yes! Yes!” Elsa pleads, looking into the black, heartless eyes._

_“Yes what?” His breath, heavy with vodka seeped into Elsa’s mouth._

_“Yes, I understand you.”_

_“Good.” He leaned down, and punched her neck just above her collarbone, not very hard, but hard enough that Elsa gagged._

_He held out his hand. “Let me help you get up.”_

_Elsa looked nervously at his hand, and then pushed herself up without accepting it. “I’m good.”_

_His eyes, if they could, got colder. “If I offer you something, you take it.” His eyes twitched._

_Then he slammed his forearm against Elsa’s neck and shoved her up on the wall, Elsa struggling against his grip. She felt the air disappear from her lungs again. Her father pushed harder against her neck. Elsa gave up struggling, and let go._

_If she was going to die then, she was ready. She was ready for it to be over._

_“Kill me.” She wheezed. Her father's grip loosened slightly._

_“What?”_

_“If you’re going to kill me, kill me,” she struggled to say. “Just tell Anna that I loved her. You can even make it seem like it was a suicide.”_

“Elsa…” Maren whispered. “Firstly, I want you to know that I’m glad you’re here. And I’m really, really, sorry that you felt that way.” In the raw emotion of the moment, Elsa couldn’t answer, but she leaned into Maren’s hug more. 

_Agnarr’s eyes flared up. His press on Elsa’s neck became harder. The air became even more far away. A distant idea, something she couldn’t remember anymore. Elsa closed her eyes. She was ready. She felt her consciousness begin to slip. The last thing she heard was a surprised “Agnarr!” And a gasp, an angry “Let go of the girl,” and her father let Elsa fall. She had no strength anymore, so she crumpled to a ball. She opened her eyes just in time to see her mother walk away, angrily whispering. Elsa assumed her mother would come back, but she never did. She left Elsa there, swimming between consciousness for a few minutes, before finally, Elsa blacked out._

“I think the scariest thing is, I realize now that he didn’t plan to let me go. He wanted to,” Elsa drew a hard breath. “He wanted to kill me. If my mom hadn’t come-” Elsa broke off into shaky sobs. 

Maren pulled her tightly to her chest. 

“I was going to, you know. Kill myself,” Elsa admitted. “I didn’t want to live like that anymore. But once I got there, the handful of pills just an inch from my mouth, I couldn’t. Anna needed me.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Maren whispered tenderly. 

“Me too.” 

“Did Anna know… about everything?” 

“I don’t- no she didn’t,” Elsa shook her head. “She would have done something. And my parents- they loved her. She saw them as practically perfect parents. I-” she broke off.

“You didn’t want to ruin them for her?” 

“Yeah.” 

For the next ten moments, or ten minutes, or an hour, Elsa didn’t know, Maren let Elsa cry. She held her tightly, as Elsa’s whole body rocked with sobs. Elsa sobbed until her eyes ran out of tears, and even after, she stayed within Maren’s warm arms. When she pulled away, her hair was wet so Maren must have cried with her. 

“You care,” Elsa said bluntly. 

Maren seemed taken back. “Of course I do!”

“No, I didn’t mean it that way,” Elsa said. “It’s just, no one has ever cared for me like that. Cried about my story. Other than Anna and Kristoff, most people just brushed it off as attention-seeking, I think.”

“You told someone?” Maren cocked her head. 

“I went to a teacher once. They said they’d do something, but didn’t. When I left the room, I thought I heard them say 'attention-seekers will do anything,' and shake their head. Apart from that, I think some classmates knew. I had bruises a lot though I did my best to cover them with makeup.”

“Elsa. I am going to go throw up now. That disgusts me.”

Maren left, and there was gagging from a nearby restroom, which made Elsa gag. 

  
  


Maren returned, a disgusted look on her face. “The teacher did nothing.”

Elsa nodded. She was done. She didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Okay, your turn.”

“My turn?”

“What’s your sad life story?”

Maren swallowed. “First of all, I don’t want this to come off as rude, but I’m almost glad that you’re demiromantic.”

Elsa looked at her in surprise. “Almost glad?” her shoulders sagged. “So you aren’t happy for me.”

“No, no- I’m _overjoyed_ for you. I didn’t mean it in that way. I meant for _me._ I’m terrified of falling in love again. I’m glad that we’ll be friends first. The last time I fell so hard in love so fast as with a girl named Maya,” her lip curled into a sneer at the name. 

“So, you’re in love with me.”

“No. Not yet. I like you, a lot.”

Elsa nodded. 

“She liked me back,” Maren continued. “We were together. For three _fucking_ years. We moved in together. We were planning to buy an apartment. Then one day, she decided she wasn’t gay. She was straight, apparently. Or that she didn’t want to be together with a bi girl. Either way, she packed her bags and walked out.” 

Maren looked Elsa right in the eye. “I loved her so much. So much,” her eyes glazed over. “And she left me, when I was 21. I was ready to propose. I loved her. And she left me! Because I am bi or whatever. But I don’t want to lose someone else. Someone that I love so much. And, fuck, it’s been four years, and I think about it everyday.”

Maren gulped. “I’m aware that you trust me, Elsa. You wouldn’t have told me that about your father if you didn’t. It’s a big part of you. I, I want you to know that I trust you too.” 

Elsa nodded. “Thank you for telling me that. You’re one of the first, maybe _the first_ person to listen to me, and to care. And I barely know you. Well, now I do. Kind of. I want to get to know you better. I want to be able to like you the way you like me.”

“Thank you, Elsa,” Maren smiled weakly at her. And then Elsa pulled Maren into a tight hug and let Maren cry. Elsa rested her head on Maren’s shoulder, and let out a few final minutes of crying. “For not assuming that I’m gay in-denial. Because I was in a long-term relationship with a girl. And because I like you,” Maren finished. 

Elsa shrugged. “If your preferences, if you have them, are towards girls it doesn’t invalidate your bisexuality. Just because you are having a relationship with a man doesn’t make you straight, and vice versa.” Elsa hugged her friend closer, and let the last few tears on her eyelashes drip down her cheeks. She took deep breaths, and reminded herself she was okay. She was safe. Her dad was gone and couldn’t hurt her anymore. But she still bore the scars of the torture, both mentally and physically. Her nose, for example, was slightly crooked from being broken and healing slightly wrong. And her anxiety, something she hadn’t suffered from until she was 13, when it started. Even when her parents died when she was 19, five years ago, it didn’t go away. 

She was still getting over the nightmares, which she used to have nearly every night, which now happened a few times a month. And she used to have panic attacks at least twice a day, and now a few times a week. 

She was recovering, and as with most recoveries, it was taking time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter summary: Elsa and Maren talk and marine helps Elsa with her sexuality, and Elsa realizes that she is lesbian asexual demiromantic. Elsa opens up about her past, a memory where Agnarr physically abuses and nearly kills Elsa- to the point where Elsa is practically begging him to kill her. But her mom arrives and stops it, taking her father away, but she doesn't come back to check on Elsa. Marin talks about her past, where she fell in love and was with a girl for 3 years who then decided she wasn't gay and left Maren, who is now scared of falling in love again.
> 
> Disclaimer: Agar's ideas and beliefs about homosexuality are in no way my own. If you are gay, you do not have a mental illness. You are a beautiful human being, and you should be proud of being yourself. Bisexuality exists. This is the same with any sexuality and romantic orientation, and gender identity. You are valid. Be proud. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied physical abuse  
> as well as homophobia (which there will probably be a lot of in the rest of this story, or just themes dealing with it)  
> I realized the ages of the characters weren't making sense so for clarification, (I changed some things) Anna has just turned 23, Elsa is going to turn 25 in December (it’s currently late June) and she’s currently 24, Kristoff is almost 25, and Maren turned 25 in January 
> 
> And the date is June 29 in this chapter 
> 
> Hopefully that clarified some details
> 
> And pleease please tell me if in a chapter I made a mistake with my math and need to change the ages or something like that

_You will be okay eventually, and for now, it’s okay to hurt.”_

These were the words whispered into Elsa’s forehead, when Maren gently kissed her goodnight. They were the words Maren’s finger slowly traced when Elsa was sobbing into her shoulder. Elsa repeated them to herself that night. It felt good to have something other than _conceal, don’t feel_ instilled into her brain. 

Elsa’s forehead tingled where Maren’s lips had been, so that was a plus. It was an entirely platonic motion, Maren knew and understood how Elsa felt. But it was _calming_. Elsa could barely the last time someone other than Anna kissed her goodnight. 

It was _okay_ to _hurt._ Elsa had spent so long berating herself for not being okay yet- first after one year, then two years, then three… She hadn’t had someone to lean on that she trusted in the way she trusted Maren. It was something unspoken about Maren’s personality, something that if you blinked you could miss, but was there if you knew where to look. It was an aura of, _“you can lean on me,”_ that Elsa needed to find in someone. Someone she could talk to. Yes, Elsa did have a therapist. She knew that she could always tell Hailey anything that was bothering her, anything that she needed help with; but that was also the thing about not having a friend to talk to as well. Hailey was there to help Elsa climb out of the dark, bottomless pit that she was in, and slowly climbing her way out. It was long and tedious, but with the right help- maybe she could do it. But the thing Elsa needed most at the moment, as she was constantly being told by both Hailey and Anna was someone she could lean on and get help with for the smaller parts of her life. Someone she could trust. A friend. Of course, with Anna, it was a boyfriend, but as Elsa had recently discovered- that wasn’t really her thing. Not her direction on the swing.

For Anna, it was like she had sat on the swing and had been pulled really hard backwards. Maren’s swing swung in both directions, but went higher to the front. And Elsa, someone gave Elsa a tiny push forward. That someone was Maren. 

Elsa had baggage, and her sexuality and romantic orientation made it hard to fall in love. Not that she would take it any other way, (except for the baggage part, she wished she could go back to baggage claim and put her briefcase back in the conveyor belt and never look back again) but if Maren could love her through it, then maybe Maren _was_ the one she had been looking for all of her life. Maybe. It was a big _maybe_ about someone she’d only known briefly, and Elsa… didn’t know stuff like this. Romance. Loving someone more than she loved herself. (In reality, that was not too hard for her- she loved almost everyone more than she loved herself, but she was getting better.) 

Elsa pulled the blankets tighter around her, disrupting where Bruni lay, causing him to jump up with a half-hearted hiss, and pad around the edge of the bed until he was comfortable. Elsa rolled her eyes, and switched over to her left side. She sighed, closing her eyes and tried to let go and fall asleep. But her hands still shook a little- her fingertips slightly numb, and there was still a small knot of fear in the pit of her stomach. But for then, it was okay to hurt. It didn’t mean it was pleasant- just that she could fall again and it would be okay. And when she did, Maren, Kristoff, and Anna would be there to catch her. 

Elsa exhaled. Tomorrow, she would tell Anna. Her heart fluttered, but with excitement or fear, she couldn’t tell- maybe both. She hoped, but was nearly sure that Anna would support her. Nevertheless, she feared for the worst and replayed the worst possible outcomes in her mind. Anna was...Elsa couldn’t lose her so soon after finding her again. If Elsa lost Anna, she would lose Kristoff. She would lose her best friends. 

Elsa buried her head under her pillow. Finally, after a few hours of trying- she slipped into a fretful, nightmarish sleep. 

_She found herself in her old bedroom. The frames from photos were smashed on the floor with shards of glass spread across the floor. Panic rose in Elsa’s throat. She had a photo of Anna and her- her happiest memory, and one she couldn’t lose. “No no,” she muttered, getting down on her knees and brushing away the glass to find it._

_She recovered it, and hugged it tightly to her chest._

_Five knocks. It was Anna’s signature. Elsa’s head shot up. “Come in!”_

_Anna barely visited Elsa anymore. They didn’t talk so much, not since Elsa became so withdrawn and Anna met Hans._

_Anna’s freckled face and bright red hair entered the room, frowning. Anna opened her mouth to talk, but instead of Anna’s voice it was her father’s. “Elsa, I broke the photos for a reason.”_

_Elsa’s head spun. She was missing something, because nothing added up._

_“Anna?”_

_Anna ran towards Elsa._

_“I hate you so much Elsa.” That time it was Anna’s voice._

_“I- I don’t get it.”_

_Anna (or not Anna?) reached for Elsa’s throat._

_“No!” Elsa screamed, tumbling out of the way at the last minute. “I don’t understand, Anna. What did I do?”_

_Anna looked at her in a moment of confusion. Then turned away, and began to walk towards the doorway of the room._

_She paused before leaving, spat on the floor, and snarled in her father’s voice, “Gay trash.”_

_Elsa gasped, and stumbled backwards, falling onto her bed. That’s what this was about. Elsa’s hands shook, and she looked down at the photo, before tearing it in half. Life wasn’t worth it if Anna didn’t support her._

_Was that what she was, though?_

_Gay tra-_

Elsa’s eyes opened wide, and she shot up, breathing heavily. 

“Nonononono…” she looked at the picture frame on her bedside table to make sure that the photo, the one in her dream, was still there. It was. The dream was all of Elsa’s fears- not being accepted by Anna, and her father. She shook under the blankets. She was okay. From her father, at least. She had no idea what Anna would do. It was morning, at least. Elsa knew if she waited much longer she would chicken out. She picked up her phone, and shakily typed in Anna’s name.

Her contact profile came up. Her profile picture was the two of them, again, smiling. Elsa shakily pressed call. 

“Anna?” She whispered, after her sister picked up after the second ring.

“Elsa! Are you okay? Where are you?”

“I’m okay,” (sort of) “I- you- no, can we talk?”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

“No, at my place. Please.”

“I’ll be there soon,” Anna paused. “Are you okay? Do you need Advil or something?” 

“Uh, no. Just you.”

“I’ll be there soon.” 

The phone call ended, and Elsa sighed, falling back onto her pillow.

_No turning back now._

Anna showed up no more than 15 minutes after the phone call. She arrived at the door breathless, panting. 

“I got here as fast as I could,” she gasped. She looked at Elsa’s face. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Just come inside.”

Anna came in, a worried look on her face. She held her hand up to Elsa’s forehead. “Well, I don’t think you have a fever…”

“I’m fine, Anna! I just need to talk. There’s this-”she shook her head. “I don’t want to mess things up.”

“What things?”

“You, me. Kristoff. The fundamentals of my life.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

Elsa’s gut twisted. “Neither do I.”

“Elsa… Are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting weird.”

Elsa felt nauseous. Her heart hammered. “I’m fine. Just- just give me time.”

“Okay…” Anna eyed her suspiciously. 

“Actually, can I have a hug?” _In case it’s the last time._

Anna nodded, confused, but pulled her sister into a hug. Elsa relaxed into her sister’s warmth. Her heart twisted, pounding. Tears pricked her eyes. 

Elsa’s face contorted trying to hold in sobs. “I’m scared, Anna.”

“Elsa, I don’t get it- where are you going with this? What are you trying to _say?”_

Elsa bit her lip. “I love you.”

“That’s it?” Anna snorted. “You made me get up at six, just to tell me that you love me?”

“No! That’s not it. I-,” Elsa shook her head. “Promise me you know that I love you.”

“I know, Elsa.” 

Anna looked into Elsa’s eyes. “I love you too.”

That made Elsa’s heart wrench. _Gaytrashgaytrashgay- Stop it._

Elsa took a deep breath. “Anna, there’s something I have to tell you. That you need to know.” 

“Oh my god! Are one of the cousins sick? Are _you_ sick?” Anna snickered. “Are you pregnant?”

Elsa stumbled backwards. “What! No!” _That won’t happen. Not naturally, at least._

“Elsa… I’m lost here. Please tell me what’s going on.”

Elsa took a deep breath and grabbed the corner of her table to steady herself. _Gay trash. No. Tell her._

“I’m gay.” 

Anna’s face twisted like she’d tasted something sour. 

“And asexual and demiromantic,” Elsa breathed.

“You. Gay.” Anna repeated.

Elsa dipped her head. “That’s what Maren said.”

“But- you can't be!” Anna shook her head. “That’s wrong. Father always said that it was.”

Elsa couldn’t talk. Her chest squeezed tight. 

“Wait,” Anna said quizzically. “That’s what _Maren_ said? _Oh, I’m going to_ \- she’s the one dragging you into this?”

“No- that was the wrong way of saying it! She helped me discover that part of me. She helped! We talked about it last night and she helped me put words to it.”

Anna wasn’t paying attention to Elsa. “She’s making you believe your gay, so that, I don’t know! Drag you into the LGBT community!” Anna spat. 

Elsa trembled at the way she said it. 

Anna stared at her. “What about John?”

“Who?”

“The boy you went to prom with.”

_Oh. Him._ “I didn’t love him, Anna.” 

“Then why’d you go?” 

“I didn’t want to stand out more, okay!”

“ _Where does_ Maren _live?”_ Anna snarled. She spat out Maren’s name like poison. 

“No! Anna, please. I’ve always been gay. I was never not a lesbian. I was never _straight._ I knew that I wasn’t. I never had the right words, until Maren helped me with it.” 

“But-”

“I don’t _care_ about _John!”_ Elsa snapped, her own maliciousness surprising her. “This is who I am, Anna. Maren’s not turning me over. And being LGBTQIA+ is fine.”

“But Father said-”

“I don’t care what he said! What he said _never mattered!_ He was an asshole. Okay, Anna? He tried to kill me. Because of this,” she waved her hands between the two of them. 

Elsa breathed. _In, out. Onetwothreefour…_ “If you’re not going to support me, I think you should go.”

“But-”

“Enough, Anna.”

“It’s wrong, Elsa! I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Rage boiled in Elsa’s gut. “I said _enough!”_

Anna stumbled. She couldn’t recall the last time she saw Elsa so _angry._

Elsa’s eyes were wide with fear. “Go, please,” she pleaded. 

Anna swallowed, and strolled out without another word. Elsa slammed the door behind her. Elsa sank to the floor, unable to support herself. She pulled her knees to her chest. _Breathe, Elsa._

_Gay trash._

She couldn’t breathe through the gasping sobs that shook her. “Mother… now, you, Anna. And Kristoff,” she whispered. “What am I going to do?”

She closed her eyes, breathed in, and rested her forehead on her knees, sobbing. 

She shakily got up, after ten minutes, and got her phone. 

“Maren,” she whispered, opening up her texts.

_“Maren, I came out to Anna.”_ No response. _“She didn’t take it well.”_ Elsa waited, but Maren must have been asleep. _“I’m scared, Maren.”_

She exhaled. _“I thought she would accept me.”_ Elsa felt herself begin to shake and her fingers go numb. _“I can’t lose her, Maren. What do I do now?”_

Maren was the one who told Elsa that everything would be alright eventually, and that it was okay to hurt. But right now, nothing was okay, and Elsa was doing nothing but hurt- and she didn’t want to. She wanted her and Anna to be sitting on her couch she thinking of how obvious it was that she was gay as a kid. She wanted Anna to be there. 

She needed Anna. She would fall without her. She would fail without her. Elsa didn’t know how she could get over her fears without Anna. Or Kristoff. 

Maren’s text bubble popped up. _“Oh no. I’m so sorry.”_ Then nothing for a few seconds. _“Where do you live? I’m coming with ice cream.”_

Elsa smiled. She hastily typed in her address.

There was nothing from Maren for ten minutes, and then there was a knock on the door. Elsa gingerly opened it, and Maren barreled in holding two large tubs of ice cream, which she threw to the side when she saw how Elsa’s face was twisted with fear and sadness. Maren wrapped her arms around the blonde’s shoulder, and Elsa sunk to the floor. Maren hugged her tight while she sobbed. “It’s okay, you’re okay. I’ve got you.”

After a few minutes of Maren tenderly stroking Elsa’s hair and Elsa’s sobs lessening, Maren whispered, “ice cream?” 

Elsa tried to smile, but it made her cry a little more, and she nodded.

Maren got up to get the ice cream, and then paused. “Where are your spoons?”

“Second.. d-drawer,” Elsa stammered hoarsely. Maren found them, and the two of them sat down on Elsa’s couch.

“Mint chip or peanut butter chocolate?”

“Mint chip,” Elsa whispered. Maren handed her the tub and a spoon. Elsa nodded thanks. 

After a few minutes of them shoveling ice cream into their mouths, Maren turned to Elsa. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked.

Elsa shook her head. “Not yet.”

“Okay.” 

Elsa looked at her ice cream. “Do you still like me?”

“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here,” Maren joked, trying to lighten the mood. She paused. “You meant.. like _that_ , right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I do, Elsa. And even if I didn’t, you are an amazing person, and I’m lucky to call you my friend.”

“But I have so much baggage.”

“Doesn’t matter. I want to be able to help in any way I can.”

“Where do you work?” 

“I’m going to school, actually. I’m training to be a therapist.”

“You’ll be good,” Elsa said, her voice hoarse. 

“Thank you.”

Elsa breathed. “Thank you for being my friend. For being here now.”

“It’s what friends are for,” Maren smiled at Elsa, a little more than platonic love in her eyes. 

Elsa looked away, uncomfortable, and Maren shook her head. 

“Maren…” Elsa began tensely. “I have to ask you,” she trailed off, nervous.

“Yeah?”

Elsa blushed. “If I… start to, like, _like_ you…”

“Then what?” Maren smirked, amused. “Then we take it as slow or as fast as you want to. Tell me if or when you’re ready, Elsa. And I will be too.” 

“Thanks,” Elsa gulped, and scooched Closer to Maren, who wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “What about Anna?”

“Give her time,” Maren sighed. “But, Elsa… I’m here for you… if…. if….” she bit her lip. “If Anna isn’t.” 

Elsa tensed. Maren pulled her closer to her.

“But give her time, Elsa, and I’m sure she will be.” 

Elsa nodded. Maren and her ice creams sat on her coffee table, forgotten about.

They melted into soup, as Maren hugged Elsa tight, and Elsa let out her pent up sobs of anger and frustration. 

  
The two spent the rest of the day sitting like that, and for once, Elsa felt loved. She felt like she was home. 

* * *

“What the fuck, Anna!?” Kristoff yelled, slamming his fist on the table. 

“But, it is!” Anna asserted, fear growing in her stomach and her pupils dilating. 

“Anna,” Kristoff said, his voice dangerously low, “You said to Elsa that being gay was wrong.”

Anna sighed, and nodded. “It’s what my father always told me,” she crossed her arms on her chest.

“The fuck, Anna,” Kristoff was enraged. 

Anna stayed silent, challenging him. 

“I’m pansexual, you know,” Kristoff growled. “Do you not want to marry me anymore?”

Anna bit her lip, and looked at the floor. 

“Goddammit, Anna! You’re so stubborn. Your father was wrong. Did you not pick up on that from what he did to Elsa?”

Kristoff looked at Anna in disgust. “I’m leaving. I don’t want to talk to you until you apologize. Please. I can’t even-” he sighed, and turned to the door. 

“Wait!” Anna yelled, and Kristoff looked back hopeful. “Where are you going?”

He sighed. It wasn’t what he was hoping she would say. “To do the next right thing,” he answered. He opened the door, and left, leaving Anna to wallow in her mistakes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this is just a dump of my fears around coming out


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: tiny bit of homophobia, mentions of suicide and mentions of verbally abusive relationships

Maren held Elsa tight as the blonde cried. “Tell me if you want to talk about it.”

Elsa nodded. “I do.”

“Okay.”

“Anna, she- I asked her to come after I had a nightmare about this… I knew I would chicken out if I didn’t tell her soon- and she- I- she came, and she was worried. She said I was acting weird, which I guess I was… I don’t know.”

“You were nervous.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s valid.” 

Elsa nodded, then continued with her story. 

“We fought about it, she said-” Elsa was cut off by a knock at her door.

“Elsa?” It was Kristoff’s voice. “I talked to Anna.”

Elsa tensed. 

“I understand if you don’t want to talk. But… we fought about it.”

Maren whispered to Elsa, “she outed you?”

Elsa nodded, “I guess. It’s fine, I was going to tell him today anyways. He’s- we’re best friends.” 

“She- I got really mad. I’m really sorry,” Kristoff sighed. “If you don’t want to face me or talk to me that’s ok. I just- I want you to know that,” Kristoff hesitated. “I’m pan. So it hit me really hard too.” 

Elsa stood up, and started to walk towards the door. 

“I think she’ll get over it. Her- the beliefs, they were, it was your dad. He always told her-”

Elsa opened the door.

“-hi,” Kristoff said when he saw her. Elsa didn’t speak, but moved closer to him. He wrapped her in a hug. 

“You really think she’ll get over it?” Elsa whispered.

“Yeah. I do. She loves you, Elsa, and I _know_ that this isn’t enough to break you guys apart.”

Elsa nodded, sighed, and pulled away from the hug. She saw Maren standing awkwardly next to the couch. “Uh.. Kristoff, this is Maren. And Maren, this is Kristoff.” 

Maren waved. “Nice to meet you.”

Kristoff smiled. “You too,” he turned back to Elsa. “Well, it seems you have company. So I’ll be on my way.”

“Where are you going?”

“Home, I guess. See if Anna’s has a change of heart.”

“If not?”

“I don’t know, my parents’ house I guess.”

“You’re always welcome here. Right Maren?”

Maren stuttered, “h-uh wha? Oh yeah, definitely!!”

“Thanks Els.”

Elsa dipped her head. Kristofff turned away, and began to walk off.

“And Kristoff?” Elsa said. 

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for telling me that you’re pan. You have my full support.”

Kristoff grinned. “As do you!” 

Elsa sighed as she shut the door. Turning to Maren she whispered, her eyes wide, “I can’t lose her. I,” she stopped, sighed, and started again. “I can’t lose her, Maren. Not so soon after I found her again.

“Neither of us had an easy childhood from when each of us were thirteen to Anna, when she was 17 and me, 19. Anna was with a verbally abusive boyfriend, who was charming at first,” she grimaced. “As they all tend to be. And she couldn’t leave him- as my own mental health degraded, I watched my little sister withdraw and begin to have,” she sighed, “a severely morphed body image. Because of what _Hans_ told her. Things got better the year our parents died though. For me, as much as I missed my mother, it was an exhilarating part of my life,” she paused, furrowing her brows. “No, not exhilarating. That’s the wrong word. Liberating. But for Anna, it was one of the worst times of her life. But in that, she somehow saw that getting away from _Hans,”_ Elsa spat the name, “would make a part of her life better. So she ended it. It was really hard for her, because obviously getting out of an abusive,” Elsa drew a sharp breath, “relationship, with _anyone_ is really hard. But six months later, she met Kristoff, and here we are, nearly three years later, and… all of this… just happened.” Elsa’s eyes widened. “Maren, I don’t know why I told you that. That was Anna’s business. That was stupid… if you see her, tell her I’m sorry.” 

Maren took a step towards Elsa, gingerly setting her foot down, and watching Elsa’s facial expression. She got close enough, and pulled Elsa into a hug. She took a deep breath, the intoxicating scent of Elsa pouring into her nose and lungs. _Home._

Elsa smelled like _home._ Maren knew she was likely moving too fast with this, and all she wanted was for Elsa to feel safe. She wanted to be good person, and a good friend, and if and _only if_ it got to the point, a good girlfriend too. 

“Your secrets are safe with me.”

“Promise?” Elsa whispered.

“Cross my heart.” 

Elsa sighed. “After they broke up, Anna came to me and told me. I was terrified of her, since we hadn’t really had an interaction for six years. She looked at me and said, ‘what has happened to you, Elsa?’ She said that I used to be so strong and happy, and that now- now all I was was scared. Even scared of her. My sister. I told her it was nothing, but she kept prying. Finally, after a few months, I worked up the courage to tell her. It’s been five years, yes, but five years isn’t enough to build up a life-long bond that you’re supposed to have with your sibling. I just found her again. She just- we just found each other, Maren. Life isn’t worth living without her.”

Maren chewed on her lip, and bit down a little too hard and metallic blood filled her mouth. “I don’t know, Elsa. I don’t know what is going to happen. I do _think_ that what Kristoff said is right. You guys are really close, and this isn’t enough to tear you apart.” 

Elsa looked at the floor. _“Cause these words are knives that often leave scars, The fear of falling apart,”_ she muttered. 

“What?” 

Elsa shook her head. “Nothing. Just a song.” 

“Okay…”

_Cause these words are knives that often leave scars_

_The fear of falling apart,_ Maren thought. That was what Elsa had said, right? Maren understood what _the fear of falling apart_ meant to Elsa, but- what words? And it seemed a little out of place. Maren sighed, and shook her head. 

_“This is Gospel,”_ Elsa said suddenly. Maren’s head shot up.

“What?”

“The song. This is Gospel by Panic! At The Disco.”

Maren nodded. 

“I can play it for you. It- I don’t know. The words they… I just relate to them.”

“I’ll listen.”

Elsa opened her phone, and within seconds a song was playing.

_If you love me let me go-oo-oh,_ Maren couldn’t help but feel a pang at the lyrics- she did sense how Elsa could feel relation to them. She’d lost a lot of things she’d loved. Maren bit her tongue.

“Maybe we should find a happier song for you to relate to?” she suggested. 

“But my life is a depressing song,” Elsa half-joked.

Maren sighed. “Do you want to talk more about earlier?” 

“Actually- yeah. I do.”

“Okay. Let’s go sit down again.”

Maren sat down, and Elsa turned away for a second. “Wait- I’ll be right back.” 

Elsa walked away, and went and uncovered Olaf’s cage, earning a surprised squawk, and then the bird perched himself on Elsa’s shoulder. She walked back to the couch.

“Maren, this is Olaf, and Olaf, this is Maren.”

“You have a _cockatoo?”_ Maren screeched. 

Elsa stepped back, in fake offendedness. “Yeah!”

“Okay… well that is cool.” 

Elsa grinned and sat on the couch again. “I just- I never thought that- My father always told me about ‘don’t get mixed up in the gay shit, Elsa. I didn’t realize he also did it to Anna. It makes me wonder if- well, if that’s why she ended up with Hans. To get him off her back, you know? But Anna is like, _the straightest_ person I know,” Elsa sniggered, “so I don’t think that’s the case. Maybe, maybe she was stressed out by it. She did truly seem to think, at the beginning, that her and Hans had some sort of true love. I told her, well, I tried to tell her that Hans was bad for her, but she got mad at me and yelled. ‘What do you know about true love! All you know is how to shut people out!’ I guess I deserved it. But, yeah… what do I know about true love? But that’s not the point. It hurt. When she said that,” Elsa shook her head. “I’m getting off topic here, I just thought for a minute that maybe Anna was bi or pan with, you know, internalized homophobia?”

“Well, she could be. But ask her, don’t assume. But- Elsa, what I want to know is about _you._ How are you feeling right now?”

“Shitty,” Elsa drew a sharp breath, reprimanding herself for cursing. “Broken, really. I mean, what do you do when it’s clear that everything will never be the same again? I feel like I’m stumbling blindly towards the light.”

“Okay. But, how can you be so sure that everything will never be the same again? Give Anna some time, and then maybe try talking to her.

“And with it done, what comes next,” Elsa muttered flatly.

It took all of Maren’s willpower to not lie and tell Elsa that it would all be okay. “I don’t know,” she admitted.

Elsa’s face twisted as she tried to hold back sobs. Olaf squawked and jumped off her shoulder, flying away, and startling Maren. She jumped back for a second, and then hugged Elsa again as she cried.

Kristoff arrived back at his house to see Anna crestfallen and staring at her phone. He was a little surprised- Anna was extremely stubborn and held by her word, so he stood by the doorway, leaning on the wall until Anna acknowledged him.

“I fucked up big time, didn’t I?” she asked, her eyes red. 

Kristoff sighed. “Yep.”

“How do I make things right?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is Elsa okay?”

Kristoff tried not to sneer, of course Elsa wasn’t! But this was Anna- and despite the things she said, he loved her more than anyone or thing else, and would die for her in a heartbeat. “Depends on your standards of okay,” he sighed tensely. “If by okay, you mean she hasn’t killed herself yet, then yes. But-”

“ _Yet!?”_ Anna gasped.

Kristoff meant for his words to hurt; he needed for Anna to understand how much it hurt Elsa that her own sister didn’t support her in one of the biggest parts of her life, and he knew that Elsa was much more hurt than she let on.

Anna’s eyes widened, “what have I done?” she muttered.

“But,” Kristoff said. “She’s been crying all morning and is more pathetic than… than _spiders!”_ He blurted.

Anna quirked a brow, “spiders could kill you, remember.”

_So could Elsa._

Kristoff groaned and mentally facepalmed. “Look, Anna, I couldn’t think of anything. But seriously, your sister is _the strongest_ person I know. She’s been through so much, and she- she’s so resilient. But imagine that when I went to her house to check on her, she was so shaky she could barely stand and- the point is, I haven’t seen her so scared and hopeless since I first met you guys. She’s really broken, and I just- you need to do something.”

“I know,” Anna sighed. “But she really doesn’t think that I love her anymore?”

Kristoff bit his lip. “I know firsthand what homophobia can do to someone. It deflates their self worth. Look, this is a part of someone that they can’t change, and so, therefore- just, Anna- she’s terrified. She, you were the first person she came out to. It’s terrifying to have a bad experience as the first, and it can be paralyzing to try to come out to someone else again.”

He looked right at Anna. “Right now, Anna, Elsa is scared that you are going to be as bad as her dad. She doesn’t really have much moral support other than you and me. So, no, she doesn’t think that you love her anymore. She’s terrified that you don’t.”

Anna looked stricken with fear. “What have I done?”

“Something that needs to be fixed.” 

Anna’s head shot up. “Is this why you didn’t tell me sooner?”

“Tell you what?”

“That you’re,” Anna breathed. “Pansexual.”

Kristoff narrowed his eyes. “See, that. You can’t say it like that!” He closed his eyes. “You can’t say it like it’s a curse or something to summon a devil. And to answer your question- yes and no. Like Elsa, the first person I came out to wasn’t supportive,” he watched Anna draw a sharp breath at that, “and it really killed me inside for a few years. I was terrified of the same reaction, so I couldn’t come out again until- until the sting of his words passed. So, yes, I was terrified of the reaction, and no- because I also, genuinely the first time I came out, I wasn’t ready. So I needed to be sure. And yeah, I’m glad I didn’t. Because I love you, Anna, and I’m scared that if I had come out sooner, this would have happened and the rest of _‘us’_ wouldn’t exist.”

“I really need to fix this soon, don’t I.”

“Yeah, you do, if by soon, you mean _now.”_

Anna nodded. “I do love her, Kristoff. I can’t lose her now, not after we’ve fought so hard to find each other. I guess now, it’s my turn to go and do the next right thing.”

“Yeah, it is. And I’ll be here waiting for you. But only if you come back and my _fucking_ best friend is okay again.”

Anna nodded, then turned towards the door and left. 

Kristoff slammed his fist on the table, then buried his face in his palms and cried. He cried for Elsa, he cried for himself. He cried for everyone who had ever been faced with homophobia, and for the ones who lost the battles to themselves because of it. 

_Life isn’t fair,_ Ana thought, as she jogged towards Elsa’s house. _It’s not fair that because of my stupid dad, that I have to think this and believe this and ruin the life of the most important person…_ she sighed, but it had happened, hadn’t it? She couldn’t change the past, she had to make the future better. And she would try, so hard, to make things right again. Because losing Elsa for something so stupid-

No. It’s _not stupid._ Elsa had every right and every reason to be upset, because this is something so _important to her_ … Anna didn’t understand, but she didn’t have an insiders perspective, so she _couldn't understand_ . Not in the way that Maren and Kristoff could, at least. She just had to try to put herself into Elsa’s metaphorical shoes, and _try_ to fix everything _Anna’s_ stupid actions may have broken. 

She knew that deep down it’s her father speaking, not herself. She just had to get rid of his voice saying things, saying stuff like, “homosexuality is bad,” “why can’t Elsa be more like you,” and other nonsensical things. She and Elsa _were different,_ and that was okay. Anna sighed, and found herself in front of Elsa’s door.

Her heart pounded as she reached up. 

Five knocks, and Elsa would know that it was her.

Five knocks. She could do it. 

She sighed, and knocked on the door. She waited, and after about half a minute, there was no response, so she spoke. “Elsa,” she said, her heart pounding so loudly in her ears that she could barely hear herself. “It’s me, Anna. Though I know you know that already. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say- I fucked up. I really tru-” she got cut off by the door opening, and there Elsa was, her eyes red and puffy, her hands shaking.

“Anna,” she said curtly. “Come inside,” she looked at the floor. “And Maren,” she turned away, “would you mind waiting outside?” 

A woman walked past Elsa, and went outside just when Anna was coming inside. 

“That’s Maren?” Anna asked, as soon as Elsa closed the door. 

“Yes,” Elsa said bluntly. 

“Okay.”

“And she’s a really nice person and a great friend too.”

“Okay,” Anna looked at the floor. Her heart skipped a beat.

“Elsa, I- I made the world's stupidest mistake.”

“Maybe not the stupidest,” Elsa muttered. “But you made a stupid mistake.”

“Yeah, I know. I really fucked up.”

“Yeah, you did. But if all you came to talk about was how wrong you were- which I’m not saying you were any less wrong- then maybe you should go.”

“How are you, Elsa?”

“I’ve been better,” Elsa sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Anna gulped. 

“I know you are, but I- I,” she shook her head.

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“Okay,” Anna bit her lip. “I screwed up at being a good sister, you know and I- I just- I don’t want to have to imagine a world without you in it because I fucked up so bad.”

“You did.” 

“I know. And I don’t know what to say! It breaks me seeing you so broken, and so hurt and _knowing_ that it was _me, my fault_ that you- you’re like it… it’s just… But, it’s also- I grew up a lot of my life- since I was around 10- hearing, ‘don’t get caught in the gay shit, Anna,’ and ‘homophobia doesn’t exist, because gay people are mentally ill and it’s not hating if… if,” she sniffed. “I don’t remember. But, the thing is, once you hear something enough, you start to believe it, a little, you know?”

Elsa did. She had spent nearly a decade hearing she was unworthy of love, and it stuck with her. She nodded, “but it doesn’t give you a right to go fuck up other people’s lives.”

Anna knew how upset Elsa was, because she _never_ cursed unless she was extremely upset. 

“You do know how much what you said fucked me up, right, Anna?”

Anna sighed, and nodded. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, and I _know_ that it was really stupid but I… I love you, Elsa, and really, _truly_ all that I was trying to do was protect you.”

“From what, Anna? From myself? From loving _myself?_ From loving who I _love?”_

Anna closed her eyes, and nodded. “I know, Elsa. _I know._ Please, I just-”

“That’s the thing, Anna. You don’t. You don’t know, you don’t understand. Are you straight, Anna?”

Anna nodded. “Elsa, all I’m trying to say, is that I had stupid beliefs. And they made me think stupid things, and say and _do_ stupid things. And that I really love you, and that I didn’t mean them. _Please believe me.”_

“You accused Maren of ‘switching me over,’ Anna!” 

“I know I did, but I was angry and it was stupid, and Elsa, all I want right now is to have you back.” 

“I- I,” Elsa’s voice cracked. “I can’t accept it Anna.

Not yet. I forgive you, yes but I- I,” she sighed. “I can’t accept your apology just like that.”

She whipped around. Anna sat there dumbly, tears rolling down her face, and watched as Elsa scrunched up her nose to try to keep from crying. Anna walked over to Elsa and hugged her, and to her surprise, her sister hugged her back.

“It’ll take time, you know,” Elsa whispered. “Before I can accept your apology fully.”

Anna sighed, “I know.”

“And you do know how much you fucked me up, right?”

“I know.”

“And how much I hurt because of it,” Elsa growled.

“I know. And I want to fix it.” 

“And that’s my decision, ultimately.”

“Well, yeah…”

“I say that we can try. But, Anna…”

“Yeah?” 

“You need to get Father’s voice out of your mind and start listening to _you. Your_ beliefs. Not the false and stupid ones he instilled into you. Okay?”

Anna bit her lip. Gods above, she would try. 

“He told me a lot of things too. He said that I was a monster, and unworthy of love. He said that I was never wanted anywhere and no one would ever want me either. You just have to learn to not pay attention to what he thought and what he said, because it was _wrong._ And if what he did to me didn’t show that then… I don’t know what will. But you have to learn to not pay attention to what he told you. Can you promise me that you will at least try?” Her voice broke, and she started to just break down into sobs. 

Elsa’s whole body shook with ravenous sobs, and Anna stood there a little dumbstruck as Elsa sank to the floor. “I promise you, Elsa,” she said, kneeling down next to her sister. “What do you need?”

“Will you- will y-you go get M-Maren? Please?”

So Anna did, and watched in awe as the girl sat next to Elsa and stroked her hair until she calmed down. Anna could never- not even when they weren’t fighting, have gotten Elsa to calm down like that. Appreciation rose in her throat, and Anna had a sudden thought.

_If Elsa falls for her, all might be okay._ It was a weird prospect to think of, because Anna had always thought of “ _if Elsa falls for him,”_ but she was okay with it. 

“I’m sorry, Elsa,” she whispered again.

Elsa looked up at her, and said, “It’s okay.”

And Anna knew that she meant it.

“But, please, I can’t face you right now. Can you please go?”

Anna swallowed the lump in her throat, nodded, turned around and went to the door. When she reached it, she turned around to Elsa, and said, “Elsa, just know that I will always have your back. Come hell or high water, I will have your back.”

Elsa bristled a little, at the comment- it didn’t seem like that in the morning, but she nodded, and Anna opened the door, and left. 

“I told her I couldn’t fully accept her apology yet,” Elsa said, turning to Maren. “Was that wrong? Should I have tried harder?”

Maren sighed. “It’s really, it’s really up to you and how _you_ feel. If you feel like you should have tried harder, then call her or talk to her tomorrow. If you feel like you need more time, then by all means, take more time. But it’s all up to you.” 

Elsa bit her lip and nodded. 

“But Elsa, the one thing that has become clear today, is that you love Anna more than anything. And you don’t want to lose her. So, think about that while you are deciding what to do next.”

Elsa sighed, and buried her face in her palms. Maren rubbed a circular pattern on her back.

“On Friday,” Maren said. “Snacks and movies at my house? Ryder will be there and you can bring Kristoff and Anna, if you’re ready to.”

Elsa nodded. 

“Is there anything that you need, now?”

“Can you get me some mint tea? I have some in the cabinet. And a blanket from the closet, and- you, will you just sit with me?” she asked. 

Maren grinned, nodded, and walked away. She returned in a few minutes with a blanket, a cup of tea, and sat next to Elsa, with her arm around her shoulder.

_I am found,_ Elsa thought. And she sunk deeper into Maren’s arms and let herself drift off into the feeling of Maren’s safety. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, things get better. 
> 
> Slowly.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After nearly four rewrites- we are back in track!
> 
> Tw: flashbacks (small part of chapter but will be a summary in end notes)

That Wednesday afternoon, Anna found herself at the cemetery where her parents were buried. “Hello father, hello mother,” she muttered, sighing. 

“Have you seen what you’ve done to us?” she glared at the gravestone belonging to her father. “Because of what  _ you  _ said, all the stupid things  _ you said  _ to us. And now…” she turned towards her mother’s grave. “Mother, I am lost. Mother, I am scared, and mother, I don’t know what to do. I’m so grateful for everything we have- especially my family. We’ve all been through a lot. I know how fragile things can be. If I lost them- I- I’d lose me. But, I guess- I’ll take a step, and I’ll step again. It’s all that I can to do the next right thing. That’s what I have to do. I’ll make that choice- I’ll hear that voice, and I’ll do the next right thing.” 

She sighed, and looked up- the world slightly blurry through the tears in her eyes. 

“ _ I  _ made a mistake, I know. But  _ think, father,  _ if you hadn’t said those stupid,  _ stupid  _ things, well- I mean,  _ maybe,”  _ her voice squeaked.  _ “Maybe  _ life wouldn’t be like this right now. I need her- I miss her. Father, she was here and father, now she’s gone, and it’s my fault. It’s  _ our  _ fault. Mother, father, how do I get her back?” Anna sat down on a bench, and lay her face in her palms and let herself cry. It was the first time she’d let herself go since that Sunday, she had wanted to, but had told herself she had no right to. But she did- she’d fucked up and now possibly lost her sister’s trust. Her sister’s love- her sister. Elsa.  _ The next right thing,  _ Anna thought bitterly.  _ What is the next right thing, at this point?  _

_ Talk to her,  _ a little voice in her head said.  _ Talk to her, and be sincere. And apologize. And  _ stop.  _ Stop trying to blame it on your father. And  _ try,  _ try to understand from her point of view.  _

Anna sighed, and stood up. Elsa would be home by then, most likely, so Anna decided to walk over to Elsa’s house to see how she was faring. 

She knocked on the door five times, and it opened pretty quickly. 

“Elsa,” she said, as soon as she saw her sister. 

Her sister sighed. “Come in.”

“Elsa, everything I said was  _ my  _ fault. I know, I  _ know  _ that I said that it was dad’s but-  _ yes, he was  _ the  _ root  _ of my beliefs, but I didn’t have to act like that. Everything I said was unimaginably homophobic, and I know, Elsa, that you thought that I would take it well and that’s why you came out to me. I shouldn’t have acted like that. I should have said that I needed time to think about it, and  _ yes,  _ it would have still hurt you. There was no way for me,  _ at the time,  _ to get out without hurting you. But if I had said I needed time or something, it would have hurt you less. And I hurt Kristoff too. I hurt the two most  _ important people  _ in my life, because I made stupid mistakes. Because I decided to basically tell them that they didn’t have the right to live. That them  _ living  _ was  _ wrong.  _ I fucked up really, really, badly. I need to fix it, and I’m trying really hard to. Please, Elsa, let me in again. Let me become a better sister. I will try as hard as I possibly can to make sure that it won’t happen again. Please. I’m so, so, so, unbelievably sorry. And I need you. I need you in my life, Elsa, because I can’t go on without you. I’m trying, Elsa, I’m trying to do the next right thing. But I need  _ your  _ help. And I need you- I can’t lose you again, Elsa. Please don’t shut me out. I will try. Please, Elsa,” her voice faltered, her shoulders drooping. She looked up at Elsa, whose face was blank. Emotionless. 

“Elsa?”

Elsa looked at her, then pulled her sister into a hug. “I can’t lose you either, Anna.” 

Anna felt herself slip, she felt tears slide down her face. And she sobbed, her head resting on her sister’s chest, listening to her heartbeat. She felt Elsa quiver between her arms, and looked up and her sister was biting her lip, and blinking back tears. 

“Oh… Elsie,” Anna murmured, pulling her sister into a tighter hug. Her sister cried, Anna stroking her hair gently. 

“Will you,” Elsa gasped for a breath. “Will you and Kristoff come with me to Maren’s house for a movie on Friday night?” 

Anna grinned, running her fingers through Elsa’s hair. “Of course.” She wasn’t about to pass on any chance to be with her sister, not after their already-fragile relationship was damaged. 

Elsa sighed, pulling her sister closer to her, tears on her eyelashes making her eyelids heavy. She closed her eyes, the last few tears sliding down her chin. “Thank you.” 

Elsa felt Anna rest her chin on her head. “Elsie, I love you. Know that.”

Elsa swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. Anna held Elsa tight, and Elsa hugged her back. After a long time of Anna just comforting Elsa, who sat there sort of numbly, Elsa found her eyelids heavy and drooping. 

The last thing she felt before her exhaustion took over was Anna kissing her forehead, murmuring “I love you.” 

And then the world slowly melted away. But she was safe. That time, she was in Anna’s arms. She wasn't being hurt. So she let herself let go. 

The Fourth of July had come and gone by Friday, but neither Elsa or Anna were in the mood to really celebrate, so Kristoff barbecued while Anna and Elsa sat outside watching the fireworks. Elsa didn’t love the loud noise, and flinched slightly whenever the fireworks went off, but Anna was there to hold her hand, and that was okay. 

Friday night came eventually, and she met Kristoff and Anna a few blocks away from Maren’s apartment, which she had gotten the address to and sent it to Anna. 

They walked the few blocks to Maren’s house, Anna asking questions about Maren, and Elsa informed them that Ryder would be there as well. They took it very well, Anna especially excited to meet all of Elsa’s new friends. 

During the walk, Elsa saw Kristoff look at her, worried. She smiled slightly at him, and he relaxed. It made her heart swell. People  _ did  _ care enough about her to make sure she was okay. 

Especially after… everything that had happened the past weekend. 

But Anna loves her, she knows, and that is all that matters for them. 

The day before had been going well, she had gotten a space and ice to work on Maui’s sculpture, and the party was in a little over two months. The sculpture itself would take a few hours, so she only rented the space for two days- one for preparation and perfecting her design (which she had been working on) and the next for actually carving. She was feeling good about it, having a while to perfect her design and make it everything that Maui wanted.

They arrived at Maren’s apartment soon, and she buzzed them in after a few rings. They walked up the two flights of stairs, and then they were in the hallway, and Maren rushed down from her doorway to greet them. 

“Hey Els,” she said, grinning. “And Kristoff and Anna. Nice to formally meet you guys,” she reached out to shake their hands, smiling. 

“Ryder!” Maren yelled, and he came rushing down the hallway. 

“Hi Elsa,” he said hurriedly, and turned to Anna, “Anna, right?”

She nodded , and he smiled. “I’m Ryder. Nice to meet you,” and Anna grinned.

“You too.”

He blushed slightly, and only Elsa saw it. She shook her head, and smiled. Ryder turned to Kristoff.

“I’m Ryder, and you are…?” he said, but her knew the answer.

“Kristoff. It’s nice to meet you, Ryder.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Ryder said, his face tinged link. 

“He’s got it bad,” Elsa whispered to Maren.

She leaned over, “You think? He’s been asking this whole week if I thought that Kristoff was coming. When you finally texted me that he was, he saw the text first and was grinning like an idiot for two hours.”

Elsa chuckled. 

Maren clapped her hands, “okay guys, skip the lovey-dovey stuff, please. I have tons of popcorn and stuff inside, so please come in,” she stared at Ryder wall talking, and his face went bright red. 

Maren grinned at her, mischief in her eyes. 

“You’ve been teasing him all week, haven’t you?” Elsa whispered.

“You have met me before, right?” Maren raised one eyebrow. 

“I’ve known you for a few weeks,” Elsa playfully punched her shoulder, and she walked away, her face twisted into a scowl. 

“But I’m glad I met you!” Elsa called after her, not sure if she was actually mad. “I really needed someone I could trust in the way I trust you.”

Maren smirked, “aww, I’m touched.”

“It’s true, though.”

“I know,” Maren smirked, giving Elsa a quick hug. “I trust you, as well.”

“Why does it feel like we’re distant family members who are being reunited and saying ‘I love you’ for the first time in forever?”

“I don’t know, Elsa… unless we’re distant family members who are being reunited and saying ‘I love you’ for the first time in forever?” 

Elsa smiled at Maren, who was giggling by then. Maren started to laugh harder and harder, and Elsa frowned. 

“And Ryder,” Maren gasped. “It’s really funny.” 

Elsa smiled. It was funny, but she couldn’t understand how Maren found everything  _ quite  _ so funny. She nervously giggled. 

“C’mon,” Maren said hoarsely, reaching for Elsa's wrist,and grabbing it. Elsa tensed at the touch, panic flowing through her veins and building up in her throat. 

Elsa stopped dead in her tracks. She stared blankly at Maren, her face coming in and out of focus. Elsa was paralyzed.

“Elsa?” Maren said but her voice was faint, and Elsa couldn’t answer. 

Her mind suddenly went blank, her heart becoming loud and pounding in her ears. Her breath took up all of the sounds around her, she started to feel very anxious and uneasy. She had no idea where she was, just that she  **had to get out.** And she had to  **get out now.** But she was trapped, and couldn't get out. She could see Anna’s face rushing towards her, hear Anna’s voice yelling “Get inside,” and she felt herself stumbling backwards, but she didn't feel herself falling. The next thing she knew was Anna was there, cradling her head and whispering to her but she couldn't focus on Anna’s words. Her head spun.  _ I have to get out… I have to get out… IhavetogetoutIhavetogetout…  _

“No!” she screamed, trying to stand up, but Anna held her down. Her breath was ragged. “Nonono, you don’t understand,” she panicked. “I have to get out.”

“Elsa, you’re having a flashback,” Anna said. Elsa couldn't focus on her words, because all of a sudden her dad was there, fury in his eyes, his hands balling into fists. Elsa shrieked, and tried to pull away, but she couldn't. Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t get away. 

Pain exploded from the back of her head to her eyes. The metallic tang of blood filled her mouth. She tried to roll away, but something blocked her. She sat up quickly, and looked straight into Anna’s eyes.

“Anna? Why are you here? You're not supposed to be here. You have to go.” 

“Elsa, it’s okay. We’re outside of Maren’s apartment. You’re having a flashback. Dad’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“I- what?”

Anna pulled her sister to her chest. Elsa’s heart was beating insanely fast. Her breathing was ragged. 

“You’re having a flashback. It’s okay now. Dad’s gone. Please, Elsa, come back to me.”

“Anna,” Elsa whispered. “We have to get out.”

“No, Elsa. You’re having a flashback. It's okay.”

Elsa didn’t respond, but buried her face in Anna’s shirt. 

“Take a deep breath, Elsa.”

Elsa tried, she sucked in as much air as she could. And she tried again, when that didn't work. And again, and again- until reality came back to her. 

“Anna?” she choked out, sobbing. 

“It’s okay, Elsie. It’s okay,” Anna said, brushing hair out of Elsa’s face.

Elsa nodded. “I’m okay. I’m okay,” she leaned into Anna’s hug and Anna held her while she calmed down.

“Do you want to go?”

“No. Not going to ruin another fun night.”

“Are you sure?”

Elsa nodded. 

“Okay then,” Anna said, helping Elsa get to her feet. 

Elsa stood shakily for a moment, before she regained balance and walked inside with Anna.

No one said anything, which was good- because she was on the verge still. Maren, whose eyes were slightly puffy and red, handed her a bowl of popcorn, and she sat down on Maren’s couch squeezed between Anna, and Maren. 

Anna wrapped her arm around her protectively, and Maren stroked Elsa’s hair. Elsa was on the verge of tears. She felt so…  _ loved.  _ She felt loved in a way she had never felt growing up. She was okay. She was safe. And that was all that mattered for then. 

“I’m sorry, Elsa,” Maren whispered. “I shouldn’t have grabbed your wrist, I don’t know why I did it. I feel like an idiot.”

Elsa swallowed the lump in her throat, and brushed away the tears that had fallen. “It’s okay,” she said, leaning into Anna. “But I don’t want to talk.”

“Okay. I just felt really bad and wanted you to know I was sorry.”

Elsa didn’t respond. Maren sighed and leaned over to her. 

“Hello? Guys?” Ryder said, waving his hands at Elsa and Maren. Maren snapped to attention, and Elsa looked up at him. “What do you think of watching  _ Love, Simon?  _ I haven’t seen it yet, but my friends say that it’s good. Kris and Anna say that it sounds fine.”

_ Kris?  _ Elsa looked at Maren, who seemed to be even more surprised by the comment. 

“Okay, sure,” Maren said, her eyes narrowing at Ryder. Elsa nodded. 

“Sounds good.”

Ryder turned on the movie, and the quintet settled in to watch. 

Ever so often, someone would munch on popcorn, and except for the occasional commentary by Ryder and Maren, of course, they were all intrigued by the show. 

Elsa had to admit, even though it was for teens and tweens, it was really good. The storyline was relatable for her, and she found herself following it intently, and was a little sad when it ended, mostly because it meant that they were leaving Maren’s apartment, but still. 

“Anna?” Elsa said when they were leaving. “I don’t want to be alone tonight,” she admitted quietly. 

“Do you want to stay over?” Anna asked, looking worriedly into Elsa’s eyes.

Elsa nodded. “If that’s alright.”

“It’s totally fine, Elsa! I get it.”

Elsa smiled. Anna didn’t get it. Not fully. But she was the best sister Elsa could ask for, especially earlier. 

“Anna?” She asked quietly. Her heart pounded. “What triggered me?”

Anna sighed. “Maren grabbed your wrist to pull you inside. It was unexpected, obviously.”

“Oh,” Elsa whispered. 

“Do you remember any of what happened? If you want to talk about it,” Anna reached for Elsa’s hand, and Elsa took it. 

“No. Not really.”

Anna nodded. A Lyft ride later, they were at Anna and Kristoff’s house. “You can stay in the guest,” Anna said, unlocking the door and walking inside. 

Anna led her to the guest room. “Here, I think these will fit you,” she said, digging through a closet. She held out a set of pajamas. “Do you want to shower?”

Elsa nodded. Showers helped her destress, and relax. 

“Here’s a towel.”

She walked off into the guest bathroom, and returned about twenty minutes later wearing the pajamas Anna had lent her, and her hair braided in a messy French braid. Anna was still sitting on the bed. 

“I know what you need,” she said, smiling ever-so slightly. “Come on. Mother’s words, cuddle up, scooch close.”

Elsa sat down next to Anna, and Anna pulled her close to her.

“Where the north wind,” she began to sing, brushing her pinkie along Elsa’s nose. “Meets the sea.”

Elsa sang along, “There’s a river, full of memory- doyouknowwhatyou’redoing?”

Anna shook her head, smiling, and continued to brush her finger along Elsa’s nose. 

“Sleep my darling, safe and sound- for in this river…” Elsa began to doze off, Anna’s arm wrapped tightly around her. 

_ All is found.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Anna visits the graveyard where her parents are, and tells both of them how upset and scared she is about losing Elsa, and realizes that she needs to talk to Elsa again. So she goes, and Elsa forgives Anna, and invites her and Kristoff the movie on Friday night. They all go. When they get there, Maren pokes fun of Ryder about his crush on Kristoff, though not explicitly. (Kristoff doesn’t know) then Maren and Elsa chat outside for a second, and they head to go in when Maren grabs Elsa’s wrist, triggering a flashback. Anna comforts her, and they go inside to watch the movie. Maren tells Elsa she feels bad for grabbing her wrist. They watch Love, Simon, and then leave. Elsa stays at Anna’s house for the night. Elsa falls asleep to Anna singing ‘All is Found.’
> 
> When Anna is talking to her parents, I used a lot of song lyrics from I Seek The Truth (outtake from Frozen 2) Home (another outtake) and The Next Right Thing, if you were wondering. 
> 
> stay safe!


	11. 11

Anna woke the next morning, still curled protectively around Elsa. Overnight, Elsa’s hand had found its way into hers, and her palm was resting on Anna’s, her fingers loosely curled around the back of Anna’s hand. Anna smiled, and careful to not disturb her, she gently uncurled her fingers and slid off the bed. Elsa immediately rolled over, but she was still sound asleep. 

Anna walked to the kitchen, where Kristoff was sitting on a barstool. 

“Hi honey,” he murmured, a cup of black coffee in front of him. Anna could never understand why he liked it that way. 

“Hey,” she said, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

“How’s Elsa?” he asked, while Anna pulled out eggs and sugar.

“Asleep,” she said, jumping onto the countertop and looking through the cabinets. “Have you seen the cocoa powder?” she asked, and turned to Kristoff, sliding down from the countertop. 

“No. What are you making?”

“Double-chocolate pancakes, Elsa’s favorite.”

“Did you check the other cabinet?”

“No,” Anna walked over to the cabinet and opened the door, and after some digging found the cocoa powder and chocolate chips. “Thanks, honey.”

Kristoff smiled.

Anna pooled some batter on to the griddle, humming.

The tune. She’d heard it before. Or sung it before. Either way, it was something not from the depths of her imagination. What was it?

_ Oh.  _ It was a song that she and Hans would sing, for the first two years of their relationship where he was a good person. Well, a better person. At least when she _thought_ he was a good person.

_ Love is an open do-oo-or…  _ Anna shook her head. She was doing amazingly well. She couldn’t go back down that road. Especially not then. Not when Elsa needed her to be the big sister. Not when Elsa wouldn’t be there to hold her hand and tell her she was beautiful no matter what when she came off of it. Not when Elsa needed Anna to hold  _ her  _ hand, because she was coming off a long, twisty road with many forks and wrong turns. Anna shook her head. She couldn’t. Not then. Not when her life was going good. 

Anna was getting the first pancakes off the griddle when Elsa came down the hall, her feet dragging groggily. 

“Elsa!” Anna grinned. “I made pancakes. Double-chocolate!”

Elsa’s face lit up. “Thank you!”

Anna handed Elsa a plate and a cup of coffee, and then sat down next to her with her own plate. 

“They’re good, Anna,” Elsa said after practically inhaling the pancakes.

“I’d think so,” Anna laughed, but looked at her sister’s face, which had fallen. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m supposed to be the big sister,” Elsa said glumly. “And yet every time I have a panic attack I run to you. And here you are, making me breakfast the night after I got scared and climbed into your bed.”

“Hey Snowflake,” Anna said sadly, reaching out to hold her sister’s hand. Elsa took it, and Anna squeezed it tight. “Don’t think like that. You  _ are  _ the big sister, and you’re the best big sister out there. You have PTSD, Elsa. I’m here to help you, as much as I can. But recovery isn’t easy, Elsie. It takes time. And sometimes little sisters have to be the big sisters when their big sisters can’t. Because everyone struggles, and sometimes even the biggest of sisters need to be the little sisters for a bit.”

Elsa nodded, and lay her head on Anna’s shoulder. “Thanks for the pancakes.” 

“It’s not a problem,” Anna smiled, rubbing Elsa’s thumb between her fingers. 

Elsa looked at the floor. “I don’t deserve PTSD.”

“No one does.”

Anna looked at Elsa’s face. Her eyes had lost their spark, and her face had lost its happy glow. “That’s not what you meant, is it?”

Elsa shook her head. 

“Elsa, war veterans aren’t the only people who get it. They do get it, they’ve been through so much trauma. But, Elsa, you’ve been through a hell of a childhood. No, Elsa, no one  _ deserves  _ PTSD. But you’ve been through trauma, and yes- you have it and you can’t change that. But you will get better.” 

“But when? It’s been five years. I’ve never had a sip of alcohol. I’ve never been to a bar, Anna. There’s so much I haven’t done. I haven’t truly  _ lived,  _ because of fear. And I’m done with it,” Elsa muttered bitterly.

“I know Els. I would give anything for it to be me, instead of you-”

“That’s not what you want. It’s not what  _ anyone  _ wants,” Elsa cut her off, slightly distressed. 

Anna sighed. “I know. But we can’t change the past. We can work towards making a better future.”

Elsa nodded, and got up and put her plate in the sink. “Thanks for everything,” she said, turning and walking down the hallway. 

“You’re my sister. It’s in my blood, I can’t refuse helping you.”

Elsa smiled, and disappeared into the guest bedroom. 

Anna sighed. “She seemed okay, right?” She bit her lip. She hated seeing Elsa so terrified and out of control, like she had the previous night. 

“She seemed a little distressed,” Kristoff admitted. “But better,” he added hastily.

“Yeah,” Anna sighed, rubbing her temples. 

“She’ll be okay,” Kristoff assured her. Anna nodded, her eyes closed. 

Anna got up and walked to the guest bedroom and knocked on the door. “Elsa? Are you staying here all day?” 

“No,” the answer came, muffled from behind the door. “I’m seeing Hailey at 3:30.”

“Okay,” Anna said, leaning on the doorway. “That’s good.”

“I know,” Elsa said, opening the door. She was wearing the clothes Anna had set out the night before, a white undershirt underneath one of Kristoff’s flannel shirts that was slightly too small for him, and jeans that were too long for Anna, but they fit Elsa perfectly. Elsa wore the shirt with a few buttons undone. Elsa frowned, looking down at the shirt. “It’s July. I’m not sure why you gave me a flannel shirt.”

Anna laughed. “The undershirt was too see-through to wear by itself, and the flannel was the only shirt in this house that would fit you. Mine would all be too short.”

“Well, thank you for that,” Elsa smiled slightly, her eyes lit up with a hint of bliss. Elsa pulled her hair back into a low ponytail, a few strands falling into her eyes. “Anna. Thank you,” she said, shoving her hands into her pockets. “For letting me be here. It’s the first time after- after a flashback, that I’ve slept without nightmares. I even woke up happy!” She grinned so wide at that, and it made Anna’s heart swell with joy. She wanted her sister to be happy, even if it was temporary. Elsa struggled with finding happiness, and she had for so long. In the times she was happy, Anna wanted her to be enjoying her life to the best she could.

“I’m glad,” Anna said enthusiastically. “And, thank  _ you,  _ Elsa for being my sister. I love you.”

Elsa’s grin spread over her whole face, the corners of her eyes turned up. Anna grinned at her sister’s happy face, and pulled her into a hug. Anna pulled her down, and Elsa’s face was pressed into Anna’s collarbone. It was an awkward position considering Elsa was a few inches taller. 

Elsa smelled like detergent, and wearing Kristoff’s shirt, she smelled a bit like him, but she also smelled like something more- something so significantly  _ Elsa.  _ Like saltwater and fresh snow. And something else too. An oddly familiar scent- roses, and bergamot. 

“Elsa?” Anna said, pulling away from the hug. “What soap did you use when you showered?”

Elsa blushed slightly, furrowing her brows. “Um, why?” 

“Did you use the Bergamot Rose soap?” Anna gasped.

“Yeah… I think. That’s an odd question, Anna. I used whatever soap there was in the bathroom. It was in the medicine cabinet, I think. There wasn’t any soap in the shower.”

Anna groaned, face palming. “You used the special soap Kristoff gave me!” she whined, semi-joking, but also serious. It had been expensive, and she  _ had  _ been saving it for... when the time was right. When that was- she wasn’t sure, but still.

Elsa narrowed her eyes. “How was I supposed to know that?” she groaned.

“Uh- yeah, despite the fact that it said ‘For Anna, I love You’ on it?”

“Yeah- and why would I be looking at the label? I needed soap, there was soap, problem solved.”

“You’ll pay for that!” Anna laughed, playfully lunging for her sister.

Elsa backed off, her smile gone and froze.

“Oh, shit. Sorry Els,” Anna panicked. “I forgot. I’m sorry.”

Elsa shook her head. “No. No, it’s okay. I need to learn to not freeze up when someone makes an unexpected move towards me or near me.”

Anna opened her arms, and Elsa melted into her hug. She pulled away soon after, and Anna found her with an alarmingly mischievous expression on her face. It was an expression that Anna barely saw on her face. 

“What are you up to…?” she asked cautiously. 

“You said I’d have to pay for it…” she said, smirking.

“Yes… and?”

“Well, you’ll have to catch me before that happens!” Elsa shrieked, running towards the back door. 

“What are you, five?” Anna yelled after her, grinning.  _ Shoes.  _ She thought.  _ Where are my shoes?  _

Elsa looked back at her, a mischievous grin still on her face. She got to the back and fumbled with the lock for a second before bursting through the door. 

Anna ran to the front door, slipped on her shoes as fast as she could, and ran towards the back door. She got there, and through the glass, she saw Elsa standing a few yards away. Anna quickly opened the door, and ran through. 

Elsa yelped seeing her, and laughed. “What are you, three hundred?” she yelled. “You took  _ forever.  _ I was waiting.”

“Oh, you  _ bastard,”  _ Anna grinned, taking off after her sister. “You’ll pay! For everything!”

Elsa ran to the far end of the backyard, looking back ever so often to see where Anna was. When Anna was a few feet away, she took off running in the opposite direction. 

Anna raised an eyebrow. “Seriously!?”

Anna began to close in on Elsa, who had slowed down a little. She was a few yards away, and was slowly closing the distance. Elsa stumbled over her own feet, and squealed as she slowly fell. She hit the ground and rolled over, and tried to get back to her feet, she lost a lot of her lead on Anna. She was nearly back up when Anna reached her and tapped her on her shoulder.

“Gotcha!” Anna whooped. 

Elsa looked at her, pouting, but she couldn’t keep a grin off her face for too long. Elsa pulled her sister into a hug.

“I love you, Ketchup,” she said, grinning. The mischief had never left her eyes. 

“Ketchup?  _ Ketchup!?”  _ Anna shrieked, playfully swatting Elsa. Elsa doubled over in laughter.

“Your hair,” Elsa wheezed through laughs.

“Then what are you,  _ mustard?” _

“No. My hair is too light,” Elsa trailed off into thought. “I’m Pasta,” she said decidedly. 

“Ew, that’s disgusting,” Anna said, enjoying the quizzical look Elsa gave her. “Who the hell puts ketchup and pasta together?” Anna facepalmed. “No, not together. Ew,” she shook her head, waving her hand between herself and her sister. “That would be gross.”

Elsa giggled, confusion laced across her face, and then she gagged when she realized what Anna was implying. “Yeah, I’ll pass. And you have Kristoff. Why do you  _ think  _ like that?!”

Anna smiled. “Thirty-five dollars.”

“Excuse me?”

“The soap. It was thirty-five dollars that you now owe Kristoff. And me.”

“I didn’t even use it all! I barely even used it,” Elsa frowned. “And why would he  _ ever  _ pay thirty-five dollars for  _ soap!?”  _

“It was fancy. And customized. For  _ me.”  _

“One dollar.”

“No.”

“Yes,” Elsa stared at Anna, challenging her to a staring contest. But Elsa always won, so Anna sighed. 

“Fine.”

Elsa put a hand into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled dollar. Anna took it, and then looked at Elsa’s pocket and the dollar again.

“Wait a minute…” and then Elsa took off running again. 

“Elsa! Was that dollar in there the whole time? Did you seriously just pay me with my own stolen money?” Elsa paused, turning to Anna, and shrugged.

“I swear, Elsa! You are the worst!” Anna ran after her sister, pausing when she saw Elsa doubled over and panting. “Elsa…?”

Elsa suddenly shot up and took off running again. Anna shot after her.

Anna became fixated on how happy her sister looked. Her face was lit up in a way Anna hadn’t seen for a really long time, her eyes shimmering with joy, instead of tears. And she was laughing, for once out of just  _ happiness,  _ and not through her cries. “Elsa, wait, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Elsa gasped slightly. “Just a little out of breath.”

“Oh, okay. You’re sure?” Anna said, slowing down to a jog. 

“Yep,” she shot a grin back to her sister. “Now come on, you slowpoke!” she yelled and ran over to Anna, and pulled her along. Anna tripped, bringing the two of them to the ground. Elsa lay on her back, looking at the sky.

“Anna, look,” she said and pointed at a cloud. “It looks like a sheep!”

Anna rolled her eyes. “Elsa, you’re a goof. Now I’m going inside, and  _ you  _ can come if you want to.” 

Elsa huffed, rolling over and getting to her feet. She checked the time, it was 2:45. “Oh! How did it get so late? I have to leave in 15 minutes.”

“You know what they say,” Anna grinned. “Time flies when you’re having fun!”

Elsa rolled her eyes and followed her sister into her house. Kristoff sat on the couch flipping through channels on the television. “You guys are ridiculous,” he interjected. 

“Did we ask,” Anna commented dryly, but smiled. She walked over to the couch, and Elsa followed her, a little awkwardly. Anna sat down, curling up next to her fiance, and Elsa sat on the edge of the couch, resting her head on the armrest. Anna motioned for her to curl up closer, and she did, resting her chin on her sister’s shoulder. Anna played with the tips of her ponytail. 

_ Even these small things  _ _ remind me that I have what I wish, that I'm not completely alone anymore.  _

Anna wrapped her arms around Elsa, and pulled her closer to her. 

_ They’re my family. My life.  _

_ My home.  _

Elsa had things in her life, burning questions, and built up fears, but for then, that didn’t matter. She was safe. She was home.  _ No _ , she frowned slightly.  _ Not home yet. I’m finding it. Someday, I will come home. But not yet.  _

Elsa stood up and stretched. “I have to go now.”

Anna jumped up. “You can get there by yourself?” she checked. 

“I’m not five.”

“Really? Your behavior earlier today would say otherwise,” Anna poked fun at her. “Go, wouldn’t want you being late.” 

“I love you,” Elsa said.

“I love you too,” Anna said, and then Elsa left, and Anna shut the door behind her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	12. 12

Most of the time, Elsa’s job as an ice sculptor was simple, and professional. She made the sculpture, dropped it off at the party, exchanged curt words with whoever bought it, and left. 

Maui’s party was different.  _ Maui  _ was different. Most of the people she created sculptures for were snobs who wanted elaborate designs and couldn’t care less about who carved it, as long as they got what they paid for. And for them, what they paid for was barely a cent out of their pockets. And then, there was Maui. He was one of the nicest people Elsa had ever met, right from the get go. He helped Elsa get the sculpture settled, and once he did, gave her a huge hug and told her just how much the sculpture and what she did meant to him. His friend, Moana, arrived soon, and Elsa unveiled the sculpture and it brought tears to both of their eyes. 

“Thank you so much,” Moana whispered as she hugged Elsa. 

Elsa grinned, “it’s no problem, I love doing it.”

It was true, Elsa’s job was less of a job and more of a hobby. She enjoyed it wholeheartedly, and she loved seeing the looks on the people’s faces when they saw whatever Elsa had made for the first time. They were so often overjoyed, their eyes lit up with happiness. Well, most of the time. 

One time she had created a few sculptures for a very well known and  _ very  _ rich family, the Weseltons. The father, Doctor Duke Weselton, was an award winning plastic surgeon, and the mother, Mrs. Kathleen Weselton, was a very famous makeup artist. They were throwing their son a coming-of-age party, and they were  _ incredibly  _ obnoxious. Elsa had her fair share of rich obnoxiousity growing up, but she hadn’t imagined- 

Dr. Weselton welcomed Elsa with a sneer, and offered no help with getting the seven sculptures she had created set up in their massive  _ private  _ courtyard Elsa had help, of course, with getting them in, but most people at least offered to help, even when she didn’t need it. And then, once they were set up, Mrs. Weselton and Dr. Weselton spent the next five minutes scrutinizing and complaining about every small detail on each of her sculptures. 

Yet, they were some of her most exquisite and beautiful works yet. They had taken painstakingly long, and with obsessively intricate designs, Elsa was very proud of them. So she pretended to not let their harsh, critiquing words get to her. She stood proud, even when they sent her on her way, the Doctor saying like she didn’t exist, “oh, Kathleen, I knew we should have gone for the more expensive place, their sculptures wouldn't have turned out half as trashy,” and even when his wife huffed, replying with, “well, unfortunately it’s too late to turn back now,” and they ushered her quickly out the door. Elsa wouldn't ever forget the fake smiles and pained “thank you”s they gave her as they practically shoved her out of their courtyard. 

Growing up, her family had been rich. They had been snobby, obnoxious, had an aura of “i’m better than you,” wherever they went, and yet, not in her wildest dreams would Elsa have imagined the way the Weseltons treated her. She felt bad for their son, who had to grow up under their scrutinizing, obnoxious watch. 

Elsa showed Anna pictures of the work she had made them, and Anna gasped, which showed Elsa that she had actually done a good job with it. 

Nevertheless, that night she went home and cried to her cats, because of their words she had held under her skin, the tears that she had blinked back for half of the day. 

Maui had an aura of “I’m more accomplished than you,” but he was fun and welcoming, and Elsa knew how much her work meant to him. Maui even invited her to stay for the party for as long as she wanted to, and Elsa gladly accepted the offer. So, that’s where she was now, eating cheese cubes off of little toothpicks, surrounded by strangers, which made her heart speed up a little. But she didn't want to come off as rude, so she stayed. And it was nice, because both Maui and Moana made sure to seek her out once in a while and see how she was doing. She got to know them, and she learned that Moana was in a happy long-term relationship with another girl who was to be coming to New York very soon, and that Moana was planning to propose and that Maui was not being very helpful with that. Elsa laughed and congratulated her. Elsa would have told Moana that she was gay also, but it was still too much of a touchy, vulnerable subject, so she held off. But she made new… aqquantances, friends, whatevers, and she got both Maui and Moana’s numbers so that they could stay in touch, as friends. 

It was really nice, and Elsa knew Anna would be proud of her. Actually, speaking of Anna, she needed to talk to Anna, because she was starting to feel like she could count on Maren as a good friend, after knowing her for a little over two months, and she wast sure if that was okay or not. She was also scared, because true, good,  _ best  _ friends were something she hadn’t had for over ten years. 

Elsa’s phone buzzed in her pocket, and she stepped outside to take the call once she saw it was Maren’s name that popped up.

“Elsa!’ Maren yelled into Elsa’s ear as soon as she picked up, and Elsa moved the phone away from her head. “Elsa you, I need, you come please,” Maren breathed heavily, and Elsa could hear the sobs she was holding back. “ElsaIneedtotalktoyourightnow,” Maren said hastily.

“Maren, slow down. I can’t understand you.”

Maren sobbed into the phone and then took a shuddering breath. “I need to talk to you right now because nothing is okay and everything is bad and I’m drunk.”

“Maren, where are you? I’m coming.”

“Bar,” Maren took another shaky breath. 

“What bar?”

Maren sobbed again, but managed to choke out the name of the bar and the address. “Elsa come quickly. I need to talk right now because nothing is good and everything is bad.” 

Elsa swallowed the nerves in her throat. “I’m coming. Maren, just stay where you are.”

Elsa rushed back inside the party to find Maui and tell him that she was leaving and thanks for letting her stay. It wasn’t hard to spot him out of the crowd, and Elsa, panicky, waved him over.

“Thanks for letting me stay, I really appreciate it. But I have to go now.”

“Okay, it was lovely meeting you! Text me when you can!”

Elsa tried to smile, but her fear for whatever happened to Maren weighed like a stone on her chest. “Tell Moana that I’m leaving for me, please. And tell her that I’m so happy for her!’ Elsa rushed out, before Maui even got to finish saying goodbye. 

Elsa was at the bar where Maren was in fifteen minutes, and she jumped out of the pickup she had rented to transport the sculpture as soon as she saw her friend, sitting on the curb, sobbing. “Maren!” she yelled, half relieved, and half completely terrified.

“Elsa!” Maren sobbed, standing up and collapsing into Elsa’s arms. Elsa ran her fingers through Maren’s hair, the way Maren did to her, except Maren’s hair was braided, so it didn’t really work. 

“I’m here,” Elsa said, nauseated with terror. “Whatever happened, you're okay now. Let’s get in my pickup, and we’ll go to your house and talk there,” she pulled a tissue out of her pocket and handed it to Maren, whose face was covered in runny snot and tears. Maren nodded, getting into the passenger’s seat. 

“Elsa?” she asked shakily, slumping into the seat. “I’m not ready to talk about what happened, because I’m still sorting it out. But I have a completely unrelated question.”

“Mhm,” Elsa said, her eyes focused on the road. 

“What is or what was Arendelle Consulting?”

Elsa let out a sharp breath and tightened her grip on the steering wheel. Maren saw her knuckles go white and grimaced, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer. 

‘It’s nothing,” Elsa said, her voice low. 

“Okay,” Maren recoiled. “I’m sorry I pushed you.”

Elsa stayed silent, her knuckles still white on the steering wheel and her eyes focused with hawk-like perfection on the road. 

It wasn’t like she didnt want Maren to know about the part of her life that was Arendelle, but she wasn't sure if  _ she  _ was ready to tell Maren. But Maren deserved to know. Elsa sighed. 

‘It’s not nothing,” she said. 

“I assumed so, from your reaction.”

“It’s something that I don’t think I should tell you right now unless you want to get in a car crash.”

“That I don’t want,” Maren tried to smile, but the weight of the alcohol and the day’s events made it hard. 

“We’re here,” Elsa said. Maren looked up, nauseous and dizzy, and saw Elsa’s face. She had noticed that when very upset, Elsa tended to show no emotion on her face. But Elsa’s face was twisted with so much fear and anger, that Maren wondered just what memories her bringing up Arendelle Consulting brought up. Elsa got herself out, and walked over to Maren’s side and lent her a hand in getting out. 

Maren hopped out, and walked up the stairs to her apartment, Elsa trailing her like an angry ghost. 

They entered, and Maren plopped heavily down on her couch, and Elsa sank into it next to her, sighing. Maren felt tears clog her throat again, and she knew that it wasn’t good to keep them bottled up, so she let out a strangled sob. Elsa seemed to remember that Maren was there, because the hardness of her face softened, and the anger in her brows melted away. She pulled Maren to her chest, and stroked the top of her head gently. 

She didn't push on what happened, just let Maren cry until she was out of tears, and out of breath. Maren finally sat up, and Elsa looked at her, concern lacing her eyes- and words on her lips. 

Those lips, the beautiful lips, soft, and-  _ Maren, stop it.  _ She shook her head. “I guess I should tell you what happened,” she laughed, slightly nervously, and it came out a choppy chuckle. 

“No,” Elsa said, her voice thick with concern. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

“But I should,” Maren said, sighing and closing her eyes. “I decided going to the bar in the middle of the day was a good idea, because, well,  _ fuck,  _ why not?” she opened one eye, and saw Elsa wince at the curse. “Sorry about that,” Maren said, and Elsa shook her head, but didn’t say anything. 

_ Maren was bored- insanely, thoroughly, bored. And she was tired, and stressed, for no good reason but the fact that it was Sunday and she had a sinking feeling that there was something important she had missed, due the next day. And her rent was coming up, and everything was slightly downhill and stressful. She rubbed her eyes and tried to focus on the computer laying in front of her, and her textbook, as she was studying for a test in about a month. But she was done with it, bored, stressed, and Elsa was at a party somewhere, Ryder was off doing whatever he did, and Maren didn’t really feel like talking to her friends from med school.  _

“Anyways, at some point I went to the bar,” Maren said, and Elsa bit her lip from confusion in trying to understand where this story was going. “And things were going fine, I guess?”

“Despite the fact that you were so bored you went to the bar in the middle of the day?”

_ Maren entered the surprisingly busy bar, considering that it was only a little past noon. She ordered a beer, though normally she would order something stronger, she wasn’t sure hard liquor was the best thing in the middle of the day. She sat on a stool, and slowly spun herself to the side, and back, miserably sipping her beer.  _ What better to do, read my textbook?  _ She thought, bitterly. The beer left a tang at the back of her throat.  _

_ Then, she walked in.  _

_ Maren’s head snapped up.  _ Maya?  _ Maren’s eyes narrowed.  _ Is she fucking kidding me?  _ Rage boiled in the pit of her stomach. Maya walked in, with another fucking girlfriend, Maren could tell by the way they held hands and the way they looked at each other. Love, fucking _ **_love_ ** _ in their eyes.  _

_ “Maren,” she acknowledged coldly, a hint of sourness in her voice, when she walked up to the bar.  _

_ “Fancy seeing you here,” Maren muttered.  _

_ “Hm, yeah, long time no see. How long has it been? Three, four years?” _

_ Four years, one month and thirteen days, Maren knew, but she didn’t say. “Something about that,” she replied instead, taking a sip of her beer and watched as Maya’s order came through. A frozen martini or daiquiri or something. Maren really couldn't care less.  _

_ Maya turned to the girl that Maren presumed was her girlfriend. “Sorry, love, but do you mind waiting for me at the table over there or wherever? I have something to do,” she said, and Maren heard the cold, hard resentment in the last sentence.  _ Sorry, love. 

_ “Excuse me for a moment,” Maren said to Maya, politely, and turned and ordered a second beer.  _ Might as well not remember this tomorrow.  _ “So, another girlfriend.” _

_ “Yeah,” Maya fiddled with something on her hand, and Maren looked and saw a ring.  _

_ “Fiancee?” she asked. _

_ “Wife,” Maya replied, emotionless.  _

_ Maren couldn’t help but sneer. “What, so you left me because you decided you were straight and then got back together with another girl practically the same day?”  _

_ “Not the  _ same  _ day,” Maya muttered, and then she turned to Maren. Maren was taken aback by the sorrow she saw in her ex’s eyes. “I made some mistakes.” _

_ “Yeah, you did,” Maren muttered under her breath. She looked up and Maya cringed.  _

_ “I was…” she hesitated. “Cheating on you. With Adelaide,” she pointed to her girlfriend.  _ Wife,  _ Maren corrected herself.  _

_ “Oh that’s  _ so much  _ better to know,” Maren sneered. “So you were cheating on me, then you broke up with me by telling me you were actually straight just so you could be with  _ her,” her voice seeped with anger. 

_ ‘No, it’s not… it’s not like that. I did love you. For the first two years, I really did. But my parents- they thought you were going to be unfaithful,” Maya cringed. “And I-” _

_ “Really? It’s  _ not  _ like that?” Maren cut her off. “Because  _ your  _ parents thought  _ I  _ was going to be unfaithful, it was  _ okay for you  _ to cheat on me?” she blinked back tears.  _

_ “Wait, please. I know it sounds bad, but please let me explain,” Maya pleaded. Maren rolled her eyes. “My parents thought because you were- are, I guess, bisexual, that you were going to cheat on me.” _

Like that’s so much better.  _ Maren buried her face in her surprisingly steady palms. “Why is that such a common stereotype,” she muttered through gritted teeth.  _

“It is?” Elsa asked, her eyes wide with confusion, and Maren could tell she was fighting against the urge to narrow her eyes in anger. Maren nodded.

“It’s stupid, isn’t it.”

“Yeah,” Elsa muttered, and Maren could hear the disgust in her voice. 

_ “I tried to tell them that it wasn’t true,” Maya muttered, and Maren opened one eye and stared at her from between her fingers. “Yeah, but I was naive anyway, and stupid, and so there was a part of me that kinda agreed.” _

_ “You know, I was much happier believing that you realized you were actually straight and walked out on me after three years,” Maren spat.  _

_ “Well maybe you deserve to hear the full truth without interrupting me!” Maya screamed in her face, drawing attention from nearby people. She straightened back up. “And by then, I had already met Addie, and I was madly in love with her, but also terrified of what could happen.” _

_ “You should have been,” Maren straightened up in her seat, finishing the last of her beer. She turned over to get another, and almost stopped herself, but her anger was bubbling through her veins. _

_ “Let me buy it for her,” Maya said, reaching out to put her hand on Maren’s shoulder, and Maren stiffened, but accepted the offer.  _

_ “Thanks,” she muttered without any real thanks behind it.  _

_ “And then I got…  _ involved,  _ with Addie,” Maya grimaced. “And we were young, and in love, and I was being stupid thinking I could lead out a double life. Eventually she found out about me and you, and told me that if I wanted to keep her, I had to break up with you. And I did, I loved her, and I’m really sorry to admit, but I didn't really love you…” she trailed off.  _

_ “Well, thanks for explaining that,” Maren said resentfully, and got up to leave. _

_ ‘Wait!” Maya shook her head. “And so I broke up with you, and then I told my parents.” _

_ “What, that  _ you  _ were the one cheating?” _

_ “No. I should have. I shouldn’t have made those stupid mistakes. But I did, okay? And I’m sorry. I told my parents we had broken up and that I found someone new,” Maya grimaced. “And look, I’m really sorry. But there was another reason they didn’t want me with you.” _

_ Maren watched as Maya sat down, her light brown hair falling to her shoulders. Once, that would have made Maren dizzy with love, and now, all it made her want to do was sneer.  _

_ “And it was really fucked up too. The thing is, I just want you to know that I don’t- I don’t agree with it.” _

_ Maren rolled her eyes. “What is it,” she sneered. _

_ “They didn’t want us together because you weren’t white. Something about they don’t want their  _ standards _ dropping even more, or something. And that if I  _ had to  _ marry a girl, could they at least be white?”  _

__

_ Maren stood up abruptly, and the chair she was sitting on squeaked in protest. “Thanks for the beer,” she said, downing the last of it, and she slammed the empty bottle on the counter and stormed out.  _

_ Her angry, tough persona broke outside the, and she crumpled to the floor, tears of anger, resentment, sadness and every other negative emotion poured out of her until Elsa arrived.  _

Elsa took deep breaths to keep from punching the wall of Maren’s apartment or do something worse. “Well, that’s fucked up,” she managed to strain out through gritted teeth. 

Maren nodded, too choked up with anger to say anything. She just pulled Elsa back into a hug and took steady, deep breaths until the knot of anger in her stomach slowly ebbed away. 

“I guess it’s my turn,” Elsa said, traces of fear in her voice. “You deserve to know about the part of my life, my past, at Arendelle Consulting.”

Maren didn’t exactly know what to say, so she watched as Elsa wrung her hands in her lap. 

“It was the accounting company my father owned, if you hadn’t already guessed because, Arendelle- Arendelle?” she chuckled, but it was dry. “Anyway, he was always, from when I was young,  _ training me,  _ I guess, to take over when I was twenty-one. I went to the top of the country, the best of the best, private schools to get the right education for it. My life was... hectic. Stress-filled, even before I turned thirteen. I had to get the best grades in the class. That was another reason for… well, you know. Everything. If I got even a ninety-nine on a test, if I was second in the class… Well, anyway, when my parents died I was 19. Arendelle was one of the only things for me in my dad’s will. By then, it was mine, completely and fully. I had complete ownership, but obviously, I wasn’t ready to work there yet, I was still just in college. I did finally take over when I was twenty-one, just like he’d wanted. In the time while I was at college, which my dad somehow persuaded the board to let me in when I was sixteen, by the way- there was someone who I had appointed to run the business while I was still studying.”

“That sounds…” Maren trailed off, looking for the right word.

“Awful?” again with the dry chuckle. “Yeah, it was. I never slept, I was kept up all night with too much paperwork, and even when I was done… there was always too much stress keeping me from falling asleep. For a year, I thrived on nearly two hours, sometimes even less, of sleep a night and tons of coffee. Needless to say, I handed off the company after a year, to a bigger corporation, and started my little sculpting and carving business. Also needless to say, I’m much happier and can…  _ usually _ sleep.” Elsa leaned over and rested her head on Maren's shoulder. “I hate talking about that part of my life. Even now, I guess, about two years later, my heart still speeds up whenever I think of it. I…” she stopped, a quizzical expression on her face. ‘How did you even find out about Arendelle?”

Maren blushed. “I may have googled you…”

Elsa laughed, and it wasn’t dry, and this time, instead, filled with emotion. Anger, happiness. Sadness and mischief. Elsa was… she was the woman Maren was falling in love with. She was amazing, her laugh was like bells, her eyes, even though frosty, had a warmth to them that Maren couldn’t explain. 

“You’re the worst!” Elsa giggled. “What, do you not trust me?”

Maren’s face flushed red. “No! I do! I just…” she groaned. 

“You’re just hopelessly obsessed with me?” Elsa deadpanned, raising one eyebrow. Her eyes, however, made up for the lack of emotion in her voice. 

Maren bit her cheek, she felt her ears and cheeks tingling with warmth. She was sure her face was redder than a beet… so she buried her reddening face in a pillow so Elsa couldn’t see. 

“It’s okay Maren,” the blonde giggled, reaching one arm over her back and pulling her into a one-arm hug. Her grip soon loosened though, and Maren looked up from her face’s pillow prison, to see Elsa doubled over in laughter. It was good to see her laugh, and Maren smiled, truly happy for the first time that day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay safe and also be kind to yourself!??
> 
> do your best to find good coping mechanisms. i know that i rely on my friends for a lot, which makes this hard, so i'm trying to find better things to help. hopefully.


	13. 13

In the weeks leading up to the opening of Anna’s play, Kristoff began to look for any way out of his house. He couldn’t stand hearing her recite her lines and cues one more time, he had said to Elsa. He’d also said that he needed anywhere to go to get away from her constantly practicing her lines. Elsa had told him he was always welcome at her house; and so, with only a few days left until the first showing, he found himself there more and more often. 

“It’s _endless,”_ he groaned, practically falling into Elsa’s house as soon as she opened the door Friday evening, just past 5:45. Elsa snickered, throwing the pillow she happened to have in her hands at him. It bounced off him to the floor in front of Elsa, so she bent over and picked it up.

“But you’re getting free tickets,” she reminded him, causing him to open his mouth to protest. He shut it again almost immediately though, and Elsa laughed. “You know you can’t complain about that,” she grinned. “Come in.”

Kristoff followed suit, a little unnerved by the smug, mischievous smirk on Elsa’s face. 

“You look sleep deprived,” she commented, and Kristoff turned, surprised, to her. “What?” she defended, her eyes wide at the surprised, half-heartedly angry glare he gave her. 

“I am!” he groaned, flopping back into Elsa’s couch, and turned around again to watch her pour two cups of coffee. “Anna’s been busy practicing her lines and her projection and whatnot until at least, twelve, one…!”

“I hope she’s getting enough sleep,” Elsa frowned. 

Kristoff chuckled. “If there’s anyone better than you at surviving on less than two hours of sleep a night and coffee, it’s Anna.”

Elsa winced. 

“Oh, sorry…. that was too close,” Kristoff rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Wasn’t it?” 

Elsa nodded, then shook her head, groaning. “I need to get a grip on my past already,” she sighed. “There are going to always be times when someone’s going to say something… like that,” she added hesitantly. “And I’m not always going to be able to get a break from it or whatever.” 

Kristof seemed stunned- or something- silent for a moment, before he cleared his throat and continued. “No, Elsa… it’s fine to grieve for a past you could’ve had. And that was my fault for joking about something that wasn’t, isn’t, and won’t ever be a joke. I made a stupid remark that offended you.”

“Not offended,” Elsa said, handing Kristoff the cup of coffee that she had poured, and sitting next to him on the couch. “Just annoyed. With myself,” she was quick to clarify. “That I’m not better. Well, no, I am better, by a lot. But what I mean is- what I’m trying to say is that it’s been so long, y’know? I thought things would be okay by now, and yet they’re not.” 

“All good things take time to come,” Kristoff remarked, sipping on his coffee as he watched Elsa drum her fingernails against the ceramic of her mug. 

“And all good things come to an end,” Elsa said, and turned to Kristoff, confidence and yet doubt in her eyes. She set her mug down on the coffee table. “I told Maren.”

“About what? Arendelle? Your dad?”

“Everything,” Elsa said, and realized she had been drumming her fingers so she picked her hands up and wrung her hands instead. It was a nervous habit of hers, and one she did subconsciously a lot, as well as biting her lip. “She proved quite quickly that she was going to be a good support system,” Elsa smirked. “And she also trusts me with things about her past. Not great things either,” Elsa grimaced. “Unfortunately.” 

“Well, it’s pretty much impossible to find the one perfect person with the perfect life to fall in love with, isn’t it?” 

“I’m not in love with her.”

“There’s chemistry,” Kristoff jabbed at her, and poked her in the shoulder. “And she’s all googly-eyes for you.” 

“I’m not — she is?” Elsa bit her lip. 

“Uh-huh. Oh yeah. Totally.”

“She doesn’t show it, at least, I don’t think she does.” 

“Well maybe you’re really bad at perception,” Kristoff teased. “She’s clearly eye-fucking you. Seriously though, Elsa. She’s hot, and is clearly in love with you. How have you not fallen for her yet?” 

“No, I know she likes me, but she- wait? Anna didn’t tell you? I mean, I guess she was-“

“What did Anna not tell me?”

Elsa let out a hearty laugh. “Guess she forgot, hm. Maybe she thought me being gay meant I wanted to do every girl I saw, ‘cluding her,” Elsa laughed so hard her laughs went silent, her eyes squeezed shut. “I don’t even want to _do_ anybody!”

“Elsa, chill. This seems to be a yourself-only inside joke that I would like to understand.”

“I’m ace! I thought Anna would’ve told you, ‘cause I definitely told her.” 

“Oh, okay. I still don’t think it’s that funny though…”

“Oh whatever,” Elsa grinned, regaining her composure. “I’m also demiromantic. That’s why I’m not like… dating her yet.” 

“So demisexual, but demi _romantic_ ,” Kristoff said, mostly to himself. Elsa frowned.

“No, I’m _asexual.”_

_“_ No, I get that. Demiromantic, like where you have to have a strong emotional bond before you develop romantic feelings for someone, right?” 

Elsa nodded, and grinned widely again. “Yeah, I consider her a good friend, but I- I’m not sure that I have a _close_ emotional bond, exactly, with her yet,” she smiled again, her eyes lighting up. I can’t believe it’s been about a month and a half or so, and you didn’t know.” 

“Well, it’s not like _you_ told me!”

“I thought Anna had!” Elsa sighed. “Anyway, remind her of that for me when you get her away from her lines for a moment, please?” 

Kristoff rolled his eyes, sighing. “Like that’s gonna happen.”

“Oh come on, it can’t be _that_ bad!” 

Kristoff raised an eyebrow at her. 

“It’s _that_ bad?”

Kristoff nodded. 

“Wow,” Elsa cleared her throat. “That’s, well, let me just say that when Anna gets obsessed, _Anna gets obsessed.”_

“You think?” Kristoff snorted. “Well, speaking of Anna and whatnot I should get going,” he said, and checked the time again. “Actually, I _really should_ get going.”

“Kay, bye,” Elsa said, sinking into her couch.

“Love you too, Els.”

“I know,” she said, closing her eyes. “Now that I don’t have you buffoon of a man in my house, I finally have some peace and quiet.”

“You’re a jerk, you know?” Kristoff shook his head. 

Elsa bit back a smile.

* * *

Saturday came, sooner than expected, and since Anna had gotten enough tickets for Elsa to bring Maren, Maren found herself being dragged along b a very pretty girl wearing a very pretty dress, and the very pretty girl just so happened to be Elsa and it just so happened that Maren was falling in love with her. Maren stifled a moan, trying not to pay attention to the feel of Elsa’s cold hand around her wrist. Elsa pulled her and Kristoff along through the busy broadway streets, and then the quieter streets where nearby theatres were. Because of subway delays, and then getting off at the wrong stop, they were running later than they had planned for, and Elsa, of course, had blamed it all on Kristoff’s bad sense of direction, and had taken the lead. It must have been an odd sight to walk past, judging by some of the weird looks people had given them. Well, it probably was odd. Elsa with a very determined look on her face, with her arms behind her pulling along two very confused-looking people. 

“Oh!’ Elsa’s head shot up, and her pace quickened. “I see it! Come on!” And then the three of them took off running, Elsa pointing them to turn left after the second block. But they arrived, and got into the theatre lobby, with a few more minutes to spare. Elsa breathed a sigh of relief. “See, we did get here on time!” she turned to Kristoff, who rolled his eyes. “No thanks to you!” 

“Elsa, chill!” Maren laughed, and hesitantly reached out to put her hand on Elsa’s shoulder. Elsa let her, and turned, smiling to Maren. “Leave the poor guy alone,’’ Maren giggled. 

Kristoff sighed. “Thank you, Maren!’”

Elsa rolled her eyes. “Come on, let’s go get our tickets and bags checked and find our seats.” 

They went, and soon found their seats just a few rows back from the front, and directly opposite of the middle of the stage. They were really good seats. _Really good seats, actually,_ Maren decided, after Kristoff had squeezed into the end seat, Elsa into the middle, leaving Maren to the end, next to Elsa. They were so close, their legs brushed. Yes, Maren _liked_ these seats. She bit her lip, and her fingers felt Elsa’s hand. Elsa jumped a little at the contact, but realized it was Maren and accepted her hand. Her fingers were more calloused than Maren would have expected, but then again, it kind of made sense because of what she did for work. Maren flashed a quick smile at her, but Elsa’s eyes were fixated on something else. 

“Elsa?” she asked, trying to get the girl’s attention.

“Mhm?”

“What are you looking at?”

“I’ve always found the sensation of the lights dimming quite calming,” Elsa chuckled. “I guess it’s stupid.”

“No,” Maren said, and if it was even possible, schooched closer to Elsa. She rested her head on Elsa’s shoulder and was relieved when the blonde rested her head on top of Maren’s instead of shrugging it off. “I don’t think so.” 

Elsa sat up again, her eyes flitting to Maren, or what she could see of her. “Really?”

“No, I don't,” the corners of her lips tugged upwards. Elsa returned her grin. 

“Random question, Mare,” she paused, smiling at Maren. “What’s your favorite musical?” 

“Other than this,” Maren started, her eyes clouded in concentration for a minute. “I love Dear Evan Hansen,” she breathed. “I don't know, I guess- well, the numbers are amazing and I connect to the songs, even if in a different way than they were written. Have you ever seen it?”

“I- no, I haven't.”  
  


“What’s yours?” 

“I - uh,” Elsa blushed a little. “It’s not on Broadway anymore. But Disney is doing a movie adaptation of the musical. It wasn't on Broadway for very long though, so I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't heard of it? On Broadway, it was called The Snow Queen, but the movie is going to be called _Frozen._ ” 

“Hm,” Maren grinned. “I haven't heard of it. Disney _is doing_ an adaptation?” she looked at Elsa, who nodded. 

“Yeah, it comes out in, like, the middle of February, I think.” 

“Cool. Well, I guess we will see it? If you want to, that is.” 

That would be great," Elsa started, looking up at the lights which had dimmed all the way by then. "And shh, the play is starting,” her palm relaxed in Maren’s, and Maren gently rubbed her fingers. The lights soon dimmed fully, and they were asked to shut off their phones which Maren and Elsa had already done. A few minutes after that, the curtains lifted. 

Anna wasn’t in the first act, but she did come on as a much more major role in the second act. They were so close to the stage, Elsa felt that if she reached out, her fingers would brush the dust on the edge of the stage. 

Anna’s voice startled Elsa back to attention. She leaned her head on Maren’s shoulder, and the brunette's grip tightened on her hand. Elsa smiled, a warm, fuzzy feeling that she was loved building up in her stomach. Kristoff’s eyes briefly met hers, and he rolled his eyes and made a kissy face at her. Elsa smiled, and sat back up again, weaseling her sweaty palm out of Maren’s hand. 

After the musical ended, they waited outside in the cool night air for Anna to come out. She first had to get out of costume, and her makeup removed, so it was a bit of a long wait. But Anna came out, flamboyant and glowing even in the dark. She came out, bouncing on the balls of her feet with excitement, a wide grin across her face. 

“How’d I do?” she said, running to them as soon as she saw the three. 

“Awesome,” Maren breathed, and gave her a quick hug. 

“Yeah, you really did do amazing, Anna,” Elsa agreed, and wrapped her little sister in a hug that lasted for seemingly forever, her fingers brushing Anna’s hair, slick with sweat, away from her eyes. Anna grinned, unable to keep a smile off her face for more than two seconds at a time. 

Except, she was able to stop smiling long enough to kiss Kristoff with enough passion that Elsa turned away. “I love you, babe,” he murmured. 

Maren found herself wondering if that would be something she would ever murmur into Elsa’s mouth while it was pressed against her own.

Anna pulled away from Kristoff and turned to Elsa again. “The usual?” she asked, and Elsa grinned, her eyes glowing in the moonlight. 

“As always.” 

“The usual?” Maren frowned, turning towards the sisters. 

“Oh, Elsa didn't tell you?” Anna laughed. “Well, after we go see Broadway plays, or I guess be in them now- we always go to some diner and buy the crappiest amounts of ice cream sundaes. It's become a sort of unhealthy tradition, but these two pigs won't go to a play if we don't do it,” she smiled affectionately, pointing towards Elsa and Kristoff. Elsa rolled her eyes.  
  


“That’s not true! You love it just as much as we do,” she defended. 

“That I do, dear sister,” Anna said jokingly, and took off to go to a diner that was just across the street. 

They sat at a booth, and Elsa curled up on the inside, Maren taking her place next to her so that Anna and Kristoff could cuddle on the other bench. Maren made a quick face at Elsa, who grinned dopily back at her. Neither Anna nor Kristoff noticed them, they were too caught up with staring lovingly into the other’s eyes. 

Anna was right, too- they did buy that most insane amounts of ice cream, but Maren wasn't one to complain against a good brownie sundae. And as it seemed, Elsa wasn’t one to complain against grotesque amounts of waxy rainbow sprinkles and a good helping of hot fudge either. Anna and Kristoff, of course, split a triple-fudge quadruple-chocolate chunk chocolate monster sundae, or something with a stupid name like that. And, obviously, each was complete with a maraschino cherry. The cherry on top of a perfect day. 

They finished, and paid the bill- which was some ridiculous amount, but what could they expect, really? It was a diner just off broadway, in Manhattan, in _New York City,_ where everything was overpriced anyway. 

“Maren? Are you going to go straight home? You’re welcome to stay at my place if you want,” Elsa said, her eyes hinted with concern- caring, really. “You could sleep in the spare bedroom, or on the couch- I guess. Or in my bed, and I could sleep in the spare. Or I guess you could sleep in my bed with me, but I have been told by _someone,”_ she sent a very pointed glare at Anna. “That I have cold feet.” 

“That sounds fine,” Maren said, and was glad that it was dark enough out that they couldn't see her face going bright red. “I mean, not sharing a bed,” she heard Anna snigger. “But I’d love to stay at your house for the night, if you’re completely okay with it.”

“Yeah, that’s wonderful.” 

They took a Lyft, and Elsa’s house was the first stop. Maren was never prepared for the sheer size of the brownstone, but then again, Elsa had been the CEO of a big company for a year, and that company had been bought by a bigger company- so Maren couldn’t say she was exactly surprised. Elsa humbly unlocked the door and led Maren inside. 

“I’ll go find some sheets for the spare, then,” she said, but Maren put a hand on her shoulder to stop her. 

“It’s fine. Just tell me where they are, and I’ll get them,” Elsa nodded graciously, and pointed to a closet down the hall. 

“In there. The bedroom is upstairs though, I’ll lead you.”

Maren walked over to the closet and opened it. She crossed her brows as she peered inside, finding nothing but a couple of neatly folded towels. “Um, Elsa…”

“Yeah?” the blonde’s head shot up from where she was unlacing her boots. 

“There aren’t any sheets in here.” 

Elsa shot up straight. “Oh…. shoot!” she rushed clunkily, one boot on and one off, over to her fridge and picked off a pink receipt. “Ugh!” she threw her arms up in exasperation. “I get all of my sheets washed once a month, because I like them to be professionally cleaned, y’know?” Maren nodded, though she didn't. “And I was meant to pick them up yesterday, but I forgot,” she blushed. “So, I can get you a cab if you want to leave?”

Maren internally sighed, Elsa really didn’t want to share a bed with her. She shook her head. It wasn’t like she could blame her- Elsa wasn’t exactly attracted to Maren as more than a friend. 

“Unless, you want to sleep in my bed with me?” Elsa offered quietly. 

“That’ll be fine, Elsa. Don’t worry.” 

Elsa smiled at her. “I’d change my sheets, but…” she trailed off, and Maren grinned. 

About fifteen minutes later, Elsa had gotten her other boot off and Maren found herself and Elsa in Elsa’s bedroom. Elsa was looking for some pajamas while Maren sat on her bed. 

“Here. This should be fine,” she said, handing Maren a purple nightgown. “Unless you don’t like nightgowns,” she frowned. “Then I have these,” she handed Maren a pair of silky blue pants and a shirt. “I was kind of going to wear them,” she admitted sheepishly. “But if you want them, I can wear the nightgown.” 

Maren bit her lip. Elsa was being too kind, awkwardly kind. “The nightgown is fine,” she said, and Elsa handed it to her and she went to change into the nightgown in Elsa’s bathroom. Maren hated nightgowns, they had a way of always snaking up to her waist in the middle of the night, but it was too hard to say no to Elsa. By the time she returned to the bedroom, Elsa had slipped into the blue pajamas and braided her hair loosely and now it hung down her back. 

“You’re back,” she said, turning to Maren. Maren fought the urge to look away- she hated the way that Elsa’s braid framing her face just perfectly made her knees weak and her heart rate spike. “I can braid your hair for you, if you want.” 

Maren did want. She wanted Elsa’s hands to touch the back of her neck ever so lightly, like butterfly wings. But she was almost too embarrassed to say yes. 

Almost. 

She nearly swooned when she sat in front of Elsa, her head resting on Elsa’s chest as she threaded her fingers through Maren’s knotty hair, not saying a word. Everything about Elsa was so close, so… 

Elsa finished, tying her hair off with a hair band. “There,” she said, holding Maren’s hair up so she could see it in the mirror. Maren smiled. She tended to wear her hair in a braid most days anyway, but this braid was different, prettier, fancy without trying. It was done by Elsa’s nimble fingers, and therefore, Maren loved it. She sighed, leaning back to look at her friend. 

“Thanks.”

“It’s no problem,” Elsa smiled. Maren resisted the urge to lean up and kiss her. Everything about the scene was so perfect- so _deliberate,_ too… But Maren didn’t give in, thankfully, because that would have led to another embarrassing moment like when they had first met, those few months ago. Maren grinned, sitting up and giving ELsa a hug before she rolled over to the other side of the bed. Elsa cleared her throat.

“Maren, um, would you like some water? Or milk? Or something… I think I have orange juice?”

‘Water would be great, thanks,” Elsa walked away and Maren buried her head in her pillow, drinking in the scent. They smelled like Elsa. She returned a few minutes later with a cup of water and some ice in a separate cup, and a mug filled with something steaming. 

“I wasn't sure if you like ice-water or not, so I got you some ice,” she said, precariously handing Maren the two cups. Maren took them and added a few cubes to her drink. 

“Thank you.”

Elsa smiled, the look in her eyes softening. “No problem,” she sat down on the bed and sipped from her drink before sheepishly turning to Maren. “Hot chocolate,” she said, holding out the cup to show Maren what she was drinking. “I wasn't sure we had any and then I wasn't sure if you’d like it… But if you want some I can get it for you.”

Maren stifled a groan of annoyance. She hated when people were treating her so nicely, doing everything for her, like this. It made her feel like a burden. “No thanks, I’m good.” 

Elsa smiled, setting her mug down on the side table by her bed. She turned over and got under the blanket, and curled up. She rubbed her eyes. ‘I’m so...rry,” she yawned. “Do you mind if I turn off the light?”

Maren shook her head, and got under the blanket on the opposite side of Elsa. “That’s fine.”

“Okay,” Elsa murmured. “Also, don’t be surprised if you wake up to my cat purring in your ears. He likes anyone who isn’t me,” she sighed, closing her eyes. “Goodnight, Maren.”

“‘Night, Elsa.” 

Elsa switched off the light, and then the room was only illuminated by the lights coming off of the street through a crack in the curtains. Elsa looked peaceful, loose strands of hair splayed across her face. Maren smiled, and slowly drifted off to sleep. 


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws 8,000 words of chapter at you and runs*

“Elsa, sweetie, come closer,” Maren found herself whispering, and her eyes snapped open with her hand flying to her mouth. Sunlight gently filtered through the curtains, illuminating Maren’s bright red face and Elsa’s body, curled in on herself with sleep. Maren realized she wouldn't have a time like this to admire Elsa’s face- the sheer beauty of it, especially in her peacefulness. A smile flickered on the corner of her friend’s lips, a few strands of hair dangling over her shut eyes. A little drool slid down her cheek, pooling on the sheet below it. Her hand draped on a pillow that Maren had half-heartedly and reluctantly placed between them for added privacy, her fingers lightly brushing Maren’s. Maren bit back a foolish grin, bliss rippling through her veins and leaving her fingers tingling. Elsa was so kind, so thoughtful… Maren was drawn to her personality like she would be drawn to warmth on a cold day. Elsa put others needs- for the most part, except when she was feeling completely awful- in front of her own. And those simple selfless acts each day went a long way. Maren rolled over onto her side facing Elsa. Reaching out, she gently brushed her  _ friend’s  _ arm, pleased with the way Elsa slightly smiled, rolling closer to her with an almost magnetic-like reaction to Maren’s touch. Maren bit her lip and laced her fingers through Elsa’s.

_ Maren, stop…  _ she thought, as she gripped Elsa’s hand tight, battling the urge to pull the cool, nimble fingers to her lips and hug Elsa tightly. Tell her that everything would be okay, because Maren knew she still struggled with the demons in her mind. Her voices, the anxiety. Maren knew that, and she didn’t want Elsa to have to suffer the way she did.

And Elsa looked so peaceful in her sleep, though. Maren brushed her thumb across the corner of her lip.  _ Maren, _ her inner voice warned again, more strictly. 

This attraction- it was deeper than skin-deep. It was stronger than sexual attraction, which had always been fairly weak for her anyway. It was probably normal, right? Over time, sexual attraction must deepen, must become stronger… Maren wasn’t sure. But she had a romantic-mostly crush, well, a little  _ more  _ than a crush by then- on Elsa. It was on the edge of infatuation, bordering limerence…

She’d wanted to kiss Elsa since she first saw her. She found her gorgeous, yes. She still did… but _ hot? _

Maren closed her eyes. Maybe she was asexual. Should finding out you were ace be this hard? It didn't seem to be for Elsa? Maybe it was. Anyway, Maren couldn’t be ace, right? Could she? She did, though, didn’t she? She did have a little sexual attraction for Elsa. Finding out she was bi wasn’t so hard. It was like, she crushed on a boy- so she was straight. Then she crushed on a girl, so she was a lesbian. But then she crushed on a boy again, learned the term bisexual, and it fit, so she adopted it. 

No. No, she had to be asexual. All of her friends, gay, bi, pan or whatnot, all of her allosexual friends found people hot at seemingly first sight. They would walk down the street, and point out a random stranger and say they were sexy. Hell, even Ryder did that. They would point out someone on the street, say they were sexy, and then ask Maren if she agreed. 

_ “I guess,” Maren mumbled to her friend Eric after he pointed out yet another girl on the street, musing over her beauty, and asked Maren what she thought of her. Eric always had a weird thing for redheads, and this was unsurprisingly yet another one.  _

Maren normally grinned, laughing at the memory, but she frowned instead. Elsa was- well, Maren liked her for  _ who she was.  _ As a person. Not about what she looked like. Though she was admittedly very beautiful, quite possibly the most gorgeous person Maren had ever met, it wasn’t what had drawn her to Elsa. When they’d first met, it was a joke, mostly- her flirting with Elsa- because she’d assumed Elsa was straight. It was stupid, of course, because she’d based her assumption entirely on how femenine Elsa presented. And lesbians can present however they want. And then when Maren kissed her, it was entirely impulse, and Maren still wasn’t quite sure what had come over her that had caused her to kiss her. She frowned. 

But Elsa had always been so open with Maren about those things. Maybe she should tell her? Ask Elsa about what she felt, as an asexual. Compare how Maren felt with that. But everyone’s sexuality was different- one asexual could be sex repulsed, and the next, hypersexual. One ace could be biromantic, and another could be panromantic, or heteroromantic...Maren had a hunger for knowledge, to know herself more than she knew anyone else. It was a hunger, though, that was insatiable. For the meantime, at least. Maren sighed, opening her eyes as Elsa stirred. She could spend hours questioning her sexuality, laying awake at night like she was twelve again. She could do all of that later. But for today, she was going to enjoy the day with Elsa. 

“Hey,” she whispered as Elsa’s eyes slowly fluttered open. Elsa gasped, tearing her fingers from Maren’s. Maren frowned.

“Hi,” she said between gasps of air, her voice thick and raspy with sleep. She blinked a couple of times. “I forgot you were here,” she breathed, gesturing to herself and laughed a little.She blinked again to disperse the haze, and yawned. “I’m sorry, have you been up long? You could have woken me up,” she said, rubbing her eyes and looking at the time.

“Not too long,” Maren asserted, and Elsa shot her a quick smile. 

“Well,” she said, rolling onto her other side and hoisting herself up so her legs dangled off the edge of the bed. She slid off, reached down and threw Maren her clothes from yesterday before disappearing into her bathroom. Maren pulled on her clothes, and folded Elsa’s nightgown, scowling at it as she placed it on Elsa’s bed. Elsa returned, her hair pulled into a messy ponytail and her face dewy.

“Breakfast?” she asked, slightly reaching out her hand to Maren with an almost-alarming mischievous grin on her face. 

Maren smiled, and took Elsa’s hand.

* * *

~ 4 months later:

Saturday, December 22, 10:00AM

Elsa’s eyes slid open, a lazy smile already on her face for no particular reason. She checked the time- she had woken up later than usual, but that was okay because she felt so good. So happy... She grinned, delight buzzing in her stomach. It was a newer feeling- one she was getting used to still. She’d spent so long being so sad, and with only occasional elation, and now was getting used to feeling happier more often than not; well, it was a change. A good one, too. 

She opened her phone, and upon seeing her notifications, her smile widened even more.

**_December 22:_ **

**_You have one event from your calendar: FAMILY CALENDAR: Elsa’s Birthday_ **

**_8:00AM_ **

She grinned, and unlocked her phone- usually Anna would have texted her by then. She frowned slightly, but considering it was early and the girl liked to sleep for as long as possible she didn't pay much attention to it. Humming, she twirled around, jumping over her cat, causing her coffee to slosh around in her mug. She plopped herself down on her couch, curled up next to Bruni, and grinned widely when she saw Maren’s name pop up on her phone screen. 

It was a new thing; the butterflies. The fuzzy, yet nervous feeling when she saw Maren’s name. The magnetic feeling that had her drawn to Maren’s face.She found herself craving the warmth of Maren’s hand in hers, the weight of her head on Elsa’s shoulder. But, as with most things, she brushed it off. It was a new feeling, yes; but it was also likely one that came with having good friends. Something Elsa hadn’t really ever had, so how should she know how it felt? 

_ “Elsa! What are you up to today?”  _

Elsa smiled.  _ “Well, it’s my birthday-”  _ she shook her head, deleting that. It felt too needy, too much like she was guilt-tripping Maren for not-knowing already. She pushed away the sadness of feeling forgotten- Anna wasn't awake yet, she’d only told Maren her birthdate  _ once-  _ and instead typed,  _ “Nothing much.” _

_ “Wanna hang out?” _

Elsa grinned at the idea of seeing Maren’s face, hearing her voice and hearing her laugh.  _ “Of course! Would you mind coming to my house?” _

_ “Sure, no problem. I’ll be there in 15-20, sound good?” _

Elsa resisted the urge to bounce up and exclaim that she could get there faster- and ignored her racing heart rate about seeing Maren. Yeah- it was definitely her excitement about having a new- well, she couldn’t call Maren a  _ new  _ friend, they’d already known each other for half a year. A  _ good  _ friend. A  _ very good  _ friend.  _ “See you then!” _

Elsa smiled again, although her cheeks hurt from smiling so much already that day. Her stomach filled with a fluttery feeling, Maren’s name swirling pleasantly around in her mind.  _ Marenmarenmarenmaren- _ she caught herself staring at the ceiling _.  _ Her cheeks flushed as she jumped up to get changed once she realized that a nightgown was not exactly appropriate for a day out, especially not in the winter. 

Trodding back into her room, she remembered the clothes she had set out for herself the night before, and gingerly picked up the note she had left herself. 

_ Happy birthday, Elsa! _

_ Love, yourself  _

She blushed. Gods, when had she become so pathetic? She folded the note crisply, then tore it in half, and frowned. She was the only one to remember her birthday- no, Anna was asleep. She sighed, brushing away a tear before it had the chance to fall. Really, when had she become so pathetic? She looked at the dress she’d left for herself and scowled, all of a sudden it seemed too bright and flouncy, and not fancy enough.

Who was she kidding though, fancy? She was hanging out with her friend. Her maybe best friend? No- that was Kristoff. Well, maybe Maren was her best friend. She bit her lip, confused, and agonized over the clothes in her closet for a few more minutes. She finally decided on white-to-purple ombre jeans and an off the shoulder white shirt with fading pastel diamonds ranging a few inches down from the neck. It was pretty, it was fancy  _ enough,  _ without seeming like she was trying too hard. 

She was sitting back down on her bed when Anna’s name popped up.  _ Finally,  _ she thought, then scrunched her nose.  _ Pathetic,  _ she laughed out loud before picking up Anna’s call. 

It took an effort to not blurt out “finally,” the second Anna picked up. 

“Elsa!” 

“Anna,” she said smoothly- at least her best attempt at saying something smoothly. She grinned, malicious thoughts and manipulative- in a good way!- ideas forming in her mind. “So,” she began. “I’m hanging out with Maren today,” and waited for Anna to realize that they were supposed to spend the day together, after all, it was part of the Arendelle Family recovery program. (In reality, it was all Anna helping Elsa to get better, but still a nice thought.) Spending your birthday with your sister was more of a tradition by this point, anyway. Elsa sighed when Anna did not respond with anything but a “mhm.”

“I’m so excited, though!” Elsa said, and it was true, and she’d also given up on the hairs of a plan that she’d come up with. “Excited enough that I’m getting those ‘good-friend-fluttery feelings-,’”

“What?” Anna said, and Elsa could hear a smirk in her voice. She shrunk in a little on herself, her voice small when she spoke again.

“Y’know, when someone’s a good friend and you feel all nervous but you’re really excited?” she slurred a little, confused by Anna’s amused reaction.  _ You sound like a five year old- _

“Mhm,” Anna said. “Tell me more about how you’re feeling.”

Elsa furrowed her brows, drumming her fingers on her knee. “Like- I miss her face, even though I saw her a week ago, less even! And I miss her, too. I mean, of course, right?” her heart threatened to beat out of her chest. _Just breathe-_ she thought, and she tried to, taking a few gulps of air. “And my stomach feels all fluttery- wait, I said that-” 

“Elsa,” Anna cut her off, and she shut her mouth and looked at the floor. “Do you have a crush on Maren?”

“No!” Elsa said instinctively, then buried her face in the pillow.  _ Oh gods, wait-  _ She groaned. “Maybe?” came her muffled response. 

“Oh my god, this is awesome! You like her! Oh my god, Elsa likes Maren! KRISTOFF!”

“NO!” Elsa yelled, her face warm and she was sure it was bright red too. Thankfully, Anna was only on the phone and couldn't see her… 

“Okay, okay. Sorry,” Anna giggled. “I never thought this day would happen! My sister has a crush!”

Elsa grinned but stayed silent, remembering Anna’s initial response to her coming out- and then, now, with her giddiness. “I swear to the gods, Anna-”

“Sorry, sorry,” Anna said, but Elsa didn’t hear any remorse in her words. 

Elsa swallowed. “Oh, gods, nonono…”

“What?”

“She likes me back! What do I do now?”

Anna scoffed. “You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing! Trust me, everyone wants their crush to like them back!”

“I’m going to have to make the first move! I don't know-” she groaned.

“Oh great!” Anna said, and Elsa could picture her clapping her hands with glee, a mischievous smirk on her face. “Okay, okay. You said she’s coming over. How much time do you have until she’s there?”

Elsa grimly checked the time. “About five minutes,” she grimaced. 

“Ooh, okay. KRISTOFF! I NEED DATE IDEAS, STAT!!” Elsa went beet red. 

“What? Why?” she heard Kristoff groan in the background. 

“Elsa’s goi-”

“SHUT UP!” Elsa screamed. Her ears tingled. 

“Okay, jeez. No reason.”

Oh my god,” Kristoff said. “Elsa’s going on a-”

“SHUT UP!” She and Anna both screamed at the same time. 

“Sorry! Okay, fine. Um, stargazing? Rock climbing! Sledding! Uh, spaghetti-eating contest?” 

“Okay, you suck at this. Elsa! What does Maren like?”

“Uh, dogs? Trees. The night? Planets. Pizza… Making coffee? Mm, other people’s life problems-”

“What?” Anna said, her voice strained from trying not to laugh.

“No, that was awful phrasing,” Elsa laughed. “She’s in school to be a therapist, and a part time barista, for income,” she assured Anna, and as soon as she said that, her phone buzzed with a text from none other than Maren, saying she was in front of Elsa’s house. “Okay, she’s here.”

“Yay!” Anna whispered in an evil tone.

‘I swear to the gods, Anna, if you tell her-”

“I won't! I won’t. I promise! Just, before you go? Invite her to stay the night, maybe. Come home and cook dinner together. Figure it out from there! Good luck, I love you!”

“I love-” Elsa was cut off by Anna hanging up. Elsa grimaced, looking at the mirror. Her cheeks still tingled with a faint blush.  _ Maybe Anna did forget…  _ she stared at herself for a second more before she remembered her friend. “Oh, okay, right. Maren’s here.”

There was a knock on the door, and Elsa scrambled down the stairs as a second, more-urgent one came. “Coming!” she screeched. 

Nothing ever prepared her for how she felt when she saw her again for the first time, not for the past two months.  _ Gods, have I liked her for that long, just being oblivious to it?  _ She shook her head, opening the door. 

“Hi!” Maren grinned. Elsa stopped, speechless for a moment by how pretty she looked in a flannel and jeans-  _ Elsa, say hello.  _

“Hi,” she smiled. “Come on in.”

Maren strided in, and shut the door gently behind her. Bruni ran up to her, purring,and wrapped himself around her ankles. “Hi, Bruni,” she laughed. 

“I’ll be right back,” Elsa said, reaching down to stroke her cat. She straightened up again and avoided Maren’s eyes. “I have to go uh, feed Olaf,” she did, but she also wanted to get away from Maren. 

“Okay,” Elsa left, and stifled a groan when she realized Maren had come with her.  _ So much for getting away,  _ she grimaced. They got to her cockatoo, and she lifted the blanket up a little. 

As soon as she did, he screeched. “Oh my god, Elsa likes-” Elsa gasped, dropping the cloth back over his cage as fast as she could.  _ Oh gods, he must have heard my phone call!  _ Maren gave her a quizzical look.

“Heh, uh, he….  _ Surprised _ me,” she stammered, and turned away from Maren. 

“Okay,” Maren said, disbelief hinting her voice, but she shrugged and reached down to pet Bruni. 

Elsa cautiously lifted the blanket again, holding a bag of birdseed. To her relief, he only squawked about how he was starving, and gave her a few random facts. 

Elsa took a deep breath, turning sheepishly to Maren. “So,” she wrung her hands, and looked at the floor. “Have you eaten?” she looked up. 

Maren shook her head. “I was actually wondering if you wanted to go to brunch,” she grinned. Elsa smiled and shook her head. Maren rubbed her hands together. “Great! And after that we can figure out some stuff to do. It’s a nice day out,” she said hurriedly, and Elsa couldn't help but puzzle over her tone for a second. She inwardly shrugged- Maren probably just wanted to spend time out of the house, and Elsa couldn’t blame her. She had been feeling a little cooped up as well, with there being rain and slush nearly all of the previous week and it had only let up the day before.

“Of course,” she grinned, pulling on a dark blue coat. 

Maren smiled, taking her hand and pulling her out the door. 

The wind whipped Elsa’s face and she shivered when they stepped out, but it was only momentary. 

“So,” Maren started, and she shoved her hands in her pockets. She was wearing a light brown coat that looked like it was leather, and it hugged her body nicely.  _ Elsa-  _ she bit her lip. Even her inner voice shook slightly. 

“That, of course,” Maren said and Elsa’s head snapped up. 

“Wait, sorry, what were you saying?”

“Well, that we could always go to your favorite restaurant,” she smirked. “It’s very good, of course, and…. It seems like it might have become our meeting slash hanging out spot, hasn’t it? Maybe they should rename it to ‘The Elsamaren Restaurant?’” 

_ The Elsamaren- Elsamaren… Oh gods,  _ Elsa blushed. “You seem to have already had that word in mind,” she smirked, poking fun at her  _ friend.  _

Maren’s face flushed. “And what if I had?” she mumbled. 

Elsa smiled and rolled her eyes. 

“ _ Anyway,”  _ Maren gave her a half-hearted glare. _ “ _ We could also go to this other restaurant that I saw serves brunch. It seems new, and the menu seems good- but it’s a bit more of a walk.”

“Sounds cool to me,” Elsa said. 

“Okay, cool. Let me get the location into google maps,” Maren typed what seemed to be a text to someone, and quickly closed it when she saw Elsa looking. Elsa blushed and looked away. Had she really just been prying on Maren’s texts? Gods, was she having an Anna-level crush? This all seemed so sudden… Maybe it wasn’t, though. Maybe she’d just been oblivious to how she felt, and she just realized it then. Well, Anna realized it first, but still. 

“Got it!” Maren exclaimed. “Oh, it’s also not as far away as I thought. Seven minute walk, that’s good.”

They arrived at the restaurant, which looked crisp and modern, and still had grand opening signs in front. There were a few other people inside, scattered around different tables. They got a table, towards the back of the restaurant fairly quickly and sat down. 

“I think I’m going to get the french toast,” Elsa said to the waitress who came to take their order. She flashed a grin at Maren. 

“I’m going with pancakes,” Maren said, and they handed away their menus and thanked the waitress. 

“French toast is just- that’s just my mood today, y’know?” Elsa grinned, and Maren rolled her eyes. She didn’t tell Maren, but it was what she always got for her birthday.  _ Traditions. _ Her eyes shot to the fork she was twirling around in her fingers.  _ Yay.  _

“You okay, Elsa?” Maren said, and Elsa chuckled, setting the fork down. She cleared her throat.

“I’m fine,” she glanced at the table before looking back up at Maren. “Just… tired,” she smiled.

“It’s early,” Maren said, concern laced across her gaze. “Are you sure you’re good?”

Elsa sniffed.  _ Get a grip, you’re not seven. You can handle people forgetting your birthday.  _ “Guess I didn’t sleep very well,” she shrugged. Their food came shortly after and it stalled much further conversation as the two of them ate.  _ Happy birthday to me,  _ Elsa thought grimly as she cut into her brunch.  _ Shut up, stop being so pathetic.  _ She shook her head.

“Elsa?” Maren said, wiping her face and waving for a check as they both finished their last bites. 

“Yes?” Elsa looked up. 

“I- uh, need to tell you something. In private, preferably. Maybe we could go on a walk?”

Elsa’s heart drummed.  _ She’s not going to say she doesn't like me anymore, is she? _ That would suck. She blinked a couple of times while her brain tried to get a coherent sentence out of her mouth. “Yuh, I mean- yes, sure.” 

They paid and walked outside, and Elsa followed Maren, soon finding herself at the park where they’d first met.  _ Seems so long ago- it kind of has been a while.  _ “So, what did you need to tell me?”

Maren bit her lip, looking slightly uncomfortable, and Elsa’s heart pounded in her ears. 

“I guess, I guess I should have been more open about this. I mean, well- I mean, you were to me? But I don’t know. I couldn't bring myself to be, to talk,” she shook her head. “To say anything. Every time I tried, I couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth.”

Elsa cocked her head in confusion. “What are you trying to say?”

Maren took a deep breath. “I’m graysexual, Elsa. In between allosexual or I guess, not-ace, and ace.” 

_ Oh thank the gods…  _ Elsa laughed out loud. “That’s it?!” she exclaimed, and shook her head at Maren’s surprised and slightly wounded look. “No, I didn’t mean it that way! Sorry,” she said sheepishly. “That’s just not what I thought you were going to say.”

“What did you think?” Maren’s eyes widened at all of the things Elsa could have thought.

“I thought-” Elsa broke off, and shook her head. “It doesn't matter.”

“Okay?” Maren questioned, and Elsa shook her head. 

“Really,” she said. “I promise you that it’s nothing,” Elsa grimaced at how obvious she had made it, that she had clearly thought something… well, Maren would know by the end of that day. Hopefully. If Elsa could work up enough courage to actually ask her to stay. She sighed, picking at her nails. “It’s funny to think that we wouldn't have met each other-”  _ wouldn't have fallen in love, either,  _ Elsa thought, but the words didn't leave her mouth. “-If I hadn’t bumped into you a little over six months today.”

“Yeah,” Maren smiled wistfully, and bit her lip as she stared into space. 

“Mare?” Elsa said, and Maren’s stomach lurched at the nickname coming out of Elsa’s lips. No one,  _ no one,  _ not even  _ Ryder,  _ was allowed to call her that. And yet.

It sounded so perfect spilling off of Elsa’s tongue. 

Elsa laughed quietly. “ I have no idea if you like that nickname or not, it hasn't ever crossed my mind before. It kind of just… slipped out?”

Maren grinned uncontrollably. The feeling her name on Elsa’s lips gave her was beautiful, and caraveable. Chills ran down her spine, and she shivered slightly. “No, I like it,” she said, her voice low. Elsa smiled.

“Okay, then, Mare.”

Maren caught herself before she swooned. 

* * *

~7 hours later, 6:30PM

“Maren?” Elsa said, her ponytail swishing across her back as they walked in the cooling air. It was nearly pitch black, and they were heading back to Elsa’s house.

“Mhm?”

“I- maybe this is the wrong time to ask? But if you’d like you can stay the night,” Elsa bit her lip, hopeful and yet dreading her response. Fear and doubt swirled in the pit of her stomach. 

“I’d love to,” Maren said, and Elsa was caught by a temporary sensation of elation and relief.  _ Are you even sure you can manage to ask her?  _ She shook her head, tugging on the tips of her hair. She would do her best, at least. That would be worth it. 

_ Despite being forgotten,  _ she thought, and her heart sank.  _ This was a pretty good day.  _ Maren’s phone flashed on and she quickly typed something before she shoved it back in her pocket.

“Sorry, that was Ry,” she laughed, shaking her head. “He always has to check on his ‘little sister,’” she rolled her eyes. “By seventeen minutes!” 

Elsa laughed. “I always worry about Anna, though, I guess it’s a bit irrational- she’s an adult, and I do trust her,” she shrugged. “I guess I just want to be the big sister I never got the chance to be.” 

“Aw,” Maren cooed, slinging one arm over Elsa’s shoulders and pulling her close. Elsa stumbled into her side, and Maren grinned at her. Elsa stood up, and grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her to her doorway. 

“We’re here,” she announced, pulling out her keys. 

“Five, four, three-” Maren muttered under her breath. 

“Maren? Are you counting down?”

“What!? No,” Maren crossed her arms over her chest. Elsa shrugged, and opened the door. 

“-Two, one-” 

“-SURPRISE!!!” The lights shot on to reveal all of Elsa’s family- and Ryder- scattered around the room. Anna stood wearing a party hat and blowing on a party horn next to a pile of presents. Streamers hung from the ceiling, and in the center of the room was Kristoff, who was cutting a large light blue cake. Rapunzel and Eugene sat near a box of pizza on her coffee table, and Ryder sat somewhat awkwardly on the back of her couch, like he was in the process of sliding off when they walked in. Elsa blinked, taking it all in. 

“You did all this for me?” she asked slowly, and her voice squeaked on the last words. She sniffed and rubbed her eyes.

“Of course,” Anna said, tossing her arm around Elsa’s back. “We love you.”

Elsa blinked back tears that were on the verge of falling and wiped her nose on her sleeve. ‘I thought you’d forgotten about me,” she admitted quietly. 

“Forgotten about you?” Anna exclaimed. “We would never! Come here,” she pulled Elsa into a hug and soon the rest of her family joined in the group hug. It was suffocating, the pressure and warmth of all of those bodies around her, but it was a good type of suffocating; the one that made her realize that she was cared about, and that people  _ noticed  _ her, and she  _ existed  _ and she  _ mattered.  _ She melted into the warmth of her loved ones, brushing away tears and swallowing the lump in her throat. 

After everyone let go of her, she turned to Maren. “Were you in on this?”

“Of course!” Maren laughed. “It was my job to distract you all day so they could get this set up,” she grinned. “Did I do a good job?” 

“Pretty good, I guess,” Elsa grinned. 

“Pizza!” Eugene said, thrusting a paper plate at Elsa. She took a bite and beamed at her cousin. Soon, everyone was laughing, shoving pizza down their throats- metaphorically; except for Ryder and Kristoff who were literally doing so. In the past six months, they had become pretty good friends as Ryder’s attraction to Kristoff faded. 

“Anna?” she asked quietly, trotting up to her sister.

“Mhm?” Anna grinned, taking a large bite of her pizza.

“Can we talk?” Elsa asked, and she quickly looked around the room for Maren. “Alone,” she added quickly. 

“Of course,” Anna said, setting her paper plate down on the table. “Let’s go find somewhere private,” she grabbed Elsa’s hand and pulled her up the stairs to the guest bedroom. “I don’t think they’ll look for us here.” 

Elsa sat down on the bed and Anna eagerly jumped onto it next to her. “It’s about you-know-who, isn’t it?” she asked, rubbing her hands together. Elsa glared at her. 

‘Yes, now shh,” she said, biting her lip nervously. “What do I do?” she wrung her hands. “I’m so nervous,” she admitted quietly. Her heart pounded in her ears. “What do I say? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I can’t do it? Where do I say it? Do I have to do something special? Do I-”

“Elsa,” Anna said gently, cutting her off. 

* * *

“Have you guys seen Elsa?” Maren asked Kristoff and Ryder next. Elsa had disappeared along with Anna at least five minutes ago- that was when Maren noticed, at least- and it made her feel uneasy. Disappearing from your own birthday without a trace was so much like elsa, and yet- nothing like her as well. She would have at least told Maren if she was going to go somewhere… right? 

“She’s probably in her room,” Kristoff shrugged, and Ryder shook his head. 

“Maren, she’s a grown adult who can take care of herself,” he said. 

“I know, I know,” Maren sighed. ‘Look, I’m going to go see if she’s upstairs and make sure she’s okay if she is,” Kristoff shrugged again, and Ryder rolled his eyes.

“Like I said, she’s a-”

“-Grown adult who can take care of herself, I know-”

“-Yes, but- you know what, never mind. Go check on your friend,” Ryder patted her back. Maren rolled her eyes, and took off to the stairs. 

“Elsa?” she said softly, pushing open Elsa’s bedroom door. She frowned. Elsa wasn’t in there. She walked out again, pulling the door closed when she heard voices coming from the guest bedroom down the hallway. They were faint, and from there she couldn’t make out the words, but she recognized Elsa’s voice. She walked slowly down the hall so as to not make noise.  _ Should you be doing this?  _ the logical side of her brain asked, but she ignored it. 

“Elsa,” Anna’s voice said quietly, breaking Elsa off from a frantic collage of sentences that Maren hadn’t heard clearly enough to figure out. Maren’s heart pounded as her fist rested less than an inch from the door. She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous. 

“Tell Maren,” Anna continued, and Maren's hand shot to her side as she held in a gasp of surprise at hearing her name. “That you want to fuck her,” Anna continued.

Maren nearly fainted from surprise. Her head pounded in a dizzying way, and her brain wasn’t able to form any coherent thoughts. She took off down the hall, as fast and as quietly as she could, but not before hearing Elsa’s response. 

“I like her,” Elsa said. “I do, but not like that. I don’t want  _ that  _ with her.” 

Maren ran into the nearest room- the bathroom, and leaned against the cool wall. She raised a palm to her forehead, and groaned. Yes, she liked Elsa, and yes, all she wanted was for Elsa to like her back… but she hadn’t imagined… that she’d find out like  _ that.  _

_ Like what?  _ Her brain asked.  _ Snooping?  _ She rolled her eyes, and cupped her hands under the faucet. She took a long sip from her palms and shook her head to clear her thoughts. Once her thoughts cleared, she was nearly knocked back by an overwhelming sense of excitement. Was this normal? She worried that it wasn't.

Oh gods, Elsa liked her back. 

* * *

Elsa and Anna soon returned to the living room, where the rest of the party guests were. Thankfully, no one seemed to have noticed they were gone- and if they did, no one seemed to care. Anna clapped her hands after making sure that the last of the pizza had disappeared and everyone had finished eating and chatting, and Kristoffing and Rydering, and whatever. “Okay, so presents then cake, or cake then presents?” Elsa looked around waiting for someone to answer. She blushed, realizing all eyes were on her and looked at her palms. 

“I don’t care,” she mumbled. 

“Thanks for the help in decision-making,” Anna said sarcastically. She rolled her eyes. “Okay, I’ll decide. I choose... cake then presents!” Kristoff jumped up. “Yes, Kristoff,” Anna said tiredly, handing him a cake knife. “You can ‘impress’ everyone with your ‘amazing’ cake cutting skills.”

He cut a few fairly-large slices, handing the first slice- complete with a candle, of course- to Elsa, and a slice to everyone else. Rapunzel turned off the lights, and Anna lit the candle. Elsa buried her face in her free palm when everyone started singing. 

_ “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to-” _

“Oh gods, make it stop,” Elsa muttered. 

_ “Happy birthday dear Elsa, happy birthday to you!!!”  _

“Go on! Make a wish!” Ryder and Maren chanted, and Elsa glared at them before blowing out the candle. Everyone cheered. 

“I swear, are you guys three?” Elsa muttered, and tried to frown but couldn’t keep a grin off her face. “Thank you, for all of this,” she gestured to the whole room. “It means a lot.”

“It’s what family is for,” Ryder grinned, wrapping his free arm around Elsa’s shoulder.  _ Family…. Does this mean Ryder and Maren consider me family?  _ She smiled. 

Everyone ate their cake- it was mint chip ice cream- and then settled down again as they all gathered around the center of the room where Anna had brought the presents. 

“Presents time!” Kristoff cheered, and Elsa shot him a quizzical look and he sat sheepishly back down. “Sorry, I’m just… really excited,” he assured her quickly. Elsa shrugged, and shot a look at Maren, who was looking a little pale.

“You okay?” she mouthed, and Maren gave her two thumbs up, grinning. 

“Kay, the first present is…” Anna said, and everyone shut up and looked at her. She laughed. “You guys are like a class of kindergarteners!” Eugene glared at her, and she rolled her eyes. “This one,” she groaned, picking up a well-wrapped package and handing it carefully to Elsa.

Elsa wasn’t expecting it to be so heavy, but it was. She frowned. “Should I be worried about the weight?” she asked.

“No!” Anna grinned. “It’s from me and Kristoff,” she said. “We promise we didn’t give you like… a human child.” 

“Funny how that was the first thing you thought of,” Elsa’s eyebrow shot up and Anna scowled at her. 

“We promise!” 

Elsa shrugged and carefully unwrapped the box. “Oh wow,” she whispered, dragging her fingers across the fabric of the weighted blanket they had given her. To help with her anxiety and sleep issues. She sniffed. 

“Do you like it?” Anna asked nervously. Elsa nodded vigorously. 

“Thank you,” she said quietly, setting the box to the side. “Means a lot,” she managed. Anna grinned. 

The next was a smaller box, from Ryder. She rolled her eyes at his gift, and he huffed defensively. She laughed. He’d given her a mug that read ‘I have the coolest friend named Ryder,’ she set it to the side, shaking her head. 

“I feel like I could’ve done better,” Maren muttered, handing her her gift. She had gotten her a sketchbook, fancy colored pencils, and some new sculpting tools. 

“I- no, wow, thanks,” Elsa said, staring at the new sculpting tools. She had been meaning to get herself some, hers were getting old, and these were fancier anyway. She grinned at Maren and set the gift to the side in the pile of her other gifts. “That was a great gift,” she reassured her. Maren shrugged. 

Rapunzel got her a pile of new books by an author she liked, and Eugene got her a book on how to get good at charades along with a charades board game. 

“I hate you,” she muttered, and everyone laughed. He put his hands up defensively. 

“It’s not my fault you suck at charades and it’s the only game any of us know how to play!”

“That’s not true!” Elsa said, playfully glaring at him. “I’m very good at Twister and Clue!”

“Precisely,” Anna laughed. “We can’t have you beating us every time.”

“Very funny, haha,” Elsa glared at her next. “So you choose the one game I suck at to play every time?”

“Exactly!” Eugene exclaimed, and Elsa cracked up. 

“Thank you, guys. All of you,” she grinned. 

“As I said before,” Ryder said. “It’s what family is for!” 

After about ten minutes, Maren had explained to Ryder that she was spending the night, gotten him to leave, and Eugene and Rapunzel had filed out as well. They had a longer trip to go than the rest. Anna stretched, standing up. “Let me get my stuff, and then Kristoff? Are you going to be ready?” 

“I- yes! Actually, no,” He frowned and turned to Elsa. “Just one thing, before I'll be ready.”

Anna turned to Elsa and shrugged, before leaving to go grab their belongings. 

“Elsa? Can I talk to you, outside, preferably? Or somewhere private,” Kristoff asked quietly.

Elsa nodded, and slipped on a sweatshirt before stepping outside. Kristoff followed. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, worried. She shivered, and wrapped her arms around herself. 

“Are you cold?” Kristoff asked nervously. “Because we can go back inside.’

“I’m fine,” Elsa asserted. “What do you need to tell me?”

Kristoff handed her a light package. “I wasn't sure if you’d want to open this in front of everyone or not,” he said. Elsa looked at him, confused, and he sighed, gesturing to the gift. “Open it.”

Elsa tore off the paper, and sucked in a gasp. She turned to Kristoff, the moonlight glimmering on the tears on her eyelashes. He pulled her into a hug, and she let out a strangled sob. He could have given it to her earlier, she was out to everyone there. The previous month, she'd come out to her cousins. It had taken her five months to work up the courage again, bu the worth she felt when it went well and they accepted her with loving, open arms- it was worth it. Elsa was glad though, that he'd waited, because if he hadn't she would probably have broken down in front of everyone.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and hugged him tighter. “So much.”

He’d given her a lesbian pride flag. 

* * *

They walked inside, and Elsa quickly went up to her bedroom and placed the flag on her dresser before going to the bathroom and splashing water on her face. She went back downstairs, and Anna and Kristoff were just about to leave.

“Thank you,” she said, and looked pointedly at Kristoff. She turned to Anna. “For everything.” 

“We love you!” Anna said, and Elsa waved goodbye as they left.    
  


“Love you too,” she said, as the door closed. 

She turned to Maren. 

“Hi,” Maren said, and Elsa blushed, turning her head away. 

“Hey.”

“So,” Maren said, tapping her foot on the floor. “What do you want to do?” 

“I-um,” Elsa shifted her feet. “Do you like climbing trees?” she asked suddenly. 

‘I- yes, why?”

“Come with me,” Elsa grinned, and it was infectious, and so Maren couldn't help but grin as well. She followed Elsa to the back of her house, and Elsa handed her her coat from the radiator. She tugged it on, it was warm, very warm- and she settled into the warmth. Elsa pulled on a light blue coat this time. They walked into Elsa’s backyard, and in her yard she had a magnificently large tree in her yard. Maren picked up a leaf from the ground and looked at it for a second.

“Maple?” she guessed, judging by the shape of the leaf. 

Elsa nodded. “You looked at the leaves?” 

Maren nodded, then frowned as Elsa hoisted herself up on a lower-hanging branch. “Are you sure climbing in the dark is the best idea?”

“No,” Elsa grunted. “But it’s fun,” she said, as she lifted a leg over a higher branch. “Come on up,” she grinned down at Maren from a high branch. Maren grimaced. As much as she wanted to climb up the tree, if Elsa were to take one wrong step… Well, Maren preferred to not think about what could happen if she wasn’t on the ground to catch her. 

“I’m content on the ground, thank you very much.” 

“Are you scared?” Elsa asked sincerely. 

“Well, no, not of climbing. But if you were to fall,” Maren shuddered. “And if I wasn't on the ground if you did…” 

“Oh,” Elsa sighed. “I’ll come down, then. We can figure out other stuff to do.”

“You don’t have- please be careful,” Maren pleaded as she saw Elsa swing her leg over onto a lower branch. 

Elsa made it to the ground safely,  _ thank the gods _ , and turned to Maren. 

“See,” she said, brushing off her jeans. “I’m okay.” 

Maren crossed her arms over her chest. “Please promise me you’re not going to do that again.” 

Elsa shook her head. “If it bothers you so much, I won’t. Promise,” she said earnestly, and looked into Maren’s eyes. Maren felt a jolt of electricity run down her spine. She shook it off.  _ Kiss her,  _ she thought. 

She shook that off too. 

“Okay, thank you,” Maren said. She shook her head, laughing. “Though, to be honest- if this was Ryder and I, I'd be up that tree in half a minute to spite him. He’d be the one yelling for me to get down, and I’d only keep going higher.” Elsa smiled, shaking her head slightly. 

“And yet,” Maren continued, taking a shaky half-step closer to Elsa. “When it’s someone I care about the way I care about you,” she looked at the ground. “I couldn't stand to see you hurt yourself,” she shook her head. “Not that I don’t care about Ryder! It’s just- sibling relationships are different than-” she stopped herself before saying  _ romantic relationships.  _ “Than friendships.” 

“They are,” Elsa agreed. “And you aren’t so bad yourself,” she poked between her shoulder blades, causing Maren to straighten right up and stick her tongue out. “Let’s go in,” Elsa said, her shoes scuffing at the dirt, her heart pounding. 

_ “You can do this,”  _ Anna had said. So she would try. 

“Hot chocolate?” she offered as soon as they got back inside. Maren nodded. 

_ Gods, I don’t think I can handle this any longer.  _

“Els-” Maren began, but she stopped and shook her head. 

“Yeah?” Elsa responded, bringing her a warm mug. Maren took it, and sat down on a chair at Elsa’s table. Her heart pounded loudly enough that she was sure Elsa could hear it.

“Never mind.”

“Okay,” Elsa sighed, her fingernails drumming the handle of her mug. 

“I need to tell you something,” Elsa said, and she looked at Maren, her eyes wide.

_ Oh. She’s scared of how I’m going to respond.  _ Maren furrowed her brows.  _ Wouldn’t you be?  _

“Of course,” she said smoothly.  _ Should I tell her that I heard her conversation with Anna?  _ Maren shook her head. 

“I-” Elsa started, and then her eyes widened even more. She made a little choking sound in the back of her throat as she tried to say something more. “I can’t do this,” she said quickly, and Maren heard her rapid, shallow breaths. She stood up, and walked away. “I’m sorry Maren, you need to go.”

Maren shot up.  _ Tell her.  _ She walked slowly to Elsa, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Elsa went stiff, her breaths trembling. Elsa’s heart beat rapidly against the side of Maren’s ribcage. Maren held in a sigh, taking her arm away. “Elsa,” she said quietly. Her thoughts raced.  _ Do I tell her that I know? Or that she can tell me anything, and I won’t judge. I mean- clearly I wouldn't- Maren.  _ “I know,” she blurted out, surprising herself. 

Elsa jumped back. “You- what?”

Maren sighed. “I may have… overheard your and Anna’s conversation… earlier,” she muttered. Maren took a deep breath, watching as Elsa took a shuddery one. 

“You did,” she said flatly. 

Maren nodded, picking at the skin on her thumb. 

“Oh gods, you did,” Elsa sniffed. 

“Hey,” Maren said, crouching down and pulling her into a hug. “Look,” she whispered. “I don’t know if you were scared to tell me, if you thought I would judge you- but I don’t. Judge you, that is. And I won't. Not now, not ever. Okay?”

Elsa nodded against Maren’s shoulder. Maren laughed dryly. “And I’m madly, hopelessly in love with you, just so you know,” she said, planting a kiss on the part of Elsa’s hair. Elsa laughed lightly, and relaxed into Maren’s arms, looking up at her. She smiled, and Maren held her tighter. 

“Elsa,” Maren whispered, her thumb brushing just under Elsa’s eye. She groaned. “Oh gods, Elsa, I feel like if I don’t kiss you right now I’m going to explode.”

Elsa stood up, and offered Maren a hand. Maren took it, and stood up. Her face was inches away from Elsa’s. 

“Kiss me then,” Elsa whispered, reaching a hand over Maren’s shoulder and resting it on her back. Maren doubtfully reached around her waist, relieved when Elsa leaned in. Elsa blinked, her breaths shallow still, and they clouded onto Maren’s face. Maren reached her other hand to Elsa’s cheek and stroked it. Elsa’s grip on her shoulder tightened, and she wrapped her other hand around Maren’s neck. 

Maren’s fingers danced across the pale skin of Elsa’s cheek, and Elsa leaned into her touch. 

“You’re beautiful,” Maren whispered, her voice hitched on a sob of joy. Elsa smiled. Their faces were only a little over an inch apart. 

“Thank you,” she said raspily. “So are you,” she said, her pupils wide with adoration. Maren smiled, her stomach churning with anticipation. 

Maren reached her hand around from Elsa’s cheek to the back of her head, stroking her neck with her thumb. Maren pulled Elsa’s face closer to hers, and Elsa gasped slightly, her eyelids fluttering, and then… closing. 

A hum began in the back of Maren’s throat. “Elsa,” she whispered, too quietly for even Elsa to hear. She pulled Elsa’s hips closer to hers, and soon after- her lips. 

Maren leaned into Elsa’s lips, and Elsa sighed into her mouth. Maren’s lips buzzed with desire, her tongue flitting across the inside of her mouth. She shuddered, a jolt running through her spine. “Oh gods, Elsa-” she whispered, and pulled her closer.

Elsa pulled back for half a second, her hand moving to Maren’s collar bone and her fingertips brushed across it. “Mare,” she sighed, leaning back into the kiss. Marin melted at the nickname.

Maren’s teeth grazed the inside of Elsa’s lower lip, her tongue brushing it. She reluctantly sucked on Elsa’s lip, slowly leaning away for air. 

“Elsa-” she started, and her voice broke as she choked on her emotions. She leaned away, her hands moving up to the small of Elsa’s back. She rocked Elsa there, swaying back and forth. They had all and no time, all the time they needed and yet- not enough- but they had all they needed, they had each other. They danced their way, slowly, and staring into each other’s eyes, to Elsa’s couch. Maren pushed Elsa onto the couch, reluctantly pulling away from her, and curling up next to her instead. Elsa sighed as Maren stroked her cheek.

“Hmm,” she breathed, leaning into Maren. Maren’s leg slowly moved up her’s until it rested in her lap. She rested her head on Maren’s shoulder.

“Mare,” she whispered. “What does this make us?”

Maren’s hand brushed her cheek, and she stared lovingly into Elsa’s eyes. She breathed in, closing her eyes momentarily, and sighed, leaning closer to Elsa. “Whatever you want us to be,” she breathed, pulling Elsa in for another kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heh


	15. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Thursday, and you know what that means-
> 
> crappy update day

“Okay, so I was thinking that we go ice skating, then dinner, then karaoke, and then stargazing in my yard-”

“Elsa, slow down. Start from the beginning again, please.”

Elsa took a deep breath, calming her racing heart rate. “After my birthday-”

“No, I know. I get that part. Start from the middle, I guess,” Anna placed a reassuring hand on Elsa’s back. They were sitting on the floor of her living room, discussing Elsa and Maren’s first date, and everything else. 

“So now we’re going on a date, and we’re- I’m going on a date, oh gods-” Elsa’s face paled. “Okay, so we’re going on a date and I have no clue what I’m doing. But I was thinking that we go ice skating, then have dinner, then go back to my place and do karaoke, and then stargazing in my yard, or just lay outside, if it’s not like, precipitating-”

“No one says precipitating. And, that’s uh, unnecessarily extravagant, Elsa.”

Elsa breathed out heavily, her eyes wide. “Is that bad?”

“Elsa, my dear sister who has no idea how to court someone, most normal people just do one of those things. Ice skating, dinner, karaoke, or stargazing. At most two of them. Also, Elsa, breathe. You’re okay. C’mon, one two three four, out two three four.”

Elsa closed her eyes, rubbing her temples as she struggled slightly to breathe. “So then what do I do?”

“Go ice skating, then have dinner. Just have dinner! I don’t know, Maren’s not my girlfriend.”

Elsa glared at her. “Okay, okay. I like the idea of karaoke- do you still have that old machine? And if you do, can I borrow it?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Okay, so what about dinner then karaoke?” Elsa’s eyes went wide, her finger drumming against her leg. Anna noticed that, and gently took Elsa’s hand. 

“That sounds nice,” Anna said tenderly. “Elsa, I know you’re nervous, but remember, Maren’s not in this for the dates, she’s in this for you.” 

“Do you think she’d like that?” Elsa asked, having not paid any attention to Anna’s previous statement. Anna groaned.

“Oh come on! I just gave you the best dating advice I’ve ever given to anyone, in my life, and you weren't even listening!” 

“I- What?”

“Nothing, nothing. And yes, I think Maren will like that. I think she’d like anything because she gets to be with you,” Anna said through gritted teeth. 

“Okay. Thanks,” Elsa sniffled, resting her head on her sister’s shoulder. Anna took the end of her braid, stroking her fingers through it. 

“Hey, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed,” she said, stroking away a tear from Elsa’s cheek before it had the chance to fall. “Especially when these feelings are new, they're scary, Elsa. And it’s okay to feel scared by them,” she pulled Elsa closer to her. “And it’s okay to be scared of messing it up, and it’s okay to be overwhelmed by the future. You just have to keep moving.” 

Elsa nodded slightly. “How?” she whispered so quietly, Anna could barely hear. 

“Think about it like this. You’re at the bottom of a deep pool, and there's all this water above you and around you. If you don’t want to die-”

“If you’re comparing this to a relationship, it’s not working, because last time I checked, most relationships don’t end with death.”

“No, I'm comparing it to life, duh. Anyway, if you don’t want to die, you have to keep pushing to the top of the pool. You have to keep swimming. Elsa, there’s always going to be something scary, but you have to push through it. Just keep swimming.” 

“What a way to make someone feel better,” Elsa joked flatly and sniffed. 

“I’m sorry! Did that make you feel worse? I didn't mean to!”

“No, Anna, it's okay. I love you,” Elsa wrapped her arms around her little sister, who did the same to her. 

“I love you too.” 

Maren’s hand was warm on the small of her back, a reassuring warmth that reminded her that she was okay, and kept her heart from beating out of her chest. The bench they sat had a plaque, dedicating it to someone who had spent their life cleaning up and taking care of the park, even though it wasn’t their job. If Elsa were to ever be remembered for something so wholesome like that, she would want something more than a bench to remember her by. It feels like a waste of memory, to just put it somewhere where pretty much all is going to happen is have couples make out- it was like having sex on a grave or something, Elsa figured, while Maren’s lips were hot on hers. She blushed, her cheeks growing hot. They met up twenty minutes ago, for an hour before their dinner- and of course, it ended up like this, a walk, the park- kissing- there was almost no light left since they’d gotten a late reservation for dinner. Her conversation with Anna the week before was still fresh in her mind, still new- like a cut that took long to heal. It still worried her, the change, these feelings, they weren't something that she’d ever felt before, and that utterly terrified her. 

“Are you okay?” Maren pulled away and whispered, tracing a finger across Elsa’s jawline. Elsa opened her mouth to say something, and quickly closed it again as she couldn’t put anything to words, and simply shook her head. Maren shifted to sit more next-to-Elsa, and less on top of her. “Do you want to talk about it?” Elsa rested her chin on her palm, her eyes flitting from the ground and back up, and then to Maren’s face. 

Elsa shook her head again. “Later. Maybe,” she sighed. “Not now.”

“Okay baby,” Maren shrugged, scooching closer to Elsa. “If you want to, whenever you do, we can.” 

Elsa turned to her swiftly, the look in her eyes stormy and sharp in a way that Maren could only describe as cutting. "Why," she began, her tongue curling around the word like she was tasting it. "Why do you want me? I don't deserve you." 

"Oh, Elsa," Maren wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "But you do, you see. You deserve more than me, more than I can give you. You deserve a sea, and I can only give you a fish, the sky, and I can only give you a cloud. You deserve the world, and I can only give you a penny, my dear." 

Elsa's face twisted with some sort of agony, before returning to a neutral state. "I don't-" she started, before her chest tightened and she couldn't finish her thought. "I don't," she tried again, and Maren pulled her close. 

"Take your time," she whispered. 

"No one's ever said something like that to me," Elsa said, her chest throbbing slightly with an emptiness that longed to be filled, a worry. 

“Well,” Maren blinked. Three words danced on her tongue, but she couldn’t bring herself to say them. It wasn’t the right time, the right place. Not there, not yet. “You deserved it, and just because someone hasn’t said something like that, doesn’t make that any less true,” she settled on.

Elsa gave her a smile and then stood up, offering Maren her hand. 

“Let’s go to dinner.”

They walked slowly so the short walk took marginally longer since The Kingdom’s Guard was only across the block. It only took them about five minutes, and then they were being seated. Most of the waitstaff knew them very well, except for some of the newer ones. 

“Elsa! Ooh, Maren!” Mattias said joyously, coming over to give them menus. “Hot date?” he winked, and Elsa went bright red, while Maren laughed. 

“Maybe,” Elsa muttered. Maren feigned shock like she was bothered by Elsa’s embarrassed response. 

"What do you mean, maybe?" She asked in a mock-annoyed tone. Turning to Mattias, she grinned. "This is my girlfriend, she's amazing, I know-"

Elsa buried her face in her palms. "Shut up..." 

"Are you embarrassed?" Mattias joked, a grin on his face. 

Elsa groaned, covering her face in her arms as she placed her head on the table. 

“Okay, fine. Here are your menus… and the specials tonight are smoked salmon with vegetables and mushroom risotto.”

“Thank you, Mattias,” Elsa said, giving him a half-hearted glare.

Maren exaggeratedly sipped from her water, batting her eyes at Elsa. Elsa groaned, glaring at her girlfriend- her beautiful girlfriend. Embarrassing as it was to admit, Maren’s exaggerated flirting was… kind of working? Elsa groaned. 

“Jeg er ikke glad, Maren. Ikke glad- vennligst stopp!” 

“I have no clue on this planet what you’re saying, so I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing,” Maren said with an overdone hair flip. 

“Maren…”

“Elsa, je suis ta petite amie, et je vais faire que je veux, comme montrant mon amour pour toi,” Maren smirked, with a look in her eyes that said everything. 

“Maren, jeg advarer deg-”

“Elsa, what the fuck are we doing?” Maren laughed, and Elsa stopped mid-sentence to give her a wide-eyed stare as she processed what Maren was saying. She blinked a few times.

_ “Ohhh-” _ she finally exclaimed once she understood what Maren had said. “Sorry, for a second I completely forgot English. To answer your question- I have no idea.”

Maren laughed, and Elsa soon joined her. 

The rest of their dinner went well, or as well as Elsa could have expected, despite the constant teasing from Mattias and Maren’s exaggerated flirting, causing Elsa to leave the restaurant with a quite-possibly permanent blush on her face. 

They made their way back to Elsa’s house, amused and slightly-flirty-on-both-ends chatter floating through the air.

“I found an old karaoke machine and discs and stuff that we could do if you wanted, or we could just chill,” Elsa said while she was unlocking her door. 

“Oh! I haven’t done karaoke in a long time,” Maren exclaimed. “I remember it being fun though, so if you wanted-”

“It’s also about you, Maren, whether you want to or not.” 

“I’d love to, Elsa, but I’m afraid I don’t have a great voice.”

“I don’t either. See, we’re just two peas in a pod.” 

“You’re so weird.”

Elsa shrugged. “You love it,” she flashed a grin to Maren as the door unlocked and the pair walked inside. 

“Maybe I do,” Maren whispered, walking up behind Elsa after taking off her coat and resting her chin on her shoulder, wrapping her arms around Elsa’s torso. Elsa turned around to face her, bringing their foreheads together. Maren hummed, closing her eyes as she leaned up a little to kiss her. 

Their lips stayed on each other's for a bit, Maren swaying Elsa around, Elsa’s hands brushing against Maren’s cheeks and Maren’s around Elsa’s back. The kiss deepened when Maren’s tongue entered Elsa’s mouth, and Elsa held in a yelp of surprise as it did. Maren stopped.

“Sorry! Are you okay?”

Elsa nodded, a little in-shock, and then shook her head.

“Yes? No?”

“No! Yes! No- keep going, I’m fine,” Elsa closed her eyes, reveling in the feel of Maren’s soft, warm lips against hers, her hands around her back. She felt safe, protected- like nothing could hurt her then because she was okay and Maren was there. 

One of Maren’s hands slipped to her waist, the top of her jeans, her finger hooking through a loop. The other went to the front of Elsa, brushing against her upper abdomen, lower rib. Elsa froze, her heart beating wildly. Maren started to feel like a suffocating weight on her mouth, tears of fear and desperation springing to her eyes. 

Maren pulled back. “Elsa,” she said sternly. “Are you okay?”

Elsa let out a heavy breath. “No! I don’t- I can’t- not that. But you want it! I don’t- I don’t- But!” she cried, unable to find the right words to express herself, or able to get them out of her mouth. “I can’t get my mouth to say what my brain wants,” she sniffed. 

“Elsa,” Maren said, hugging her. “If you don’t want sex that’s fine. It was my fault, okay? Hell, I don’t even really want it- it’s just automatic, I kind of spent a while watching others and figuring out how to make myself seem ‘normal.’ But guess what? I’m completely extraordinary,” she smirked. Elsa sniffed. “There's no such thing as normal, Elsa. Everyone is perfect in their own way.” 

“I don’t- You- I don’t- I can’t-” Elsa groaned.

“Norwegian?” Maren suggested with a hint of a smile at the corners of her lips. Elsa nodded. 

“Jeg vil ikke ha sex,” Elsa took a deep breath. “I don’t want it. But you do! I’m going to let you down-” 

“Elsa, a wise woman once told me  _ ‘It’s also about you, Maren, whether you want to or not,’ _ and I think that’s beautiful. It’s not just about what I want, because we’re in this together, okay?”

Elsa bit her lip and grinned slightly, and then nodded, sighing. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. C’mon, let’s go do some karaoke,” Maren gently took her hand, and let Elsa lead her to the karaoke machine she’d taken from Anna. 

“I think I can connect it to my phone,” Elsa said, searching around for a plug on the base. “Yeah, here I can. Any song requests?” She connected her phone to the machine and handed Maren one of the two microphones. “I know people usually go to places and do karaoke, but the idea of that made me feel… doesn’t matter, just that I’m sorry if this is kind of a let-down.”

“It’s more intimate,” Maren said. “Less drunk,” Elsa gave her a weak smile. 

“So… no song requests?”

“I don’t really care. We can skip it if we don’t know it.” 

“Mkay,” Elsa started the soundtrack and took the other mic. They had to skip the first two songs because neither of them had heard them before, but the third song was  _ Shallow _ , which, of course, they both knew. 

Elsa’s heart was pounding in her ears as she stood up and put the mic to her face.

“ _ I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in- I’ll never meet the ground! Crash through the-” _ she stopped when she realized Maren was staring at her, with an incomprehensible look on her face. “I told you, I don’t have a great voice,” she said quietly.

“No. Elsa, you literally have the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard. I can’t even- wow,” Maren shook her head. “You could totally get paid to sing at events and stuff,” Elsa’s heart sped up at the suggestion. She shook her head.

“No.”

“Well, why not?”

“Just no,” Elsa looked at the floor. The music was still playing in the background, except now it hurt, searing through Elsa’s ears into her brain. 

“Anxiety?” Maren asked, and Elsa looked up, in awe, at her. 

“I forgot how well you know me,” she shrugged. “Anyway, now you have to sing.”

Maren took the mic that she had left sitting on the couch, just in time for the next chorus to come on. “I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in- I’ll never meet the ground! Elsa… join me!”

They sang the next part together, and Maren gripped Elsa’s hand and they twirled around each other. 

_ “Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us, we’re far from the shallow now. In the shallow, shallow In the shallow, shallow…”  _

-

Maren pulled Elsa closer to her, as the last bit of the song was playing. “In the shallow, shallow…” she whispered, and then kissed Elsa, just as the last lyric played. 

_ “We’re far from the shallow now…”  _

With Elsa’s lips under her own, Elsa’s hand in hers, she knew.

Yeah, she was _ really _ far from the shallow… 

“Elsa…” she pulled her close. 

“Maren,” Elsa said. “That was fun.”

“What? The song or the kissing?”

“Both,” Elsa shrugged unashamed. “No one has ever…” she blinked. “Shown they like me like that, I guess? I guess it’s because I’ve never shown an interest…”

Maren giggled and kissed her lightly once more.

“About earlier? Can we talk?” Elsa asked.

“Of course. This is why you’re not okay, right?” _That was an awful way to put that,_ her brain screamed. _“Well, you came up with it-”_ she shot back. 

Elsa grimaced. “Yes, I guess. There wasn’t a better way to phrase that?”

“No, but you understood, at least,” Maren grinned, sitting next to her girlfriend. 

“I’m just- hm, overwhelmed. This is all too much, too fast, and everything’s changing. I don’t like change, not like this, not when it’s so fast-” she sniffled. Maren opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it, deciding to let Elsa speak her mind first. “During one of my really bad times, about a year and a half after our parents’ deaths, Anna took my hand while I was coming out of a panic attack, I was sobbing and screaming, and I couldn't think straight, I could barely breathe because of how stressed out I was by how quickly everything was changing- Anna had found Kristoff, Anna was moving in with him soon, life was becoming much more of a reality, and I couldn’t deal with it all. Anna took my hand and held it tight and told me that ‘Some things never change, like the feel of your hand in mine,’ and that helped. It helped me so much more than I think she ever realized. I could breathe, and although I could barely see because of how my vision was swimming around so badly, I could focus on Anna’s face, and she was there, and it was okay. And then, just a few months later, life became much more stable, and I was getting better, and Anna was getting better too. I got to know Kristoff, and now, he’s my best friend. And then, we were okay for a few years. And then, now, here you are, and I can’t cope with it all. I can’t cope with how I feel. I can’t cope, and Anna’s busy with wedding stuff and I’m an adult now, a real, twenty-five-year-old adult. And I shouldn’t be crawling back to my little sister every time something goes wrong. I just- can’t. I can’t,” she was sobbing now, holding a pillow to her stomach. Maren reached a hand out to put on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off. “Please. Just, please don’t touch me. I’ve probably hurt you enough already. I don’t want to hurt you more. Maybe you should leave.”

“Why should I?”

“Because I’m a fucking mess, I keep ruining everything for you, this was supposed to be a good night, and of course, of course, I ruined it. Again. Just like I always do.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. And you don’t always ruin everything. And you’ve never, ever, ruined anything for me. And this has been an amazing night. And I don’t want to leave you alone to deal with this.”

“Why? Shouldn’t you not want to get mixed up with my problems?” Elsa asked bitterly.

“First of all, that’s kind of my future job. And second of all, you’ve got a lot on your chest that you need to get off. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to help you. Wait, no, I’m also here to kiss you to make it better, I’m here to just be your girlfriend, I’m here to also be your best friend, I’m here to be here because I’m not in this for the  _ nights _ we spend together, I’m in this just to be  _ together _ . In the same room as you. Sitting on this couch with you. Listening to each other laugh and to each other cry. Hugging and kissing and just being ourselves. Because in the end, we won’t remember the specific nights. We’ll remember how we felt.” 

“And how’s that?”

“How’s what?”

“How do you feel?” 

"Well, like," Maren paused, tasting the words on her tongue, trying them out before she said them. They felt right, they fit. “Like…” These words, they felt like maybe they were like the final puzzle pieces to finding home. 

"I love you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading!


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey surprise!! a day early!
> 
> I feel like there should be a TW, but I don't know what. So, if you think I should put one here, please tell me!

“Okay, so you have to tell me everything!” Anna squealed, practically pulling her sister through the door frame. Elsa blinked, smiling sheepishly. She pinched the bridge of her nose and slightly embarrassed, shook her head. “What did you do?” Anna jumped up and shimmied her arms in front of her face, with a grin that could only be described as cat-like on her face. 

“Let me breathe,” Elsa groaned as she sat down on Anna’s couch, her sister soon following, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Maren had spent the night and then had to leave, unfortunately, at an early-ish hour, because Ryder had called with some ‘urgent’ matter and wouldn’t tell Maren what was happening. She reluctantly left with a promise to call Elsa later. So, with no other plans left, Elsa went to Anna’s house. The girl, of course, was overjoyed to hear about what they did and to spend time with Elsa. Anna beamed as she curled up next to Elsa. She’d picked up when Elsa had accidentally face-timed her instead of calling and pouted, complaining that she deserved more time with her sister and that Maren was hogging Elsa. 

“One date,” Elsa had groaned. “It’s been one date.”

“Soooo….” Anna waggled her eyebrows as she nestled into Elsa’s side. “What _did_ you do?” 

_“ANNA,”_ Elsa groaned. “Nothing like what you’re suggesting,” she made a disgusted face.”We just… had dinner and then went back to my place. Had an important conversation, did karaoke, and then completely wiped out. At least I did. I was tired, okay?” she asserted, half-heartedly glaring at her sister when Anna smirked, unconvinced. 

“You’re really going to tell me just that?” Anna pursed her lips, raising her eyebrows and shaking her head. “Details, dear sister! _Deeeetaiiiillllsss!”_ she made a weird, bad attempt at a chef’s kiss. Elsa pinched the bridge of her nose. 

“Is it really _everyone’s_ purpose in life to embarrass me?” Elsa’s cheeks were tinted with pink. “Okay, fine. We met up, went for a walk to the park as the sun was setting-”

“Ooh, romantic!”

“Shut up! -Anyway, then we went and had dinner,” she was not about to let Anna know about their half-sorta-make-out session-thing on the grave-bench-thing. Maybe she needed to up her vocabulary… “And Mattias _just had_ to tease us for the entire, I don’t know, hour or-so that we were there. And then we went back to my place and did karaoke. For like ten seconds. It was _Shallow._ Not that that matters. But you asked for details. And -oh. Then we talked about,” she blinked, turning away from Anna so she couldn’t see her face fall. “Stuff.”

“ _What_ stuff?”  
  


“Just-” she bit the inside of her cheek. “Feelings. I’ve never been too good with those. Expressing them in a healthy way, I mean. So uh, we talked about that one really bad time,” she looked back at Anna, hoping for a glimmer of recognition in the younger girl’s eyes. When she got a slight nod from her, she continued. “How I’m kind of scared about the rate at which things are changing,” she swallowed, curling into her sister as her chest clenched. “How it’s hard to cope with it all,” her voice was just above a shaky whisper. She shook her head. “Nevermind about that-”

“Elsa, but your feelings are important, you know. And we both know from experience the consequences of bottling them up. Remember how, after we ‘broke up,’ I told you how hopeless and lost I felt with _Hans,”_ her nose crinkled. “About how worthless he made me feel? Until then, I didn’t have the power to say anything, because I was so scared of what he could do. I thought that was _love,”_ her eyes glazed over. “But now I know what true love is. It’s being with people who care about you and who can put up with your little mistakes, who are proud of your accomplishments and grieve for even the smallest of your losses. But with Hans, I didn’t know that yet. ‘ _Love is an open door,’_ yeah, fuck that.”

Elsa knew that her sister didn’t get much chance to talk to anyone about Hans, no one liked hearing about him. While she knew that she did have the occasional conversation with Kristoff, it wasn’t nearly enough. That made her feel slightly guilty, it had to do a lot with how much Elsa needed to talk about _her_ problems, that she was kind-of hogging up the space for other people to talk about theirs. Anna stopped, blinking back to life and focusing on Elsa. 

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Are you in the right frame of mind to deal with this right now?” Elsa’s heart swelled with love for Anna, knowing how healthy it was for them on both parts for her to ask that question. She nodded. 

“And with him, all I was doing was sitting in my fear and my self-hatred and there wasn’t a way out of that seemingly bottomless pit. And then, when I was seventeen and you were nineteen, that was the year our parents died. In hindsight, they sucked at being parents. Especially dad. Mom should have done more. She shouldn’t have walked away on you. She should have noticed something was wrong with _me._ She should have done something. But she didn’t, so we both ended up in shitholes that people call lost childhoods. Yeah. We did,” she gulped. “Anyway, then, in my grief, in my loathing of everything about the world and myself, I realized that what Hans and I had, it wasn’t love. And I realized that if I could do one thing to lighten the weight on my chest, I could get away from him. So I did. It was messy and hell, right now, _I’m_ not in the right frame of mind to go into the details. But it was messy. But I got away. And you got away. And we met Kristoff. And here we are now,” she whispered. “I love this life. I love you. I love Kristoff, I love all of my friends. I think, though, the most important thing for me to know right now, is that I. Fucking. Love. Myself. I do,” she was sobbing now, as was Elsa, their tears mingling as they dripped onto the couch. Elsa’s eyes burned, her throat sore with the effort to not cry out. Her tears dripped silently down her chin and onto Anna's hair. 

“And that’s amazing,” Anna finished and sniffed, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “Most people can’t say that about themselves. But that’s what I’ve learned, through Hans. I’ve learned to love the little things. I’ve learned to appreciate what I have. And I do. Wholeheartedly.” 

“Anna,” Elsa whispered, the gaping hole she felt in her chest now eating her up. The fear, that although Maren assured her not to worry about, she still did. Anna sat up and turned her head to face Elsa. “Anna,” Elsa said again. “She told me she loved me.” 

Anna beamed. “That’s adorable.”

Elsa frowned. “But I said, or rather, I froze up and she reassured me that it was okay to not be able to say that back to her. Not yet. But what if, I like, offended her? We were going to spend the day together. What if I ruined that?” 

“I don’t think you did. You’ve dated for what, two weeks? And she’d liked you since you guys fucking met. So that’s been like, six and a half months. And she knew what she was saying. She’s not dumb, you know.”  
  


Elsa smiled, a lone tear dripping off her nose. “I know.” 

“She’s fine. You’re fine. Come on, let’s get sodas from the kitchen. I’m really craving an Orangina. Or a chocolate fudge soda.”

“Ooh! You have some?”

“Have you even met me?” Anna joked, pulling her sister to her fridge. Elsa rolled her eyes. Anna pulled out two cans of soda and gave one to Elsa. “Oh, we didn’t even have Orangina,” she laughed and added it to the whiteboard where they kept a list of groceries they needed to get and wanted to get. The sisters sat down at her table. Elsa popped open her soda as her phone buzzed. _Probably Maren,_ she thought, pulling it out of her pocket. 

_“I am going to fuckig murder this brother of mine,”_ Maren typed. Elsa frowned. 

_“Why, what happened?”_ she took a sip of her soda. 

_“I cannot believe this… nitwit pulled me away from our date at 11 in the morning because he had gone to a bookshop and saw a cute guy.”_

Elsa snorted, soda spewing out of her nose, leaving her eyes and sinuses burning. “Oww,” she moaned, fanning her hands in front of her face as her eyes welled up. 

“What the fuck just happened?” Anna jumped up. Elsa handed her the phone. 

“Read,” she rasped, wincing. Anna let out a chortle and placed a paper towel down where Elsa had spilled soda. Elsa gave her a sheepish smile. 

_“Like he doesn’t even know if the guys gay or bi or whatever,”_ Maren sent an eye roll emoji. _“He literally told me that this guy had The Look™-”_

Elsa chuckled. 

_-like wtf is that supposed to meean???????!!!!”_ Maren finished typing. _“Oh also the guy’s name is grayson apparently and ry’s completely head over heels. Wanna tak my plae here? He wont fucking stop talking about this guy that he talked to for 15b minutes,”_ judging from Maren’s typos, she was probably typing in a rush, so likely annoyed, or laughing too hard to function properly.

Elsa smiled. _“That’s kinda adorable.”_

_“Bleh. I swer to the gods if you ever say that my brothr is adorable agaisn im gonna murder you.”_

Elsa rolled her eyes. _“Okay fine. Talk to you later.”_

_“Oh seroiusly ur leaving me to deal with a lovesick brother alone? Tysm,”_ Another eye roll emoji.

**One Week Later: Saturday, January 5th**

Maren’s birthday was tomorrow. Elsa wanted to make it perfect for her, but she had no clue how to do a surprise party, so she and Ryder caved and asked Maren what she would like to do. Laser tag, apparently. Not that Elsa was against that. She’d just never done it before. But she was determined to not let her down. And, she was pretty sure she’d gotten a great gift. _Dear Evan Hansen_ tickets, two months out, just the two of them. Anna would call it romantic. Elsa called it exciting. In the past week, Ryder had managed to get a hold of the cute boy he met at the bookshop and it was confirmed. Gay! Since Elsa had been spending her spare time with him coming up with what to do for Maren’s party, she’d had to listen to him ogling about Grayson for hours on end. He’d also gotten a few pictures and showed them to Elsa. 

He looked like every other boy Elsa had ever seen. Well, not _exactly_. But there was nothing extraordinary. He looked like a person? 

“You’re really showing the Very Gay And Very Ace™ girl photos of some ‘hot’ guy you met. What is that even supposed to mean?” Ryder didn’t exactly listen to her, he was too busy absolutely gushing over him. 

Elsa had a rough memory of the guy. Shaggy blonde hair, not too much darker than Elsa’s, down to his chin, tanned, uh, brown eyes? No, blue? She wasn’t too sure. That was pretty much all she remembered. Honestly, the description also matched Kristoff kind of well, but the pictures were different, of course. Kristoff was very much committed and faithful to Anna. Maybe Ryder had a type. That was an… interesting thought that she wasn’t sure she really wanted to follow. She didn’t really need to know her girlfriend’s brother’s sex history. Or want. She definitely didn’t want to know. 

She sniffed. Her nose and her throat tickled in an unpleasant way, her eyes were watery and every part of her was kind of sore. It was nothing. She was fine. 

She wasn’t about to ruin Maren’s birthday, of all things. 

“Hey, Ry?” she said gently, stopping the brunette in the middle of saying something, probably about Grayson. “Do you know where Mare is? I told her that we’d go for a walk with Anna and Kristoff today and - also you can come if you want,” Elsa’s vision blurred slightly. Her sinuses felt like they were on fire. 

“Oh. Cool. Um, she’s probably at her apartment, studying or some shit. I- I actually am meeting up with Gray later. But thanks for the offer,” he blushed. 

“Okay, cool. See you,” Elsa smiled and left Ryder sitting at his kitchen counter, staring at his phone. She shook her head, smiling slightly, as she closed the door. 

* * *

“Hey guys!” Anna and Kristoff strolled up to Maren and Elsa. 

“Hey,” Elsa grinned. “Do you want to walk through the park-” her face twisted. _“A-choo,”_ she sneezed quietly and rubbed her nose with the back of her hand. “And then- _a-choo-_ sorry, I don’t-”

“They come in threes!” Anna warned, just as Elsa sneezed again and wiped the tears they had caused from her eyes. 

“I’m fine. Again, sorry. Do you want to go through the park and get coffee?” 

“Elsa, are you sure you’re okay? Your eyes look glassy,” Anna said and reached out to put the back of her hand on Elsa’s forehead, but Elsa jumped away. 

“I said- _a-choo-_ I’m fine,” she sniffed. 

“I feel like you just contradicted your own point there, Els,” Maren said, coming from behind and resting her palm on her girlfriend’s shoulder. “Look, if you’re not feeling well, we can go back to my apartment and you can rest.”  
  


“I’m fine. Now can we _please_ just go on our walk,” Elsa turned a glare on the two girls who were surrounding her. “See, Kristoff isn’t bothering me!”

“No. Nu-uh, I am not getting dragged into this,” Kristoff rolled his eyes. “Seriously though, if you’re not feeling well, Elsa-”

“I’m _fine._ Please, I just want some mint hot chocolate.” 

Anna rolled her eyes and nudged her fiance. Elsa glared at her. 

“Hey, look, I’m just saying-”

“ _A-choo-”_

“That I’m thinking you might have a cold.”

“-I don’t get colds,” Elsa clenched and unclenched her fists. “I told you, I’m feeling totally fine,” Maren grabbed her hand and she brushed against the hairs on Elsa’s arm. Elsa wanted to scream. The light touch made her arm feel like it had been set on fire. She winced and then did her best to cover that up. She did not have a cold. She was completely healthy. 

The fresh air was nice even though it was somewhat cold out. There were some snowdrops blooming, which were pretty. She bent down to take a picture of a particularly pretty one. 

The next thing that caught her eye, however, was _definitely_ not a beautiful flower. 

_FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK-_ she never cursed, not even in her thoughts. Her nails dug into Maren’s wrist and she turned to Kristoff. _Maybe you’re hallucinating. Oh gods, please- not now. What does hallucinating even feel like? You do have a headache, is that a thing?_ Her heart pounded. Kristoff met her gaze, a worried gleam in his eye. Definitely not hallucinating. _FUCK THIS IS BAD. What do we do?_ By then, Maren had definitely noticed her erratic behavior and was gripping her hand hard as she thrashed her head around, looking for somewhere to go. 

“Elsa? Hey, what’s going on?” 

The words swarmed around her. Her vision blurred. Maren grabbed her face between her palms. “Elsa. You’re okay. What’s going on?” 

“Fuck.” 

Anna’s voice rang out and Elsa pushed her way out of Maren’s arms to get to her sister, who was frozen in place as a familiar head of auburn hair made its way towards them. Maren came up behind them and Elsa whipped around. “You need to go.”

  
“What? No! What’s happening? Please, I can’t leave you here alone. Not when I don’t know what’s going on.”

Elsa stood there shakily, chills and fear whipping through her body as Hans approached them. Maren grabbed her hand. A quiet whimper left Anna’s mouth. Elsa reached for her sister’s hand but missed. Her head pounded. Maren moved up closer and wrapped her arms around Elsa’s waist. Kristoff slung his arm protectively around Anna’s shoulders. 

“Anna,” Hans said disdainfully. “It’s been a while,” he reached out to take her hand. She pulled it away from him quickly. 

“Hans, you fucking idiot. You don’t fucking get to talk to her, or touch her,” Elsa snarled, and in her fear, it came out quieter than she’d meant for it too. Hans turned to her, eying her situation with Maren.

* * *

Maren hugged Elsa tighter, feeling her trembling against her. 

“Like I’m going to listen to a fucking _dyke_ ,” Hans rolled his eyes. He moved closer to Elsa and her fists clenched. Maren gently rubbed her finger along Elsa’s wrist and her hands relaxed slightly. Her voice trembled. 

“I said get away,” she whispered. He reached out and ran a finger along her jawline. That made Maren’s blood boil. 

“Get away from her,” she snarled, pushing Elsa aside. He looked over her. 

“Well, you’re pretty, sweetheart. I’m sure we could be much better together than you and your ‘girlfriend.’ There's so much I could do for you that a woman could never,” he sneered and stepped closer to Maren. He looked like he could either go for Elsa’s throat, or he was going to kiss Maren. Or Anna. 

“She said get away,” Kristoff growled. 

“Relax, dude. I just wanted to talk to Anna,” Maren reached for Elsa’s hand again as Hans spoke. Kristoff took Anna’s hand and tried to lead her away gently, but she was paralyzed in fear. _It’s a fight, flight, or freeze response,_ Maren noted. She ran through years of knowledge on what to do but was drawing a blank. _Fuck-_ Elsa slumped against her. Maren whipped around to see if Hans had hurt her, but he was standing next to Anna. Tears were running down the younger girl’s face. Elsa’s expression was extremely pained as she tried to stumble towards her sister. 

“Get away from her,” Elsa whispered. Maren heard the fear and desperation in her voice and also the weakness. Maren gripped her hand tight as she walked over to Kristoff and Anna. 

“Anna,” Hans said again, a fake tenderness in his voice. His ‘gentle’ smile turned into a sneer. “You seem to have put on some weight since we last saw each other,” his eyebrows raised. Who the fuck talks to someone like that? Maren’s blood was bubbling hotly in her veins. She watched as Kristof tried to pull Anna away, but Hans stopped him by grabbing the younger girl's hand. Maren saw so much fear, and anger- in Anna's eyes. She knew a little, from what Elsa had told her, about what this man had done, but she now knew so much more from Anna's eyes. There were years of pain behind her widened lids. Maren could tell there were torturing memories flashing through her brain. She needed to do something. 

“You don’t fucking say that to someone,” she growled. Hans paid no attention to her, flashing her a dismissive look. He turned his gaze to Elsa, quickly, before flashing his eyes back at Anna. 

“You could at least look like your sister,” he shrugged. Elsa tensed. Maren felt a growl in her stomach as she grabbed her girlfriend's hand. “She’d be so pretty if she didn’t waste it all on stupid, fucking women.” 

  
_You don't fucking say that. Not if you don't want me to fucking rip you to you to fucking shreds._

“Fuck off,” Maren growled. _Or I’ll have to physically restrain Kristoff._ The man was looking like he was an atomic bomb about to explode. She also felt like that, in some way. Her heart pounded, angered by Anna's fear and Elsa's hopeless determination. 

“Or what, darling?”

  
“I’ll fucking call the police,” she snarled. They were starting to get attention from nearby strangers, although most people’s responses were to ignore them and pretend it wasn’t happening. People tended to do that when they were scared or threatened by a situation, Maren knew. It didn't make that any less infuriating, they obviously needed help. They were in the middle of a fucking crisis. Maren stood stiffly, her fists clenched. She couldn't punch him, not legally. She wanted to scream, but her voice was trapped in her stomach. Some nice stranger tapped Maren on the back.

“Do you need anything?”

“Can you um, call a ride, please? That would be really helpful. Thank you so much,” she added quickly as they walked off to order the car. She sighed in relief, smiling gratefully. 

The car arrived, no more than five minutes later. Oh thank the gods, Maren breathed. Hans’ attention was mostly on Elsa at the moment, taunting her again about their relationship. Maren made a mental note to talk to her later about that. Because of that, though, Kristoff was able to quickly usher Anna off, much to Hans’ annoyance. He turned back to where Anna had been, and screamed.

"THAT FUCKING CUNT- I'M GOING TO FUCKING MURDER HER!" his voice bellowed through the park. They were really drawing attention now. Maren gulped as Hans turned back to Elsa, who had froze at his words. "You bitch, you fucking dyke-" he growled. "You and your whole scheme here with this girl- it's fucking stupid. Women don't love women. It's biology, you fucking retard."

"Fuck you," Elsa said, her voice shaky. "It's love. It's _fucking love,_ " Maren's stomach clenched. "I don't give a shit what you say, because if theres one person here who doesn't know what they're talking about, it's you. Not me. I know who I am, and i'm not going to fucking listen to you, because I don't care. I don't fucking care." 

Hans took a step closer and grabbed the collar of Elsa's shirt.   
  


"FUCK YOU!" Maren screeched, grabbing Elsa's hand. She was close to hyperventilating, tears in her eyes from the uncannily familiar movement. She pulled Elsa away, anger bubbling inside her clenched fists. She took a deep breath. _You can't punch him._

"Gladly," Hans answered smoothly. 

  
Elsa's eyes widened as she turned to Maren. There was a hint of a malicious smile hidden underneath layers of anger and fear, a hint of a laugh at the sentence that had just come out of Hans' mouth. It wasn't funny, by any means- just out of place, it took them by surprise. It also made Maren want to punch the guy even more. 

Maren gave her a quick nod. Elsa took a shaky step to Hans. Anna was away. They'd won. Maren hoped that Elsa was going to say something along those lines.

“We’ve won,” Elsa said, like she'd read Maren's thoughts, and her voice did not waver that time. 

“This time, perhaps,” Hans shrugged. Elsa started to walk away. He smirked. “Just remember what I could do to that pretty face of yours. To that pretty body, too,” he sneered, his gaze flitting down Elsa and back up to her lips. Maren’s eyes widened. Elsa froze. Maren ran up to her and enveloped her in a hug. Hans walked off with a smug look on his face as Maren led Elsa to the car. 

Anna was full-on sobbing. 

Kristoff looked nauseated. And the driver- confused. Kristoff was in shotgun, so Maren let Elsa slide into the middle so she could comfort her sister. Elsa immediately wrapped her arms around Anna. 

* * *

She felt so dissociated. Her head still hurt. Her lungs burned. She had to cough. And she felt the need to sob. Hans had threatened her. That was scary. 

But for now, comforting Anna was what mattered. 

* * *

She barely felt herself get out of the car, dragging Elsa behind her to her bedroom where she fell onto her bed, sobbing. 

It was like she was a ghost. 

Anna’s head pounded, sobs ricocheting through her body at full force. She thought she had gotten away. 

She thought she was done with him.

She thought moving away would have worked. 

She thought that he could never find her again. 

That he would never hurt her again. 

Clearly, she was wrong. 

He’d always said Elsa was the more beautiful one. That if she’d shown any interest, he’d have much rather dated her. Anna was only foolish enough to think that was normal. Elsa’s arms were around her now. That made it okay. Better, at least. Elsa’s arms did feel so bony pressed against her now. She hoped she was eating enough. Elsa was also radiating warmth in an abnormal, but drowsing way. Anna settled into it. 

Maybe Hans was right. 

_No. You can’t fall down that rabbit hole again. You told yourself, and I quote ‘I think, though, the most important thing for me to know right now, is that I. Fucking. Love. Myself.’_

Anna sat up straighter, sniffing, and rubbing her nose. She was okay. Hans was a stupid bitch. What he said never mattered anyway. Elsa sat up next to her. 

“I’ll get you some pajamas,” she said quietly and tried to unsuccessfully stifle a cough. It didn’t sound good. She looked very shaken up, and her face was red, her eyes glassy. She definitely looked sick. But if she said she felt fine, then who was Anna to judge? She closed her eyes, sinking back into her pillows, and nodded. Elsa went to her closet and soon returned with Anna’s favorite pair of pajamas. 

“Here’s- _a-choo-_ you’re paja- _aa-choo-_ mas,” she wiped her eyes, her lids drooping. _“A-choo.”_

She shook her head, sitting down on the bed as Anna pulled on the clothes. Anna sat back down and Elsa pulled her close. 

“Where the-” her voice pinched and she broke off into a coughing fit. Anna sat up, alarmed.

“Whoa, Elsa, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she gave Anna a small smile and Anna curled back up. “Where the northwind, meets the sea-”

Anna felt drowsiness take over her, partially induced by how warm Elsa was. 

“There’s a river, full of memory, sleep my darling- _a-choo,”_ Elsa sniffed. “Safe and sound, for in this river, all is found.” 

Anna let herself fall asleep, as shaken up as she was, she was also exhausted. 

* * *

Elsa sat up, gently pushing Anna off of her. She rubbed her temples and blinked, the world seemed so blurry. Her head buzzed. Gently, she opened the door to the bedroom and walked out, closing it behind her. 

“She’s asleep,” she announced as loud as she could before her voice broke. 

Maren was sitting on the couch, looking absentmindedly at the black television. Kristoff was in the kitchen, staring sadly at a half-empty cup as it slowly filled up. 

Elsa sat down on the couch, in the middle, far enough away from everything. The room was quiet, a nice contrast to the loud, painful noises inside her head. She winced, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her chin on them. Her eyes hurt. Her throat felt like it was on fire as a cry racked through her body, tears dripping down her cheeks and onto her knees. Her head sunk deeper into her legs, her nose between her kneecaps. Tears, flowing heavily now, slid down her thighs. 

“It’s all my fault,” she murmured. Kristoff sat down next to her and put an arm over her back.

“Elsa,” he said quietly. 

“If I hadn’t insisted on going through the park and just went home like she wanted me to,” Elsa sniffed.

“Hey,” Maren scooched over. “You had no idea that was going to happen. None of this is your fault okay?”

Elsa nodded hollowly, not believing Maren. “But now Anna’s hurt because of what he said, and I don’t know what to do. And Maren- we can’t ruin your birth-” she started to cough between her sobs. 

“Holy shit, Elsa!” Kristoff jumped. “Those sound terrible.” Maren placed a cool hand on her forehead. 

“Snowflake,” she murmured. Elsa smiled slightly. Maren hadn’t used that nickname before. It was usually Anna who said it, when it happened rarely. She liked it. “You’re burning up,” she took Elsa’s hand between hers. “Come on, let’s go home. You need to rest.” 

“I’m fine,” Elsa whispered. 

“You’re definitely not. Kristoff, do you have a thermometer?”

Kristoff nodded and got up, before returning soon later with a device which he handed to Maren. She stared at it for a second.

"How... do you use this?" she raised an eyebrow.

“It goes across her forehead. The metal part,” he pointed to it. “And you have to hold down this button.”  
  


“Okay cool,” Maren pulled the cold thing across Elsa’s face, pulling on the skin above her eyes. Elsa whimpered. She pulled it back, looking at the screen display. “See, 102℉ (38.9℃)!” 

Elsa groaned. 

“Also, Kristoff, this is cool. I have one that goes under the tongue, and I usually have to use it on Ry. ‘Cause he’s stubborn. You can imagine the hell that ensues, especially when he’s delirious,” Maren rolled her eyes. “Elsa, come. I’ll call a car. Your house or mine?” 

“I don’t care,” Elsa whispered. Her voice was hoarse. 

“Okay, we’ll go to my apartment,” Maren paused as she ordered an Uber. It came soon, and she pulled Elsa out. 

“Elsa,” Kristoff said. “I’ve got Anna, don’t worry.”

She nodded, slipping into the car. Maren sat next to her. 

“Also, snowflake,” she said quietly, running her fingers through Elsa’s hair. “You’re not going to ruin my birthday. I promise. Okay?”

Elsa nodded, leaning into her girlfriend’s side. She smiled when Maren pulled her close, feeling her consciousness already slipping. 

“I’ve got you,” Maren whispered, planting a light kiss on Elsa's forehead. “Through what Hans said. I won’t let him do anything to you, okay? I’ve got you, and I’m never letting go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.


	17. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, because I forgot to put this at the end of the last chapter and I'm lazy enough to not go back and change it:  
> Hans says the r-slur, which outside of creative purposes, I am very, _very_ against saying. In no cases is it acceptable to say. Just a disclaimer and a warning. If you ever say it outside of the one situation above that I named where it is acceptable, I will come punch you in the face and revoke your hippopotamus-petting privileges. In all seriousness - _don't say it._
> 
> Also applies to every derogatory word regardless of what it is derogating. That being said, in my opinion, I do not see the word "Queer" as derogatory, since I have identified as both queer and genderqueer in the past. However, as long as your opinion does not disrespect someone's existence, I will respect it. So feel free to disagree with me on using queer as a slur, I mean that in the sense of as long as you're not being homophobic, bi-phobic, transphobic, islamophobic, anti-Semitic, etcetera, I will respect your opinion. 
> 
> Shorter-ish chapter this time, but I at least managed to get it out. I was having some of the worst writer's block I think I've ever had for last week, and I was thinking almost entirely in just song lyrics so... I guess I could have combined this with what will be the next chapter, but I like where I left it, despite it's length. Also, I'm Jewish and realized that I forgot that Christmas exists, so I'm just going to leave it here that they did something for the holidays. Feel free to let your imagination go wild.

Elsa’s back was to Maren when Maren walked back inside her bedroom, carrying a tray with a couple of pills, a dixie cup filled with water, and a mug of peppermint tea- Elsa had said that was her favorite, right? Maren couldn’t see Elsa’s face through the messy mop of sweaty, stringy hair that fell over her eyes. 

“Hi,” Maren put the silver tray she was carrying down and sat next to Elsa, disputing the weight on the bed. Elsa had knocked out cold in the car ride, and Maren had carried her in. She had woken up not much later, her cheeks and nose rosy, though her face was otherwise abnormally pale. Maren made sure Elsa was okay, and then hopped across the street to a small pharmacy to get cough drops and medication. “How are you feeling?”

Elsa didn't respond and Maren looked to her lips to find them moving slightly as if she were whispering to herself. She moved closer to try to hear what Elsa was mumbling. 

“Anna, please… Anna… what he’ll do to you, what I could do… what I could do to you…”   
  
Maren stiffened, her eyes going wide. Frowning, she got on the floor on her knees in front of Elsa. She felt nauseated upon the blank, glazed stare in her girlfriend's eyes, her gaze forced down to Elsa's hands. Elsa picked and pinched at her forearm, the small wounds purpling as she did so. Maren gently forced her hand away from her other arm and Elsa began to jerk it back and forth. Clenching and unclenching her fist, Maren grabbed both of Elsa’s hands in hers.

“Hey, hey, hey,” she whispered, and Elsa’s lips stopped moving briefly. “Hey, you’re okay. You’re okay. I’m not going to let Hans do anything to you.” 

Again, Elsa didn’t respond, instead sniffed and fell to her side on the bed, although Maren knew she’d acknowledged her presence. Maren brought her hand to Elsa’s cheek and slowly brushed her hair away, her fingers falling on a tear track. She followed it down Elsa’s cheeks, her lips meeting the corner of Elsa’s eye. Elsa still stared blankly at the wall, sniffling. 

“What’s wrong?” Maren asked quietly, getting back on the bed and scooching up it until her back was pressed into the pillows. Maren’s fingers softly stroked Elsa’s shoulder, though the blonde ignored her still. “Elsa, please.”

“I’m fine,” Elsa said finally and coughed. “Just tired.” 

“Elsa.” 

“I said,” Elsa seethed through clenched teeth. “That I’m fine, just tired,” she sighed and put on an obviously-fake smile. 

“You’re obviously not ‘fine,’” Maren said quietly. “Elsa, really. What’s on your mind?”

Elsa glared at her momentarily before she averted her gaze back to the bedroom wall. Her lips moved soundlessly for a few moments. 

“I’m cold,” she finally said, her knees curling tighter into her chest. Maren’s hand slipped through the small gap between her neck and the mattress, as she curled around her girlfriend. Her other arm slipped over Elsa’s stomach, and Maren could feel her smile against her other fingers. Pulling her close, Maren rested her chin against Elsa’s back. She felt her warm breath hitting the back of Elsa’s neck and pulled the blankets tighter around them. Her knees found the back of Elsa’s, tucking into them as her toes came to rest on Elsa’s ankles.

“Better?” she asked, smiling into Elsa’s neck. 

“Mhm,” Elsa nodded slightly. Maren ran her fingers down Elsa’s cheek and Elsa sniffed, a tear trailing out of the corner of her eye. Maren brushed it away and pulled her closer, only then realizing just how warm Elsa was still. 

“You should take the meds,” she said, the back of her hand brushing across Elsa’s forehead. She moved away from her, taking a deep breath and flopping onto her back. “You’re still burning up.” 

Elsa sighed, sitting up and taking the pills that Maren had brought for her. She swished the small cup of water Maren had brought around, watching as the liquid slowly settled. She placed it back on the tray, her fingers slowly sliding over the cup of tea (Maren was sure it was burning hot, how did she do that?) as she put the dixie cup back down. Maren watched her chest heave as she lay back down. Elsa pulled her knees halfway to her chest, laying on her side facing Maren. Maren’s head was tilted to face her, and she watched Elsa’s lip tremble slightly as they made eye contact. Maren’s heart clenched as she felt hot, angry tears rise to her own eyes. 

“Hey,” she whispered hoarsely, putting on a tight smile. “Come here.” 

Elsa rested her head on Maren’s chest, her hair tickling the crook of Maren’s neck. Maren smiled, wrapping her arm around Elsa and the feverish blonde hesitantly moved her arm between them. Her back quivered slightly under Maren’s hand. Maren gently stroked her fingers into Elsa’s side. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re okay, you’re okay,” Maren whispered into the messy mop of Elsa’s hair which was falling over her eyes and damp with tears or hanging in a frizzy clump at the back of her head. “You’re okay and I’ve got you,” she swallowed the lump in her throat. _ I won’t let him do anything to you, I’ve got you, and I’m never letting go.  _ “And it’s okay to not be okay too because Hans threatened you and that’s scary. But I’ve got you. I’ve got you, and you’re okay no matter what comes our way,” her voice was hoarse with pent-up tears, but it wasn’t her place to cry. Not then, not when Elsa needed her more. “But I want you to talk to me and let me know how you’re feeling, both physically and emotionally. It doesn’t have to be now, but Elsa, I don’t want you to have all these feelings building up inside you because that’s not healthy. It’s healthy to let them out, to talk about them, so please, Elsa,” her voice broke off and she took a shuddery breath. “Please.” 

Elsa turned her head until her nose was buried into the skin underneath Maren’s chin, her wet and warm face pressed up against Maren’s neck. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Maren. I’m sorry that I can’t be normal, I’m sorry…”

“You’re okay. You’re okay,” Maren whispered again though it was mostly directed at herself and she wasn’t even sure Elsa could hear her. “You're okay. You’re okay and I love you and you don’t have to love me back yet but we’re okay and I love you,” she stifled a cry, her fingers stroking Elsa’s cheek. “And I will fucking punch Hans in the face if he comes near you again,” she growled. Elsa gave a pitiful laugh into her neck, sending vibrations down her throat. It broke Maren’s heart. “And I’ll always be here for you. And I don’t know what I’d do without you, seriously. You’ve been keeping Ryder off my back about Grayson for this entire week. When he’s not texting him, he’s texting you about him,” Maren shook her head slightly. Elsa laughed again, but it was a distressing sound through her tears. “And you’re amazing and I love you,” Maren finished. Elsa’s laugh turned into a twisted sob. Maren hugged her tighter. “And so do Anna and Kristoff and Ryder, too. And I’ll do anything to protect all of you. Because you’re my family now,” Elsa sobbed harder into Maren’s neck, her tears wetting the collar of Maren’s shirt. Maren pulled her tight as she sobbed, barely holding in tears of her own. Elsa’s feet slowly made it to her hips, her knees resting on Maren’s stomach. “Because I love you,” Maren said again, quieter still. 

Elsa’s sobs thickened, her tears soaking Maren’s neck, Maren’s fingers working through her hair as she held in sobs of her own. Maren squeezed her eyes tight, taking a deep breath, her hand slipping down to Elsa’s cheek. 

“I’m sorry,” Elsa apologized again, for what felt like the millionth time. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry and I’ve let you down and I’ve ruined everything and I’m sorry but I can’t be but I am but I can’t and I can’t…” she sobbed, leaning into Maren’s palm, her tears running down Maren’s fingers. “And I can’t breathe and I can’t, Maren, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” she shivered against Maren, her ribcage rocking into the brunette’s side. 

“You can’t what, sweetheart?” Maren’s thumb stroked her lip. 

“I… I don’t know,” Elsa sobbed again, her hand finding the hem of Maren’s shirt and gripping on to it as if for dear life. “But I don’t want to ruin it for you. And I am and I can’t,” she sniffed. 

“You’re not ruining anything.”

“But I’m sick and now I’m going to ruin your birthday for you and I don’t want to but I can’t help it…” Elsa broke off, coughing, and then sighed as she fell back down. “And I’m too tired to deal with this,” she whispered and her voice faltered. 

Maren’s birthday was the next day, she’d forgotten through the stress of the day. But presents, aging or not, she had what she needed for then, she had all she wanted. She had Elsa, and that was all that mattered for the moment. And she told Elsa just that. The blonde let out a strangled gasp, burying her face deeper into Maren’s neck and gripping her shirt tighter. Maren brought her hand to the nape of her neck and stroked it gently. 

They sat like that for a long time until Maren’s shirt was positively soaked with snot and tears, her cheeks wet with tears of her own, but she couldn't care any less. Elsa’s sobs subsided, giving way to tense, but steady, deeper breaths. 

“Okay,” Maren whispered and stroked Elsa’s cheek again. “Are you ready to talk about how you feel?”

Elsa hesitated and then shook her head. 

“Okay. But you will have to some time, it’s not healthy to keep that all bottled up in your chest,” she brought her hand over Elsa’s heart, both of their gazes following it and meeting each other’s eyes. “Okay?” 

Elsa sighed, nodding. “Okay,” she closed her eyes, curling back into Maren’s side. Maren smiled and pulled the blankets around them. “I will."

Maren stroked her cheek gently before settling down next to her. Elsa’s eyes slowly closed before immediately snapping back open in a loud gasp as she shot up. She gnawed at her lip, running a hand through her hair. “No… Maren, I have to go,” she started to get up but Maren grabbed her arm to stop her.

“Wait. What’s going on?” she prodded gently, but firmly. 

“I have to go…” Elsa repeated breathlessly. “I have to go home. I have to…”

“Elsa, breathe.”   
  
Elsa did as she was told, her expression relaxing slightly as tameness returned to her wild eyes. “I have to go home, I have to feed my pets,” she managed to get out before taking another shaky breath. “And I have to take my medications before I eat…” 

“Okay. Elsa, it’s still only three in the afternoon, and you should at least get a bit of rest in. Then, we can go back to your place,” Maren gently tugged Elsa back down. 

Elsa let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to inconvenience you.” 

“You aren’t. We’ll work on that, okay?” Maren swallowed.

“On what?”

“Your mindset. You always tend to think of yourself as an inconvenience, a burden because of what you go through. You’re not.”

“I-” Elsa closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. Maren pulled her fingers away and brought her eyes to level with Maren’s. 

  
“You’re  _ not  _ a burden. I  _ want  _ to spend time with you, I don’t feel like I have to. You are  _ not a burden,  _ Elsa. Can you say that back to me?”

“I’m not a burden,” Elsa said without an air of believability. Maren sighed. 

“Come here,” she whispered and Elsa curled up next to her again. “It’s okay. We’ll work on that.”

Elsa’s voice was laid thick with tears as she spoke again. “I’m sor-”

Maren cut her off. “Don’t apologize. We both know you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I-” Elsa hesitated, looking at Maren shyly. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Maren said firmly.

“Not that,” Elsa shook her head lightly. “I don’t know…  _ what.”  _

“What?” Maren repeated shallowly. “I-” she narrowed her eyes slightly. “I’m confused.” 

“I don’t know what… I guess... I’m feeling. How. I just feel kind of suffocated. I hate seeing Anna like that and... Maren, I never meant to drag you into our messes.”

“I dragged myself into them,” Maren said. “If I hadn’t wanted to be involved with your messes then I wouldn’t have gotten involved with you.”   
  
Elsa gave her a tense smile. “I- I- I can’t put anything to words,” she said glumly, her face falling. “I feel so mixed up inside. I feel so shaky, but not from these chills. I feel so… out of place,” she finished with a sigh. “I feel like I didn’t do enough for Anna, I brought her back and didn’t give her a chance to actually-” her face twisted as she sneezed, swiveling away from Maren. “-Talk about what she was feeling. Like I just got her back and sent her to bed… Like I didn’t do enough to even get her away from Hans in the first place. He doesn’t, I don’t think so, at least, know our addresses… that would be bad. But he still lives around here even though it’s farther away from where we all used to live, it’s still… same city, different borough. He could find her anytime…”

“Have you thought about a restraining order? Like, if he goes after you guys again or has before.” 

“I… sort of. I just don’t know there would be enough evidence against him. He never... like,” she bit her lip and her voice got really shallow and quiet, her eyes glazing over slightly. Maren gripped her hand tighter. 

“You’re okay,” she whispered. “I’m here. You’re okay. Anna’s okay. You’re okay and Anna’s okay.”

Elsa shook her head, her eyes unglazing with a grimace. “He never… like…” she clenched her fist around Maren’s hand. “Physically abused her,” it came out pinched and her eyes drove wide, brimming with tears as her hands began to shake. 

“Elsa. I’m really proud of you for saying those words. I know that it’s not the easiest thing to do. We don’t have to talk any more if you’re not comfortable.” 

Elsa’s eyes closed and she took a shaky breath. “I want to. I want to at least _try_ to finish what I was going to say.”

Maren smiled. “Of course.”

“I don’t know if what he did would be enough for a restraining order… nor do I even know if Anna would, like, be able to go through with it without regressing… and I don’t know enough about the whole process to say that I would be entirely comfortable with everything if I had to I don’t know… appear in court… I don’t know if I would be able to,” she admitted quietly. “I don’t know if I would be able to. And I feel guilty because it’s  _ Anna  _ we’re talking about here, but I don’t know… if I would be able to without… I don’t- I don’t know,” she sniffed. 

“Elsa, first off, I’m very proud of you for everything you just said. That takes a lot of courage. Second of all, I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that domestic violence extends to verbal abuse, which we know she has taken, and he threatened you… as well as stalking… which we would have to talk to Anna more. It did seem like an unlikely coincidence,” Elsa stiffened underneath Maren’s hand. 

_ “No…”  _

Maren closed her eyes. “Do you want me to stop?” 

Elsa nodded as a sob rose in her throat again and she covered her face with her palms. Maren cupped her cheeks. 

“It’s okay. We’re okay. I promise you that, and the Naturra family isn’t known for breaking their promises.” 

Elsa sniffed through a slight giggle that escaped her lips. 

“Will you sing to me?” she asked quietly. Maren smiled, running her fingers through a knot in Elsa’s hair. 

“Of course. There’s a lullaby my mother used to sing. It’s in French though,” her chin pressed into Elsa’s forehead and she felt Elsa’s head nod slightly. “Okay.

_ “C’est la poule bleue qui a pondu un oeuf dans ton cheveux,”  _ she smiled, the words still flowed off her tongue smoothly even after so many years. Her fingers stopped working at the knot in Elsa’s hair, trailing down to her nose.  _ “Elle a pondu un petit oeuf pour Elsa, qui va dormir. C’est la poule noire, qui a pondu un oeuf dans ton lit,”  _ Elsa and her sickly warmth settled tightly into Maren’s side, though Maren didn’t mind the heat.  _ “Elle a pondu un petit oeuf pour Elsa, qui va dormir.” _

_ “C’est la poule mauve qui a pondu un oeuf dans… le placard. Elle a pondu un petit oeuf pour Elsa, qui va dormir.”  _

It wasn’t long until Elsa’s breaths quieted until they were barely audible. “Thank you. I…” she whispered, her voice hazy from her half-awake state. 

“Yeah?” Maren whispered back quietly. 

“I love you,” Elsa said, her voice slipping away into gentle snores. __

And although she was already hot from Elsa’s fevered body pressed so close against her, Elsa saying those words made Maren feel warm and tingly all over, and so, she grinned. 


	18. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm alive, guess what. I've been a bit (a bit more than a bit) depressed and angered and whatnot with everything going on in the world, so sorry for going off the schedule-that-probably-doesn't-exist-anymore.

Elsa was proud of herself.

Elsa was _proud_ of _herself_. 

That was new. 

And it brought tears to prick the backs of her eyes as she realized it, hope swelling up in her chest like a balloon. 

She and Maren had gotten up like Maren had promised, went over to her house so she could feed her pets and take her meds and then Maren had cooked a frozen pizza she had found in the back of Elsa’s freezer, the two eating in silence as they gave each other a chance to fully digest the day. For obvious reasons, anxiety still sat heavily on Elsa’s chest… but a different feeling she found had come to accompany it.

Pride.

_Pride._

Elsa had never realized how much one word could mean. And then once she felt it, she understood - she understood what it meant to have come so far. There was a time where the feeling would have disturbed her so much and she would have pushed it away, disgusted that she even let herself feel it in the first place. But now… now she understood that she deserved this foreign feeling. So she let herself do so. 

Bowls of ice-cream had sat on her coffee table, discarded - an alarmingly common pattern for them it seemed, leaving food on the table and forgetting about it until it melted into a soggy mess. They watched some movie, Elsa could barely remember as her eyes kept fluttering shut. Maren’s lap had been warm and less uncomfortable once she put a pillow on it. Maren’s gentle fingers had woven Elsa’s hair around her forehead, peppering soft kisses along her nose. 

Insomnia visited her that night. But not anxiety. No. Hope. 

The bathroom floor was cold against her bare legs, clad in only short pajama bottoms. Feet crossed in front of her, the door closed so that she could have the lights on and soft music playing without disturbing her girlfriend, her back pressed into the side of her tub. 

Meditation.

The soft music filled her senses as she disappeared into her soul. Usually when she dove so far down, she froze up, the anxiety and untold truths she found waiting for her too much to bear.

Not tonight. No, there was a serene silence. Peace. 

_I could get used to this._

No fears, no faces.

Colors. Light. She saw an end, even though it was far, she saw an end to the dark tunnel she was in. “A walk down memory lane,” people say. A road trip. A vacation. A light.

Sisters.

Kids. Full of love and life. 

Free, not yet condemned to the brutalities of the world. 

A blur of red.

Platinum. 

Frozen into the depths of Elsa’s memories. The good places. The good times. She breathed out, _seven eight._ The music was light, floating by her ears in a melodical hum. 

Footsteps. 

Breaths. 

The crack of the door opening slightly. 

_Breathe._

Elsa slowly woke herself from her trance. “Maren!” she smiled upon seeing one of her favorite people walk into the bathroom where she sat. It made the floor seem a little less cold and the room a little more inviting. Maren pushed down the toilet seat and sat down. 

“Is this a normal thing that I should know about?” she yawned, unable to hide the exhaustion that swept across her features. It was, after all, one in the morning. Or the last time Elsa had checked, at least. Time flies, sometimes, and for all she knew it could be seven AM. And it had been a long day for everyone involved. Elsa thanked her lucky stars once more that she had Maren, that she had someone to ground her during the hard times. “Do you often get up and meditate on the bathroom floor at three in the morning?”

So it had been two hours. Elsa shrugged. “When I can’t sleep, sometimes. Usually, it’s a little scary,” she admitted, picking at her fingernails. “A lot scary, actually,” she scooched over so Maren could sit next to her. “But today, not so much.”

“That’s good,” Maren let Elsa rest her head on her shoulder. 

“It is,” Elsa agreed. “I actually have been out here since one. I lost track of time.”  
  
“A lot of people do when they’re meditating.”

Elsa nodded. “You should go back to bed. It’s been a long day.” 

“Come with me,” Maren’s words were slurred with sleep. 

“I will,” Elsa’s own eyelids drooped. “I just need one more minute.”  
  
“One minute,” Maren affirmed. “But if you don’t get up and come with me after that, I’m carrying you. I can’t have one minute turning to ten, turning to thirty, turning to an hour, turning to five hours. You need your actual sleep too.”

Even as drowsed as she was, Maren still put Elsa’s needs first. Elsa pondered how she had ever gotten so lucky. 

“How did I get so lucky with you?” she absentmindedly wondered out loud. 

“You didn’t. It’s not luck that made me like you. It’s you, Elsa,” Maren whispered and that made Elsa smile as she intertwined their fingers. Elsa closed her eyes again. 

There were so many colors in the world behind her eyelids. She liked them. 

Once upon a time there was a girl named Elsa Arendelle who lived in a dark, black and white world of fear. Bad things happened and then good. Anna came to her and grabbed her hand to help her out of the hole she was in. And then she was climbing up a mountain steeper than she could have ever imagined. Then there was Maren who came along, holding a rope and a paintbrush. Now Elsa could see the peak. Now, she lived in a colorful world of hope.

She could see the peak of this climb. Granted, she would have the falling action which would come with its fair share of bumps, but Elsa, she could see the top. 

Sure, Maren came along and gave her a helping hand. Sure, Anna was the one who had kickstarted her journey. But Elsa, well, she realized now…

It was her, _she’d_ made the trip, she’d painted the canvas. She’d climbed this mountain by herself and she was making it to the peak - by _herself_. 

One day, she would get back down on the other side. One day, this journey would be behind her.

But that day was not today.

And for the first time in forever, Elsa realized that… that was okay. 

Maren pressed her lips onto the tip of Elsa’s nose. It almost made her feel like a cat or a child, wrapped up in a safe embrace. Her eyes smiled and she hoped Maren could see that even though Elsa’s eyes were closed. 

“Come on,” Maren whispered quietly. Elsa curled farther into her arms and Maren groaned. “You’re impossible. I told you a minute, and it’s been three. Now come on or I’m carrying you.”

Elsa didn’t mind that idea too much. Maren made her feel warm. Safe. 

Loved.

She wrapped her arms around Maren’s neck and the latter groaned as she picked Elsa up, sliding her arm under the crooks of Elsa’s legs and around her back. 

“And here you are, further proving my point: ‘You are irritating,’” Maren let out a little laugh as she slowly brought Elsa back into her bedroom. She grunted as she placed Elsa back down and curled up next to her. Elsa opened her eyes briefly and gave Maren a smile and then rested her head next to the brunettes, their cheeks pressed against each other’s. Maren gave her a chaste kiss as Elsa wrapped her arms around Maren’s stomach. “But, that’s okay,” Maren chuckled as she laced her fingers through Elsa’s hair. “Because I guess I put myself up to this.” 

Elsa nodded slightly before she twined herself into Maren’s side, the world filtering into the gray serenity of slumber. 

* * *

When Maren woke, the sun was washing over her face from a crack between the curtains, Elsa’s arm was still wrapped around her stomach, the blonde herself still asleep, her cheek pressed into Maren’s neck. Elsa’s cat, Bruni, was curled around the other side of Maren’s head and let out a meow when he felt her stir. _Great. Well at least he’s cute._ She brought a hand up and scratched the cat’s chin, Bruni leaning into her touch and purring. A smile crossed Maren’s face and she moved an arm slightly to coax the cat closer to her, practically _dying_ from the adorableness of the entire situation, what with Elsa curled into her on one side and the cat on the other. In all honesty, Maren was trying to decide who was cuter when Bruni fully realized that Maren was awake and took advantage of the situation. He put his paws on the base of her neck and… what was it called? Ah, digging his sharp claws forcefully into her shoulder repeatedly while virtually screaming into her ear. _Elsa._ Elsa was most definitely cuter. Maren pushed the blonde in question off of her and the movement startled her awake. 

“Sorry,” Maren hissed. “I think your cat wants me to do something but I have no idea what. Also, I have to pee anyway.” 

Elsa smiled, still in a haze. “Happy birthday,” she sang quietly and laughed. “He probably just wants you to feed him. I’ll do so and you can go take a shower or something. Start the day out great with a nice, hot shower!” she joked softly with a laugh. “I can start breakfast or whatever, if you want we could cook something together because I’m not actually good at cooking at all so I always leave that to Anna anyway,” she yawned. 

“That sounds nice,” Maren agreed. “How are you feeling?” she placed the back of her hand to Elsa’s forehead. “You definitely don’t seem to have a fever, that’s for sure.” 

“A lot better, actually.” 

“That’s good.”

“Go pee,” Elsa smirked. “I have to get your gift out of the way anyway before you see it. Also, I hope your brother knows that I’ve vowed payback for his gift to me,” she cracked her knuckles as she sat up, looking at her hands when they only made a faint popping noise. Maren giggled. “And he should be prepared for revenge.”

Maren rolled her eyes. “What did you do?”

“I got him a mug with my face on it,” Elsa mumbled sheepishly. Maren laughed out loud. 

“Why do I have a feeling that this is going to be some sort of prank-birthday-gift-mug war between you two for a long time coming?”

“Probably because I don’t lose, ever, except for at charades,” she admitted with a grin. “And so I will get the last words… gift, whatever.”

“Okay, as much as I’d love to continue this conversation, I actually have to pee really badly and your cat is likely threatening to kill us, so…” Maren rushed out of the room with a hasty wave. “Bye!” 

Maren got back downstairs to Elsa’s kitchen to find Elsa with Olaf on her shoulder and Bruni wrapping himself around her feet, both of the animals screaming at her. Elsa looked up as she bent down to place the dish of cat food on the ground. 

“They do this anytime and everytime I get up slightly later than usual,” she hummed. “I know! I know! I’m- yes! I’m going to feed you!” 

Maren laughed. 

“I’ll be right back,” Elsa turned to go to the living room and Maren followed behind her. Olaf squawked as he jumped off her shoulder, ruffling up his crown feathers, as Elsa placed down a tray of seeds, humming. “So, breakfast?” she turned around. Maren smiled. 

“Yeah, sure. What would you want?”

“It’s your birthday,” Elsa yawned and stretched. “I have pretty much everything for, like, the normal things: cereal, pancakes, waffles, french toast…” 

“Any of those sound nice.” 

Elsa groaned. “Dang it, Maren! I’m trying to be nice here! Just choose one!” 

“You’re so cute,” Maren walked over and tapped Elsa on the nose. A blush crept across the blonde’s cheeks. “You say dang it instead of damn it. Also waffles are cool.” 

* * *

Later, they met everyone outside of the place that Elsa had found to do laser tag. Ryder had, unsurprisingly, brought Grayson along, which was fine because it evened out their numbers and allowed Maren to tease him more. She smirked. 

“Birthday boy,” she sang. He glared at her. “How’s your boyfriend?” she elbowed his side.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Ryder groaned.

“Yet.”

“...Yet,” Ryder repeated dreamily and sighed. “Come on, let’s go be with the rest of the group.” 

Maren chuckled and went to stand next to Elsa, who was checking in on Anna, who looked a lot better - her eyes were brighter, hair clean and pulled back neatly. Maren sighed in relief. 

“Hey, Anna. How are you?”

“I’m… better, by a lot,” Anna replied sincerely. “How are _you?_ That was probably a lot to handle.” 

Maren smiled, her fingers finding Elsa’s hand and clasping it. “I’m okay. You’re right, it was kind of a lot… but I mean,” she sighed. “Well, we spent a while talking.” The details of their conversations were not fully hers to disclose, so unless Elsa wanted to, Maren wouldn’t. Elsa nodded in agreement.

“Of course,” Anna nodded. “That’s good,” she nudged Elsa. “Did you talk too? You know that sometimes you will have to talk about how you feel to the people who care about you.”

“I did,” Elsa responded hollowly. Anna arched a brow. 

“She did,” Maren confirmed. 

“Okay, Elsie. Proud of you,” Anna squeezed Elsa’s hand and Maren watched as Elsa’s chest puffed out a little as a small grin implanted itself on her face. “Now, what does everyone say about doing laser tag?”

They walked inside and were taken to a back room that had been reserved for them and given the run-down, gear and everything else they could have wanted. Anna bounced on the balls of her feet as she looked over the six of them and walked over to Maren, pulling her away from Elsa. 

“You two can’t be together, I mean together on a team, because you are together, wait I think you knew what I meant… but, Maren, you also can’t be with Ryder…” she planted Maren on one side of the room. “Don’t move,” she growled at her and then turned and grabbed Ryder’s shoulders, putting him on the opposite side. “Okay, I can’t be with Kristoff, I mean not team-with, I am- I think you knew what I meant, never mind. I’m rambling, aren't I…?” she grabbed the blonde’s shoulders and put him with Ryder and Elsa, and then came back and stood next to Maren and grayson. “Perfect! Maren, Grayson, and me against Ryder, Kristoff, and Elsa. And we’ll win,” she smirked and fistbumped Maren. 

“Not if I can help it,” Elsa sniggered. “Come on, guys.” 

* * *

Maren’s back was pressed against the corner, her eyes scanning along the rest of the place for her brother or Kristoff. Elsa’s head popped up from behind a pillar nearby.  
  


“Hey Mare,” she said. “Can I hide here?” 

“What?” Maren looked up and then waved Elsa over. “Of course. I’m looking out for Ryder and Kristoff, have you seen them?”

“I think they’re on the other side,” Elsa laughed.

“What?” Maren pouted. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, not much,” Elsa snickered. “They’re just really bad at this. I’ve outran them without running like twice already and they have already lost track of me again.” 

“Huh,” Maren bit the inside of her lip. “I’ve been here the entire time.”

“You have?” Elsa raised a brow. “That seems kind-of boring.”

Maren shrugged. “Now that I think about it, it is a little boring.”

“Then, let’s go fix that,” Elsa got to her feet and offered Maren a hand. “Ready to kick some brother and future brother-in-law butt?”

“As I’ll ever be,” Maren took her hand. Elsa pulled her to her feet and gave her a shy smile before catching Maren’s lips on her own. Maren leaned into the kiss, surprised by Elsa’s boldness and forwardness. Elsa had stood a little taller, a little prouder all day, Maren realized. Something had changed, something had brought Elsa what was quite possibly the boost of confidence she needed. Maren hadn’t really seen this side of her before, and well, she liked it. 

Elsa pulled away and winked. Maren’s breath caught in her throat, causing Elsa to chuckle slightly before she sauntered away. She only got about two feet away from Maren before she cocked her head, spun around and shot Maren; all in about two seconds. Maren’s mouth fell open. 

Her vest blinked red as her eyes went wide. “What was that for?” 

“Did one kiss _really_ make you forget that we’re on different teams?” Elsa smiled. “Do I have memory-wiping powers? Maren! What’s my name?” 

“Elsa. That wasn’t- urrrgh!” Maren groaned, throwing her hands up in exasperation. 

“It was entirely fair,” Elsa smirked. “I fooled you.” 

Maren scrunched her nose, not able to argue with the cold, hard facts being placed in front of her. “Must you be _so…_ do you have to do all… _this_?” she gestured to Elsa. 

“Like what? You just gestured to all of me,” Elsa frowned playfully. 

Maren rolled her eyes. “Thanks for nothing, you useless…” 

“Useless what?” Elsa quirked her eyebrow. 

“I don’t know… useless lesbian, whatever!”

“I think that I was being tactical,” Elsa tapped a finger on her temple. “Not useless. If anything, you're useless. You got distracted by one kiss, you sore loser.”

Maren narrowed her eyes. “I’ll get revenge,” she hissed as she walked back to her team’s base to recharge. 

* * *

After a few hours of playing - Maren’s team had lost almost every time, the group collected themselves and left the building, walking to the subway station together, where they were going to go to Maren’s apartment. Ryder tagged behind slightly, an almost-perplexed look on his face.

“What’s on your mind?” Maren elbowed his side. 

“It’s so stupid, you’re not going to believe it,” Ryder laughed. 

“Well, duh. You’re the one who thought of it,” Maren smirked. Ryder punched her shoulder. “What is it?”

Ryder shook his head, a small smile on his face. “Out of the six of us, is _anyone_ straight?”

“Uh-” Maren began, before getting cut off by Elsa, who appeared next to her. 

“What are you talking about?” 

Maren rolled her eyes. “Ryder has come to the interesting conclusion that no one is straight.”

“Anna is,” Elsa bit her lip. “That’s ironic. She’s a minority here.”

“What am I?” Anna’s head bobbed up next to Elsa, causing Maren to jump.

“Must _everyone_ get caught up in my stupid observations?” Ryder gasped, exasperated. 

“Don’t worry about him, he’s just upset that he was wrong,” Maren jabbed her thumb at her brother. 

“What was he wrong about?” Kristoff asked. Ryder groaned, his face falling to his palms. Grayson had stopped walking to see what was happening with everyone suddenly falling behind.

“Anna’s straight and literally no one else is,” Ryder huffed. “I told you it was stupid!” he shot a glare at Maren. 

“It’s not like I can help that,” Anna complained, crossing her arms over her chest. Elsa put a hand on her shoulder.

“Of course not, not any more than we can help being gay or pan or bi or whatever,” Elsa smirked at Ryder who shot back a grin.

“Too bad, Anna,” he chuckled. “Guess we can’t share all our gay secrets.”

“What?” the look on Anna’s face was laced with shock and predominantly confusion.

Elsa laughed. “Right, like how Maren and Kristoff are secretly vampires, and-”

Maren smiled to herself, catching onto the joke and shared a look with her brother. At the same time the two of them blurted out, “Elsa!” cutting off the blonde, who shot a genuine grin back at them. What Maren would give to see that more often…

Everyone except Anna burst out into laughter, the redhead standing still and muttering. “Ha ha ha, very funny.” 

“You see, Anna,” Elsa wheezed between her laughs. “I’m okay with heterosexuality, just don’t shove it down my throat.” 

“Yes, yes, I get it,” Anna rolled her eyes and pulled Elsa into a hug. Maren walked over to Ryder and pushed him, causing him to stumble to the side and shaking him out of the trance he was in, staring at Grayson. Maren bit her lip to keep from bursting out into another bout of laughter. 

“Your boyfriend looks lonely,” she whispered. 

“For the last time,” Ryder shot back. “He’s not my boyfriend!” he said, a little too loud, and Grayson looked at him and pointed at himself.

“Me?” 

Ryder went red and buried his face in his palms. “Fuck you, Maren.” 

“Well, would you want me to be?” Grayson was blushing too. Ryder looked through his fingers a tiny bit. 

“Maybe…” his ears were bright red. Grayson shrugged, his cheeks dark. 

Elsa came up behind Maren and rested her chin on her shoulder. “Are we this awkward?” Maren shrugged, a stupid grin on her face as she watched the interaction. 

“Okay then, new boyfriend,” Grayson’s voice was pinched with embarrassment as he walked over to Ryder and pulled him into a chaste kiss. Maren clapped as she watched Ryder’s face explode into a smile, and soon, the rest of their group were clapping as well, Elsa giggling into Maren’s ear. 

* * *

There wasn’t a cake, but a chocolate pie that Anna had made, which was insanely delicious, and Maren now understood why Elsa left the cooking to her sister. As much as Elsa tried, her waffles… were unfortunate, somehow both burnt to a crisp and totally uncooked at the same time. Maren smiled around a mouthful of the pie as the rest of the group got handed slices after they had finished singing _Happy Birthday_ , much to both Maren and Ryder’s embarrassment. She supposed they deserved it, after them doing so at Elsa’s birthday as the blonde hid her face. Though the song always reminded her of washing her hands. Elsa grabbed a slice and curled up next to Maren on the couch, linking their arms as Ryder recounted a story of something - Maren wasn’t really paying attention. 

“Did this actually happen?” Elsa questioned in a whisper, her tone amused. 

“I really don't know. I’m not listening to that dumbass,” Maren chuckled. “Plus, it’s much more fun to tune him out and watch him stare at Grayson the entire time he’s speaking.” 

Elsa laughed when she realized what Maren was pointing out. “Smitten, isn’t he.” 

“Totally,” Maren agreed. “Are we like this? Literal heart-eyes emojis around each other?” 

“I don’t know about me,” Elsa shrugged. “But you look like the flirting emoji that you are so fond of texting me. The half-closed eyes, smirk… or the kiss blowing one,” she teased. 

“Very funny,” Maren commented dryly. “I see why you leave the cooking to Anna. This is fantastic.” 

“Hm. Looks like you finished. Have the rest of mine,” Elsa handed her what was once her plate, but now it was just empty. 

“Wow, thanks. The generosity.” 

“It’s on my lips,” Elsa said hastily and smirked. Maren narrowed her eyes. 

“You sly-” Maren kissed her. How could she resist? Elsa tasted like chocolate. It was even more fantastic than Anna’s pie. 

“Someone’s confident,” she said when she pulled away. Elsa blushed and shrugged. 

“I came to a realization.”

“What’s that?”

“Later,” Elsa said, curling back up into Maren’s side. “Right now we are going to celebrate your birthday.” 

“Yes, let’s celebrate me aging.”

“You’re twenty-six,” Elsa rolled her eyes. 

“And you’re twenty-five. I feel so old! Like I was already like starting to walk and probably talk and like, I was teething, and you weren’t even born yet.” 

“Yeah, and now we can both do all those things - well, not teething, but whatever - and so I don’t see too much of a difference.” 

“I love you.” 

“Hm,” Elsa hummed. “Thank you. I love you too.”

* * *

“I just realized,” Elsa giggled, her body sprawled out over Maren’s couch with her head in Maren’s lap. The sounds of the rest of the group chattering were in the background. “Is it a Naturra family thing to get together on people’s birthdays?” 

“What- oh. That did happen. Twice. Huh. Thrice. Maybe. Coincidentally.”

“What was the third time?”

“Maya’s birthday,” Maren shrugged. 

“Oh. Huh,” Elsa said. “Do you miss her?”

“No,” Maren shook her head. “I did. But now I have you and Anna and Kristoff and now Grayson. I’m not as alone anymore. Yeah, sure, her abrupt departure and shitty reasoning took a toll on me, but she doesn’t really matter anymore. Not with all of you. And she’s happy as well, so we were better off apart anyway. I’m happier with you than I was with her and I’m happier now than I ever was before.” 

“That’s good,” Elsa smiled. “I won’t ever leave you like that. If we do break up, you would know the reasoning.”

Hearing Elsa say that made Maren realize just how much nervousness had been building up in her stomach at the thought of it happening again. “Thank you,” she sighed in relief, and it felt like letting go of a breath that she’d been holding for a while. “I don’t know if you know how much that means. And… let’s just hope we _don’t_ break up.” 

“That’s a good thing to hope for,” Elsa agreed, slipping her fingers through Maren’s. 

“It is.”

* * *

Anna and Kristoff had begun to file out slowly, leaving with a couple of hugs and ‘Happy Birthdays’ and, leaving behind a couple of gifts and Elsa, who Maren was sure was drunk on air. Grayson and Ryder left to go back to Ryder’s apartment soon after they left, and were probably making out on Ryder’s couch at the moment. _The sad truth,_ Maren shook her head and laughed. 

Elsa did a choppy pirouette and bumped into the couch, stumbling and falling over the armrest. A crisp, white envelope was in her hand, hanging off the couch. Her cheeks were flushed again and Maren pressed her hand to the blonde’s forehead, and it seemed like her fever had spiked. 

“Your fever’s spiked again,” she informed her giggling girlfriend, who seemed all-too-happy to prove Maren’s theory of her drunkenness, despite never having touched alcohol. Maren wasn’t even sure she had any in her apartment at all, at least nothing strong enough to make Elsa drunk. There were bars for a reason, and Maren didn’t really drink otherwise - she never had a reason to. “Come on, I’ve got your meds over here,” she beckoned for Elsa to follow as she stood and walked over to her bathroom. 

“You’re so blurry, Maren,” Elsa grabbed onto her waist as she stretched to reach where she’d put the meds, and then rested her cheek on Maren’s back. “You look like a bunny.” 

“And you look like you need medicine.”

“Open the card first,” Elsa detached herself and handed Maren the envelope as she sat down on the toilet cover. “You opened everyone else’s gift,” she rubbed her eyes. “And now open mine.”

“Yes, Miss Impatience, I will. Once you take these, you’re acting drunk,” Maren held a cup of water to Elsa’s lips and the blonde took it in her own hand as she downed the pills. “Thank you. And thank you for the card,” she slipped a finger underneath the seal to break it and pulled out the card. 

_Happy birthday, Mare._

_I’d say I love you to the moon and back but that’s kind of creepy once you know that the amount of blood a person pumps in a lifetime stretches to the moon and back and now it feels weird saying that, I think._

That sentence was very, very Elsa. It brought a smile to Maren’s face. 

_Apparently, according to Olaf, who has somehow been obtaining tons of random facts for the past year or so and I don’t know how, it takes up to four minutes to decide whether you like someone. I think that that’s incorrect because it took me like six months. He’s also told me that falling in love can feel like taking a dose of cocaine. That should be a slogan, ‘Hold my hand if you want to get high,’ and there’s alliteration too, so it’s even catchier. However, I’m not sure of the authenticity of all of these because Olaf has also told me that ‘people who claim to have never felt romantic love suffer from hypopituitarism,’ and I think that’s stupid because that’s describing aromanticism. He’s also said that ‘men are more likely to engage in a deeper conversation with women wearing red,’ and now I want to know if any of these facts are true or just heteronormative and stupid._

_I love you,_

_\- Els_

_PS. Wear something red when we go and we’ll test this theory._

_When we go?_ Maren looked up at Elsa, confused. “When we go where?” 

Elsa smiled giddily and motioned for her to look back in the envelope. Maren did and pulled out two tickets. Upon closer inspection, she found them to be - oh wow. 

First ring, row A, seats 111 and 112, to see _Dear Evan Hansen,_ in early June _._ Maren wasn’t completely sure, but she was pretty sure that that would be the first mezzanine, center of the front row. So, really good seats for the view. Maren didn’t exactly love orchestra seats, they were loud and she had to crane her neck to see the actors, so these would give enough of a boost so that she wouldn’t have to crane, but without people blocking their view and central-positioning. In Maren’s eyes, that was perfect. Tears rose to her eyes and she gave Elsa a watery smile.

“You remembered,” she sniffled. 

“You said that it was your favorite,” Elsa said back and opened her arms for a hug, which Maren gladly accepted. “So I knew I had to do something that would make you happy. Plus, romantic. And ice cream. Don’t think that just because Anna’s not going to be there are we passing up on going for ice cream afterwards.” 

Maren laughed and wiped away her tears. “Deal.”

* * *

Elsa burst out laughing, sitting on Maren’s couch, her legs, clad in some of Maren’s pajamas which was a sight that made Maren smile, pulled to her chest. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Your brother finally got around to opening my gift, it seems.” 

“Let me see,” Maren reached for Elsa’s phone and the blonde dropped it into her hand. 

_“ELSA.”_

_“ELSA WTF THIS IS CREEPY.”_ _  
  
_

_“I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE EVERY TIME I WAKE UP WHAT THE FUCK.”_

_“LITERALLY WHAT IS THIS FACE?”_

_“I SWEAR TO GOD THAT’S THE CREEPIEST SMILE I'VE EVER SEEN.”_

_“though i suppose i deserve it don’t i-”_

_“-after what I got you. heh. no regrets.”_

_“Maren loves you so i think that i should say that i love you.”_

_“Goodnight.”_

_“I’m going to freak out this morning when i see this again, I know it. Prepare for my payback in about a year.”_

_“Or sooner. Who knows… ”_

Maren giggled, sitting down next to Elsa. “That pretty much is Ryder in a nutshell, isn’t it?” 

Elsa nodded. “Yes. You as well, but less extreme.”  
  


“Maybe. I think your card was the epitome of Elsa.” 

“What? Was it because I talked about Olaf’s random facts the entire time? What, would you rather some cheesy, Hallmark romance like, ‘Your eyes remind me of the deepest ocean and the prettiest sky, the warmth of a campfire as I fall asleep, the scent of fresh rain in the morning?’”

“I don’t even have blue eyes,” Maren snorted.

“Exactly.”

* * *

“Elsa?” 

The blonde’s head shot up, slowly in her drowsed state, before falling back to the pillow with a grunted, “Huh?”

“Earlier, you said you ‘came to a realization.’ What did you mean by that?” Maren sat down next to her girlfriend. Elsa’s eyes slipped closed as she spoke, slurred mumble. 

“Oh yeah. I-hmm, I just,” she yawned. “I realized that, well…” she sighed and sat up tiredly, moving to sit next to Maren, their legs brushing. “Well, that I- I want- I want to get better, all the way.”

Maren gave her a reassuring smile and Elsa returned it with a little one. 

“And, well, I am _so_ much better. I’ve- I’ve come so far.” Elsa said, fiddling with her fingers. Maren took one of her hands and clasped it between her two own. Elsa drew a shaky breath. “I don’t know what’s- what’s coming,” she admitted. “I don’t know if I’m going to get worse again and then better, but having you and Anna and everyone by my side… well, it just might make it a little easier,” she looked up at Maren and grinned through a few tears that had slid down her cheeks. “And so, I have hope- I have hope. For me. And, well, that’s different. And there was a time that I- I- I would have not,” she sighed and bit her lip. “When I would have been disgusted with myself for feeling this… for feeling happy. For feeling hope. For letting my feelings show. ‘Conceal, don’t feel,’” she spat out bitterly. “Was always my mantra for when things got too rough to handle. It was simple, I would hide any signs of how I felt and that would trick me into not feeling them. But, you know, that’s hard… to get back from,” she leaned a little deeper into Maren’s side. 

“Yeah,” Maren agreed. “It is. I know that it’s nowhere near to the same vicinity, but after Maya, I never really let myself acknowledge how much of a toll she took on me. How bad I really felt. How angry. Sick. Whatever I felt, I wouldn’t let myself feel it. For at least two years. And after that… it was hard to ease myself into letting myself feel angry at her again. She’d just… _left._ And I was mad, and I had rights to be. But I think that’s why it haunted me for so long after… to the point where I was still so much of a wreck about it four and a half years later. Because letting yourself feel things and letting yourself acknowledge them, act on them, and let them run their course is healthy. Except if it could harm another person, letting your feelings out is good for you.”

“I know,” Elsa swallowed. “And, while you’re right, we moved on from different things, they both took their tolls on us and both haunted us for years. And they still do, and that’s okay. It’s valid. And I wish I’d told myself that those years ago. But I didn’t. Now I am,” she sniffled, a small smile on her face. “Now I am.”

Elsa stood up, turning to face Maren and grabbed, lightly, onto Maren’s forearms as she squatted down to be at eye-level. “And I am,” she sniffled, tears dripping down her face. “I-” a sob racked through her body. Maren reached out to wipe away some of her tears, but Elsa swatted her hand away. “Let me cry,” she said weakly, pulling her knees to her chest and offering Maren a watery smile. “It’s only healthy, as you said.” 

Maren wasn’t expecting the rush of pride she felt at Elsa saying that. But it came and it felt really good, like watching a child grow up and become opinionated and free-spirited and a person, their own person; she was watching Elsa grow as a person, grow at being herself, she was watching Elsa’s growth. And Elsa had come so far. And Maren was proud.

So, Maren let her cry. She watched as Elsa sobbed her heart out, crying until she was too exhausted to cry anymore, only giving a warm hug when Elsa picked herself back up off the floor. She tucked Elsa in and then got into bed herself, wrapping her arms loosely over Elsa’s waist. 

Elsa turned in her arms to face her. “And I’m proud of myself.”

“I’m proud of you, too,” Maren whispered, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. 

Elsa smiled, stronger and bolder. Prouder. “I’m proud of myself. I am proud of myself. I. Am. Proud. Of. My. Self,” her words were growing fainter as she started to fall asleep, but the strength in them never faltered. 

Maren smiled at the woman before her, reflecting on the much-more-scared person she had met. Elsa was such a different person, and while Maren would have liked to credit herself to that, she couldn’t. Elsa’s change was entirely her doing, maybe Maren had helped her along, but Elsa had gotten herself to this point. And Maren felt nothing but overwhelming pride.

“And Maren, thank you. Thank you for all you’ve done in helping me. Maybe at one point I thought you were the one I’d been waiting for all of my life, maybe I thought you were my saving grace, and I don’t mean this in a bad way, but you were the one who helped me find who she really is-”

Maren gasped. “You are the one you’ve been waiting for-”

“All of my life,” Elsa nodded in confirmation, a wide, genuine smile on her face. Maybe Maren _would_ get to see it more. 

“All of your life.”


	19. 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor TW: Panic Attacks
> 
> (only a small three-hundred word section but tread lightly if you must.)
> 
> Hey guys! Sorry for the long gap between, my mental health plummeted for a while but I managed to pick myself back up.

It had been just shy of two months - just about two weeks before, in fact - since Elsa had officially started dating Maren, and the signs of the woman slowly coming into her life were beginning to truly show. Likely the most prominent was Elsa’s happiness, and the way that Maren went out of her way to make sure that Elsa had it. Whether that was by buying her small chocolates or by stopping at Elsa’s house unexpectedly, she knew how to cheer Elsa up nearly instantly. There were the smaller things that she did too; the way Maren would intentionally ‘not-intentionally’ brush their hands together while they sat on one of their couches, or trail her warm fingers over Elsa’s hairline in a intoxicating, sleep-inducing way. If Elsa was… well, almost anyone else, she might have wondered what else Maren’s fingers could do. But Elsa was happy and content with what they had and was, quite frankly, repulsed by the idea of taking it any further. And Maren understood that and was okay with that too. And so, they were happy with their little arrangement. It… was nice knowing that there was someone out there who was… in a way, Elsa’s. And it was nice knowing that she was someone’s too. And while that was a bit of a weird concept, Elsa was growing to understand what it meant for her and she was growing to like it too. There was still the daunting question over her head of what it meant for her and what they meant for her future and Maren’s future, but having to deal with it would come up later in their path. For then, Elsa had come to understand that for once, perhaps it was better for her to just live in the moment instead of worrying for the future. And she was coming to learn that letting herself  _ live _ was okay. And that maybe she didn’t always have to pick herself out of her messes  _ alone,  _ that there could be someone to help her get to her feet as well. She was learning that there could be more to her world than Anna, more to her world than Kristoff, more to her world than her  _ fear.  _ And that in spite of her fear, she could be happy. 

That, in spite of her fear, she  _ was  _ happy. 

Elsa was happier than she had ever been in her life. And she was going to let Maren know just how much she meant to her. Somehow. 

* * *

Maren had it all planned out meticulously, each detail precise and perfectly placed. She’d told Elsa the day of her birthday that she was happier than ever been before, but now she wanted to show her girlfriend just that. It had taken nearly a month, but Maren’s stalker-ish habits finally came into use and she was able to carefully pick up on everything she would need to do. Some things, like Elsa’s blatant love for chocolate, were more obvious than others, but Maren had managed to figure out that a) the broadway-play-turned-movie that Elsa had mentioned when they had gone to see Anna in _Annie,_ called _The Snow Queen_ or _Frozen_ or whatever, came out two days before Valentine’s Day and was going to be playing at a dine-in theater a couple of miles from Elsa’s house, that b) Elsa wanted to go to a dine-in theater at some point in her life, that c) Elsa’s favorite _savory_ food was tacos and her favorite food was double chocolate-chip pancakes, and that d) the theater served both of her favorite meals. 

Maren did mention that the movie was coming out two days before Valentine’s Day, right?

Ryder was in on her plan as well, though aside from providing absolutely no help, he also teased Maren about her ‘need for perfection all of a sudden,’ as he put it. Maren told him, simply, that she was doing something nice for her girlfriend and she wanted what she was doing to be perfect. And ‘wouldn’t he like to do that for Gray?’

Evidently, not so much. Ryder had said that he would rather just wing it, because apparently that was ‘more fun.’ 

Whatever. She still had until the fourteenth. Which left her with four days until the movie came out and six until Valentine’s Day, so she had nearly a week left to perfect and finalize the details. 

And so far, Elsa seemed to have no inkling of her plan. Which meant it was going swimmingly. Hopefully. 

* * *

“Hey sis,” Anna shuffled inside Elsa’s apartment, handing her something. Elsa took it, a plastic bag filled with who knew what - this was  _ Anna _ , after all. Elsa eyed her suspiciously. 

“What do you want from me?” she asked, raising an eyebrow a hair's length. Anna hummed, waltzing toward Elsa’s table and placing a few more oddly-shaped bags down. 

“Nothing, nothing,” she sang. “Just wanted to visit my sister, which was allowed the last time I checked.”

“Yes…” Elsa walked over and placed the plastic bag down. “But you come bearing things that I assume are either gifts or trash. Also, you called me ‘sis’ which you pretty much never do unless you want me to do something.” 

“I brought donuts? Double chocolate. Triple, actually - chocolate cake, chocolate frosting, and brownie bites,” Anna licked her lips. “And mochas.”

“You stinker,” Elsa laughed. “Give me.”

Anna placed a donut in Elsa’s hand and a cup of coffee down on a coaster. “And… also, I thought we could do a little craft project.”

Elsa swallowed her mouthful. “Did you ask to find out if I have time for said craft project?” she joked. In response, however, Anna looked fidgety. Elsa frowned. “Are you okay?”

“Well, yeah. Just, I went back to therapy for the first time in a while last week. After seeing Hans… I realized that maybe I’m not as ‘recovered’ as I thought I was,” she shrugged. “And well, my therapist suggested a few things to do to distract myself when I felt my mind slipping back to him, and crafting things was one of them. So with Valentine’s Day coming up I thought we could make stuff for Kristoff and Maren.” 

“Oh, Anna. That’s sweet, and a really good idea. When you put your mind to making or doing something and you’re really, really into it, it can really get your mind off of the bad things. It’s part of why I got into carving and sculpting, because well… you know. When I’m doing that, I can have music running and the music and my focus drown out the bad thoughts.”

Anna nodded in agreement. “My therapist... They said that music was also another good option. And well, it is, because I’ve used it before. But today I was feeling antsy, like I wanted to do something with my  _ hands  _ and so,” she waved her hands at the bags in front of them. “I think I brought all we should need, but I know you would likely have anything if we don’t so I didn’t worry too much.”

Elsa ripped open a bag after taking a swig of the mocha to wash down her donut. “Ooh, glitter! And pom-poms! Wait… why did you get animal figurines?” 

“I, uh, kind of went crazy at Michael’s…”

“What  _ is  _ this even?” Elsa held up a sheet of some… things. 

“Hey!” Anna pouted, grabbing the plastic sheet from Elsa. “Isn’t it obvious? Tiny animal thingies!”

“‘Thingies’ is very descriptive,” Elsa rolled her eyes. Whatever they were, they appeared to be small bubble stickers. “What’s _that?”_ she shoved her finger at a particularly grotesque-looking sticker. “It looks like a decapitated seal!”

“It’s a wolf!”

“Oh,” Elsa giggled and shuffled the remnants of their food away before sitting down and selecting a couple of sheets of construction paper in colors she felt went really nicely together- a violaceous, deep purple and a canary yellow. She got up to get a couple of pencils and a scissor to draft her work down, returning to Anna furiously twisting pipe cleaners into some shape. Elsa chuckled and started to sketch what she wanted to make. She wanted to do a pop-up card of some sort, possibly one that had a paper flower or a paper bouquet that popped up. And Anna seemed to just be… enjoying herself? Or testing her new hoppy of twisting things. 

Elsa knew that Maren liked yellow, so she grabbed a yellow sheet of paper and traced a few teardrop shapes onto it after she folded it a bunch of times. After she got a hold of a scissor, she cut each of them out and unfolded all so that they were little flowers. Maren also liked purple, so she grabbed a purple marker and traced the tops of each of the flowers. “I was thinking of taking Maren to see the film adaptation of  _ The Snow Queen.  _ Do you think she’d like that? I might even get tickets for the dine-in theater that’s sort-of nearby.”

“That sounds like a lovely plan,” Anna’s voice was tense. Elsa looked up at her. 

“Anna,” she began. “Would you like to talk at all about anything? I’m always here for you, you know. Just in case you ever want to say anything,” Elsa was pleased with what she’d created so far. Yellow and purple were complementary colors too, creating for a pretty color scheme. 

“I- I,” Anna sighed. “Yeah.”

Elsa nodded. “So, what’s on your mind that’s weighing you down?” 

“Hans, again,” Anna gave a weary frown. “I know that it doesn’t… but I can’t help but feel like Kristoff shouldn’t want to get married to me anymore. I know that  _ he  _ doesn’t,” she bit her lip, grabbing another few pipe cleaners before continuing. “But  _ I  _ can’t help but feel like he doesn’t deserve a fiance whose ex is still on their mind, even after… what, nearly six years apart?” 

Elsa pursed her lips. She took a glue stick and stuck all the flowers together until they created a chain before gluing them to a navy-blue sheet of paper that she’d cut a sharp heart into. That way, when the card unfolded, it unfolded into a bouquet shape. “Well, I- I think you should keep telling yourself that. That you  _ know  _ that is not how he feels. I don’t- I don’t know. Relationship advice is surprisingly not my forte.”

That evoked a little laugh from the redhead. Anna nodded. “Yeah. I would think so. I think I have to… just keep swimming through this haze. Because I  _ know  _ that I can push through it. I’ve done it before. That doesn’t mean seeing him was any less unsettling… but still.”

“In what way unsettling?”

“What- what do you mean?”

Elsa shrugged. “Like… how did you really feel that day? I should have let you talk more, I know, but I didn’t and I just sent you to bed just like that and I know I should have-”

“Hey!” Anna cut her off sharply with a yelp that left her ears ringing. Elsa jumped back. Anna cleared her throat. “I had no idea that you were  _ still  _ carrying around regret from that. You and I both know that you handled it in the only way you could, and that was comforting me. You and I  _ also  _ both know that neither of us were in any way capable at the moment of talking about our feelings. You know that we both needed time to process them. What are you supposed to say?  _ What  _ do you need to say instead of ‘I’m sorry?’ Because we both know you have nothing to be sorry for.” 

“I- I have nothing to be sorry for,” Elsa sighed. “I know. I know. I’ve been over this with Mare so many times. I’m  _ trying _ . But it feels so daunting.” 

“You’ll get there,” Anna’s eyes were warm. “And I’ll be by your side the whole time. Also, you called her Mare. That’s so cute.” 

“Oh, hush. It’s her name. Now, I want to hear about you. I want to hear how you really, truly felt. If you are okay with that. I know this is cliche, but it’s a safe space here, in my house. What’s said here stays here.” 

Anna giggled. “Are you a therapist now?”   
  


Elsa shrugged. “Maybe Mare’s rubbing off on me a lot more than I thought.”

“She definitely is. You seem to have taken a shot of Maren-Confidence mixed with a double-shot of Newfound-Elsa-Confidence. And I’m proud of you for that. Now, about me…” Anna hesitated. Elsa reached for a few more things and began to doodle a butterfly. No- a bee. A honeybee. “Well, when we saw him, it was scary,” Anna continued with her admission. “I had thought that… well, that he was away. That  _ I  _ was away. That moving to a different borough would be safe enough. How… how could I have been so wrong?”

“You weren’t wrong. It was my- my- my fault,” Elsa sniffled. “I should have done more to get us away but all I could think about was myself and at the moment just getting out of the house seemed like the best idea but  _ I  _ was wrong and now-”

“Oh Elsie. When will you learn that not everything that goes wrong is your fault? Look, we both screwed up. But now, we’re moving on. We’re recovering.”

Anna’s cheeks shone with tears, but even still she managed to console her sister. Elsa smiled. “What would I do without you?” 

“Oh, don’t worry. You’ll always have me.” 

Elsa grinned at that. Happy with her work, she sat back with a pleased sight and commenced to rummage through the bags that Anna had brought until she found some ribbon. She started to tie it into a bow and attach it to the paper but an idea stopped her. She found some nicely patterned paper and cut a few shapes from it and then glued them to the rim of the paper. Small, yellow + purple striped hearts and butterflies. Then, she fixed the ribbon to the page. 

“I- oh, Elsa!” Anna exclaimed. “That’s beautiful!” she motioned to Elsa’s card and then held up her own creation, a bouquet of pipe-cleaner flowers. “Much better than mine, at least. But we already knew who the real crafter was.”

“No-” Elsa swallowed thickly. “Yours  _ is  _ good.”

“Oh, don’t sound  _ so _ enthusiastic. I can’t take the ardor.” 

Elsa rolled her eyes as she fastened the honeybee she’d created to the flowers. “I just have to add some glitter,” she grinned. “You can keep talking.” 

Anna nodded in acknowledgement. “I- I’ve been thinking about a restraining order.”

Elsa drew a sharp breath but nodded. “Go on.”

“I’ve done some research into them and have more than enough evidence against him,” she placed her phone down on the table and Elsa saw messages from a number that reached from around six years ago until they stopped two years after, when Anna had blocked it. Elsa furrowed her brows, wondering what had kept Anna from blocking it for two years. “I kept meaning to block it,” she said upon seeing Elsa’s confusion. “But there kept being something inside that told me that I was overreacting and would be back with him soon enough.”

“Oh, Anna-”

“And then I did block him, but,” she retracted her phone and spent a few seconds typing on its screen. “This happened. I blocked him as soon as I received this though.”

Elsa looked and saw a long message from a different number. Just skimming over the first few lines made her sick. They were filled with anger and what seemed to be sarcastic apologies. Elsa frowned.

“Along with what happened last month and a few voice messages that I’ve gotten, I’d say I’ve racked up a good amount of evidence against him in the name of stalking, and the four years of verbal abuse I went through as well.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were getting these?” Elsa looked up, her eyes wide and lip protruding. 

“You were going through a lot, Elsa. This was all mostly four years ago, and back then you were still having panic attacks almost always multiple times a day. Not to mention near-daily nightmares and the tons of flashbacks you were getting. And I was ignoring them, and I was young and naive, so I thought that ignoring this was all that I could do. Well, now I know that there is so much more that I can do to keep him away.” 

“And you’re thinking that you’re going to go through with it?”

“Well, Kris and I are meeting with a lawyer next week to talk through my options.” 

Elsa took a deep breath. It rattled through her lungs. She knew that this was what Anna needed, that Anna  _ needed _ this… And she knew that she didn’t have the rights in any way to hold Anna back from securing a fear-free future. So she nodded, pushing away her fear. Anna smiled at her. “So, yeah. I think I will.”

Elsa nodded fretfully. “Okay. About earlier, it’s unrelated, but you  _ do  _ think Mare would like seeing the movie with me?”

“Why wouldn’t she?”

“I mean, she did say she’d like to see it with me,” Elsa sighed. “I- I don’t know,” she whined. “But you think it’s a good idea?”

“It’s an amazing idea,” Anna confirmed. “And they have double chocolate-chip pancakes on the menu there. I went with Kristoff to see  _ Infinity Wars _ when it came out.” 

“Oh, right. I vaguely remember that. I don’t think we actually talked about it much… the experience, I mean. We talked about the movie plenty. Remember? I was busy when you guys went so I saw it on my own time later. Such a good movie.” 

“It was. The experience was really nice and the food was good. I’d say it was romantic, but we were both so engrossed in the film that neither of us were paying attention to each other.”

Elsa smiled at that statement, picturing the scene. Anna chuckled, looking down at her sister. 

“You have glitter glue in your hair-” she started to say, her hand reaching out to Elsa’s face. Something dark flashed across her vision and Elsa gasped as her legs tensed, carrying her straight out of her chair, the rest of Anna’s statement lost to a fog clouding her brain. 

_ Glitter glue in your hair, glue in your hair, in your hair, in your hair, _ she whimpered as her knees buckled beneath her and she clattered to the ground, shrinking into herself until she was curled into a ball.  _ In her hair, in her glue, glue in her hair-  _

In an instant, Anna was up and next to Elsa, holding her tightly. “Hey, Snowflake. Elsie, love, you’re okay. I don’t know what’s going through your mind,” her tone was hushed and delicate, comforting against the loud hammering of Elsa’s heart. “But whatever it is, no one is going to hurt you. I won’t let them, Snowflake.”

“No, nonononono-”

“Elsa, can you breathe with me?” there was a loud sound like the wind from somewhere behind Elsa’s head- but as soon as it was there, it was gone, replaced by a looming, black shadow. 

“I didn’t mean to get it in her hair, I didn’t- it was an accident! I’m sorry-” she mewled, shielding her face from the darkness. “I’ll get it out, I’ll get it out- nonononono-”

“Snowflake, I’m here. Just breathe with me, okay? Try to breathe with me, Elsie. Like this,” Anna was saying something- 

“No, no, nonono, I can’t,” Elsa whispered hoarsely. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t breathe- I can’t can't can’t can’t can’t-” 

“You’re doing great,” Anna said quietly. “Just follow what I’m doing, see? Please,” she paused to take a long, deep breath before continuing, her voice cracking as she spoke. “Come back to me.” 

Elsa closed her eyes as Anna’s fingers moved to brush her cheek, whispering soft nothings into her ears until she was able to get a deep breath in. The tenseness in her muscles immediately slacked and she found herself collapsing into Anna’s arms. Despite not mentally being there fully, she was in  _ Anna’s  _ arms and that was somewhere she knew she was safe. She turned a flushed face, hot with tears, into her sister’s chest and breathed while Anna gently pressed her lips onto the crown of Elsa’s head. “You’re okay,” the redhead murmured. “I’ve got you,” she brushed blonde hair out of pale azure eyes and sighed in relief when Elsa nodded. “But you’re jittery,” she smiled, lopsided and laced with fear, and stroked Elsa’s collarbone. “So maybe no more caffeine for now.”

That elicited a tiny chuckle from Elsa’s lips. Anna took advantage of the moment and helped Elsa to her feet. “We’re going to sit on the couch now. And you’re going to cuddle close and be safe in my arms.” 

Limply, Elsa made it to her couch, where she collapsed into its plush cushions. Anna sat next to her and gathered her up in her arms. Elsa’s jaw quivered against her chest. 

“Do you want to watch a movie? We just talked about some heavy stuff and I totally understand if you need a break.” 

Elsa opened her mouth to respond, but snapped it shut as the dam broke and gasping sobs seized her body instead. “I thought I was past this,” she wept. “It had been so long and I was supposed to be getting better but I’m not!!” 

“Oh, but Elsa, you  _ are.  _ You are so much better. And you know that things take time. It was a panic attack, that’s all.  _ One.  _ You are doing so well, Elsie. And you’ll recover. _ ”  _

Elsa sniffed loudly, clinging onto her sister’s shirt as if for dear life. “Really?” she whispered, fearfully.

“Of course. You’re the strongest person I know. And besides, do you think I  _ could  _ lie?” Anna caressed her face, consolingly stroking her shaking jawline and holding her closely. Elsa smiled at the joke and Anna returned it as she cradled her close. “I’ve got you, snowflake. I’ve got you. It’s okay to let it go.” 

Eventually, Elsa’s strangling cries subsided, but she didn’t have enough energy left to do much but rest against Anna and close her eyes. She was okay, she was okay. Anna was right, she was better, so, so much better. She’d said it herself,  _ ‘I’ve come so far,’  _ and one panic attack wasn’t going to contradict that statement. She was  _ more  _ than her panic attacks and her bad dreams. “Okay,” she said. “Okay. You’re right, I know. I’m more than my trauma.”

“You are more than your trauma,” Anna confirmed and hugged her tighter, her heartbeat steady and comforting, pulling Elsa to sleep. 

“Please don’t let the bad dreams come,” she whispered. She was more than them, more than them- but that didn’t mean they weren’t scary. It meant she would pull through even though they were. Anna flashed her a sad smile.

“They’d have to get through me first, if they even dared try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find a tutorial for the card that I used to inspire what Elsa made [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ce2qNNfl8Ss) (I've made it before, this tutorial is super clear and easy to follow. The card is beautiful and seems complicated, but is actually quite easy)


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh. this chapter was a beast and I still kind of hate it, but here you go anyway. If I didn't force myself to put it out now, I never would. because of this, it's not very well proofread. So. Yeah. enjoy anyway, I guess?

Maren had thoughtfully put together every ounce of her Valentine’s Day scheme, dragging Ryder into it, much to his vexation. But now, his opinion was insignificant; it was showtime. She was meeting with Elsa in just about five minutes, and by this point, excitement was literally coursing through her veins. She had a certain amount of zeal built up in anticipation about seeing Elsa’s reaction to her gift… her plan.The course of events that she had arranged, well… she hoped that Elsa would be just as happy to do what they were going to do as she was. Because she needed Elsa to know how much she meant to her. She needed Elsa to know how much Maren loved her. She needed to _prove_ to Elsa just how much she did. The subway cars screeched to a halt at the station she would be getting off, the doors creakily opening with a _‘Coney Island/Stillwell Avenue-bound F express train,’_ and about five seconds later a _‘Please stand clear of the closing doors.’_ Maren hummed, a box of chocolate and movie tickets in tow, as she hopped off the train car. The automated voice tended to haunt her dreams. 

_ ‘Please stand clear of the closing door.’ ‘Please stand clear of the closing door.’ _

As a kid, she used to have the exact moment the announcement would come on memorized, and so whenever it did, she used to think she was so cool for being able to say it exactly in time with the recording. 

The naivety of young children. Sometimes, they almost reminded her of Elsa- but in a good way, of course.

She ended up in front of Elsa’s house to find the blonde woman already standing there. “Hey babe. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Elsa gave her a tender smile that quickly turned into a smirk. “Ready to celebrate heteronormativity?”

“Oh shush,” Maren chastised playfully. “I got you chocolate,” she handed over the box and Elsa greedily took it, a smug grin on her face. 

“I got you- rather, made you a card,” she shrugged, handing Maren an unassuming, bulky, white piece of paper folded in half. Maren took it, the front adorned with golden doodles and precise calligraphy that read, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.’ There was a fair amount of glitter around the edges too. Maren smiled as she peeled open the pages and gasped when it popped out at her. 

“Wow, Els- I, wow. It’s beautiful. You  _ made  _ this?” 

Elsa nodded as a blush slowly painted itself across her neck. “You like it?”

“Of course I do, love. Thank you so much,” she moved to kiss Elsa on the cheek, but missed and ended up kissing the corner of her mouth. 

“That’s not all,” Elsa bit her lip. “Hang on. I’ll be right back.”

Elsa disappeared behind her door and swiftly returned a few minutes later with a smile on her flushed cheeks. She’d placed her chocolates on her table, Maren could see just the edge of the red box from her vantage point.“I got tickets to the movie I was talking about when we saw  _ Annie.”  _

“Shit,” Maren couldn’t help the laughter that escaped her mouth. Her attempts at stopping it were unsuccessful, so she soon found herself doubled over. Elsa frowned as she watched, tentatively reaching out a hand to Maren’s back.

“Are you okay?”

“Nono, I am, I am, just-” Maren giggled, wiping away tears. “I just- shit, I just,” she sniffed. “I just- I did the same thing!”

“What?” the corners of Elsa’s lips turned up in a chortle. Maren caught her breath and stood up, fishing through her bag to find the tickets. 

“See?” she held hers out next to Elsa’s phone, where Elsa had the tickets online. “They’re even at the same theater. Wow.”

Elsa simpered and ran her fingers through her hair. “I’d crack a joke but I actually don’t know what to do. Should we give one of these to Anna and Kristoff? You have better seats but mine are for a later showing.”

Maren looked up at her girlfriend. “Better seats?   
  


Elsa rolled her eyes and snickered. “Yeah, better seats. Duh.”

“So those can go to Anna and Kristoff if they want them. Or Gray and Ryder. Oh, and this way the rest of the day I had planned can still go on the way I had planned it.”

Elsa looked at Maren, her eyes wide, before her gaze dropped to the ground. “You planned the whole day?” she mumbled, her hand taking residence over her heart. Maren smiled, pushing a finger under Elsa’s jaw so that the blonde looked up at her. 

“Oh you have no idea what I’ve got in mind, sweetheart.” 

Elsa smiled widely, throwing her arms around Maren’s neck. The sudden motion caused Maren to stumble back for a second, but then she gently patted Elsa’s back. “You’re choking me,” she whispered. Elsa let go, biting at her lip to keep her face from exploding into a smile, which only made  _ Maren _ smile harder. “Well, we have just under a half-hour until the movie- rather, the  _ trailers _ start, so what do you say we get going?” 

“Okay,” Elsa nodded eagerly. Maren started to walk but then stopped and turned around. 

“But first, what do you have to ask me?”

“Wh-wha?” Elsa’s brows started to coalesce together in confusion, but then a goofy beam appeared on her face as she rolled her eyes. “Will you be my valentine?” she murmured.

“Yes,” Maren kissed Elsa’s reddening cheeks, which caused the blush to darken. The pink dancing along lightly-freckled skin only made Maren want to kiss it even more, but she refrained from doing so. “Of course. Now let’s go.” 

* * *

Elsa had to say that the animators did a good job of turning the play into the movie, even though they took away some songs that were in the play. They added more scenes in, created a slightly different storyline, and made the protagonist subtly gayer. Elsa had never realized this, but looking back, maybe that was why she had always felt connected to Celeste, though it could also likely be her isolation from her sister, Lux. In different ways, they both had a secret weighing on their chests for years, and in different ways, both their secrets had spun from trauma. Elsa’s had been more ongoing than Celeste’s in the play, but she was definitely able to recognize telltale signs of PTSD in the character. Of prominence, there were flashback scenes. And the fear… the fear of facing the source of your trauma (even though Cel’s sister had unintentionally caused the traumatic incident) again, Elsa recognized that. And the mantras that they berated into themselves just to get a taste of normalcy, just to get a sense of what  _ life  _ was, outside of the only world they’d ever known. The world of fear... and of fearing the world. 

“Did you like it?” she turned to Maren as they left the theater into the cooling air. The high of noon had passed, but the sun was still bright in the sky. Maren nodded. 

“Yeah,” she smiled. “But they really expected me to leave the theater not absolutely drooling over Cel when she let her hair down?”

Elsa shook her head and laughed.

“I- I see a lot of you in her, honestly,” Maren looked up and down Elsa’s body. “Not just physically, though I may be onto something… your hair  _ is  _ similar… not to mention your apparel choices... But characteristically? You’ve got a very similar personality, too.” 

“I,” Elsa hummed. “I’ve always seen a lot of myself and my story in her and her story too. It’s probably part of the reason I liked the play so much in the first place. It was… well, one of the first things I did with Anna after… after they died. We went to see it. It was one of the first milestones in my recovery.”

“Yeah,” Maren’s face softened. “Though… the scenes between her and the Campfire Girl? I don’t remember her name,” Maren laughed.

“Thisbe, I think? She wasn’t in the play. She seemed to have been thrown in specifically as queerbaiting. And they  _ sang. _ ”

“They were so gay,” Maren shook her head. “ _ Soooo  _ gay.” 

“Totally,” Elsa beamed. “The whole,  _ ‘You know, you belong up here?’  _ All I could hear from that was,  _ ‘Come home with meeeeeeee-’”  _

“Lovebirds,” Maren scrunched her nose. “I ship it. What should it be called?”

“Disney are cowards?” Elsa chirped. Maren giggled.

“I was thinking more along the lines of  _ Celesbe  _ or- oh my god, I didn’t even realize how gay  _ Celesbe  _ sounded until I said it outloud. It literally sounds like the beginning of  _ Ce-lesbian,  _ which is funny because it almost sounds like a bad pronunciation of  _ ce lesbienne  _ which is French for this lesbian- ” Maren wiped away tears of laughter from her eyes. “But I like your ship name better.” 

“I mean, they are cowards,” Elsa smiled and shrugged. “But those little interactions? Tell me they weren’t queerbaiting as hell.” 

“Why? ‘Cause gays are going to hell?” Maren joked. “Oh ye-”

“Oh shut it. You know that’s not what I meant,” Elsa sighed with a flourished eye-roll. “All I meant was they took Cel and made her gayer, though she was definitely already gaycoded in the play. They like… practically introduced a love interest, for god’s sake.”

“Totally,” Maren chuckled. “ _ Thisbe  _ too. From Thisbe and Pyramus, the literal inspiration for  _ Romeo and Juliet.  _ Anyway, there’s a lot left to do today. Let’s head on with our plan.” 

“I don’t think you can call it ‘our plan’ when I’m still in the dark about… everything about it.” 

“You won’t be in the dark soon, because we're going somewhere bright! I…  _ I  _ think it’s bright, at least.”

“Fine,” Elsa sighed. “Here we go, into the unknown.” 

“ _ First,  _ that was a song and I loved it. But second, you’re the only person who doesn’t know where we’re going.” 

“Hmph,” Elsa groaned. “It better be somewhere good though.” 

“I can give you a clue?”

“Hm, sure.”

“Okay so… No, actually, I like the suspense.”

“Oh, you’re the worst.”

“I doubt you’ll still think so soon.”

* * *

A rubber duck store.

A  _ rubber duck  _ store.

Elsa couldn’t believe it. Maren had taken her to a rubber duck store. “You took me to a duck store,” she said in disbelief.

“ _ Oaken’s  _ Ducks, to be exact,” Maren nodded.

“And… Why are we here? This feels stupid.”

“Pride duckies!” Maren held up a rainbow duck. Elsa chuckled.

“But it’s not Pride month.”

“So? It’s Pride all year round, we just happen to celebrate it a little more in June. Also, the owner of the shop is gay and likes to celebrate that. Look, here’s an Ace duckie!” 

Elsa ran her fingers over the smooth surface of the rubber duck. “He could go with my lesbian flag. I could name him Ace, which is probably the most creative name you’ve ever heard. Do you think we could find demiromantic?” 

“Probably. I know Oaken makes sure to stock MOGAI flags because, as he’s told me, ‘He likes seeing how happy people are when they find their flag, even if it isn’t a very well-known orientation.’ And if you ask him to order a specific flag he doesn’t have, he will. Oh look, here’s an even better ace duck!” Maren held up a duck in the ace colors, wearing an astronaut helmet. Elsa laughed.

“Oh my god, it’s a space ace!”

“Yup!” Maren beamed. Elsa dug through the bucket of Pride ducks while Maren went to look in other corners of the shop. 

“I found one,” Elsa picked up a duck- rather, a ghost. A ghost-duck with green triangles and black stripes. Maren came over to look at it. 

“Aw, it’s so cute. I like it’s eyes, they look so happy. I found a duck eating a hamburger!” 

Elsa giggled. “Are you going to get that?”

“Maybe. I already have a bi-duck, it’s name is Duri. Which is- because like you, I’m creative- the first name that came up when I searched up ‘names meaning two.’”

“I love creativity,” Elsa said. “Yet I have none of it.”   
  


“Your card would beg to differ.”

Elsa rolled her eyes. “That’s different. I’m terrible at naming things.”

“Bruni and Olaf?” Maren quirked a brow. “So those were just one-time occurrences... or?”

“Anna named them, technically. Olaf was a snowman we built as kids and Bruni was a salamander that we tried to keep as a pet.”

Maren snorted. “That’s cute. You know what, though? I might get this one,” she held up a gray and purple duck. “It’s the gray-a flag,” she shrugged. 

“Oh, you should get it then!” Elsa squealed and cleared her throat when Maren gave her a side-eyed look. “Look,” she deadpanned. “It’s Valentine’s Day, a holiday built on heteronormativity. All the more reason to celebrate who we are.”

Maren’s smile softened. “I think I will, then.”

“I’m going to get these guys too. Thanks, Mare. I know that I said it was stupid, but this is actually really nice.”

Maren beamed back at her after placing the two ducks on the register counter. “Do you still think that I’m the worst?”

“No, Mare,” Elsa said. Under her breath, she added, “you’re not  _ the _ worst.”

“Hey!” Maren spun around. “I heard that!”

* * *

The rest of the day they spent walking around Manhattan, making their way through Downtown and starting to slowly get to Midtown, browsing through shops and walking through markets with their many stalls. By the time it was five-thirty, they’d already gotten into Uptown Manhattan. 

“Third stop,” Maren grinned, turning around to face Elsa, who was stumbling to catch up with Maren’s brisk walking. “Out of four.”

“You know that you really don’t have to-”

Maren merely shrugged in response to Elsa’s insistence of reminding her that. “But I want to. You deserve a little fun every now and again on someone else, my love.”

Something in Elsa’s chest fluttered when Maren said that.  _ My love.  _

“And so… I got us reservations at a fancy Italian restaurant. After that… well, you’ll see.”

Elsa caught up to Maren. “O-Okay... I just want you to know that I’m happy just to be with you and that-”

Maren cut her off with a kiss and Elsa recoiled in shock for a brief second before leaning into it. “Well now you’ll be even more happy,” Maren smiled when she pulled away. Elsa’s face was still twisted in a state of bewilderment but she shook her head to clear it. 

“Okay. Thank you, Mare.”

“So, let’s go. It’s in Brooklyn, right by-” Maren cleared her throat. “Nowhere. We’ll catch the D and then transfer to the Q and then transfer again to the L. Then we’ll walk a bit and we’ll be right there! And then there’s only a-”

“A what?” Elsa smirked. 

“A nothing,” Maren grumbled. 

“You can tell me,” Elsa placed her hand on Maren’s shoulder. “I really don’t mind it not being a surprise.”

“Yeah, but  _ I _ do. So come on, it’ll take about an hour to get there from here, and this way, we’ll be there just early for the seven o’clock reservation I got,” Maren said. 

“Thanks, Mare… that’s really nice,” Elsa smiled. Something inside her gut smiled along. She felt good… really, really  _ good _ . And happy. Really happy.

“Anything for you, my love.”

Elsa felt her cheeks redden as the pleasant warmth and fuzziness settled back in the pit of her belly. Maren smirked at her, clearly pleased with the reaction her words got.

“Now,” she said, threading her fingers through Elsa's. “What do you say we get a move on? It’s already five thirty-three.”

“Okay,” Elsa swallowed. “The D station is nearby, I saw it when we wandered over here.” 

“Okay. We should be there soon, then,” Maren nodded and started to walk. “Since we left early enough to have nearly a half hour left over, we can stop at your place so you can take your meds.” 

“Maren! Thank you for being so thoughtful,” Elsa gushed. “It means so much to me that you remembered that and put time in to make sure that I could do all-”

Sensing some babbling coming on, Maren quieted her with a kiss and they embarked on their journey. The train rides, complete with the transfers and walking and their one stop, took a little over an hour, as Maren had anticipated. By the time they were in front of the restaurant, it was just before seven. “Here we are,” Maren gestured to the place, dim-lit from low street lights reflecting off the asphalt, red bricks lining a gold-colored sign announcing the place as one of the best italian restaurants in the city, according to the New York Times. Elsa smiled. 

“Thank you. This looks really nice.”

They made their way in, through a bustling line of people without reservations to a front desk where Maren gave her name and they were taken through the restaurant to the back, weaving through plush red cushions to get to their mostly-secluded table. Menus were brought almost as soon as they sat down, along with chilled glasses of water. “Happy Valentine’s Day?” Elsa raised her cup, legs bouncing underneath the table. She’d never felt quite so… giddy? Was that the word?

“I’ll toast to that,” Maren said with a smile and a smize and clinked her glass of water to Elsa’s. 

* * *

“Fourth and final stop,” Maren grinned as they left the restaurant, full of happiness, smiles, and cheesy Italian food. “It’s about… ten minutes of a walk from here, and we can walk down by the water.” 

“And… as nice as that sounds- the walk-  _ where  _ are we going?”

Maren pulled her phone from her pocket and typed a few things on its surface before showing it to Elsa. “I got us a hotel for tonight,” she showed Elsa a few photos of a room similar to what she’d gotten, a queen bed with a balcony overlooking the harbor. “I don’t know,” she admitted, her tone almost sheepish. “But I thought it would be nice.”

A soft, happy smile pressed itself onto Elsa’s cheeks, her world exploding into  _ color.  _ “Oh, Honey!” she exclaimed and threw herself into a hug. “It's perfect!”   
  
Maren gave her a tender smile when Elsa retracted herself. 

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Elsa tilted her head. 

“You called me Honey!” Maren gushed. 

“Oh-” it had slipped out without Elsa realizing. She looked up at Maren. “Is that okay?”

Maren nodded. “Never stop saying it.”

* * *

The stars shined through the little crack of space between curtain and curtain, dappling the floor in broken fragments of light. Maren watched through blurred eyes as they danced across the purple, plush carpeting.

“Honey?” Elsa whispered from somewhere behind her. 

Maren couldn’t bring herself to flip over and face her girlfriend. She sighed. 

“Thank you for today,” Elsa’s lips brushed over her fingers. Maren nodded. “Are- are you okay?” a warm hand came to rest on her shoulder. Maren shrugged it off. “No, we’re  _ not  _ doing this,” Elsa’s tone turned curt, almost sour. “We are  _ not  _ pushing each other away.  _ Please,  _ Maren.”

“I’m sorry,” Maren sniffed, rolling over with a sigh, her tear-stained face coming into Elsa’s view. The blonde’s features softened as she took Maren’s hand in hers.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just- I don’t feel like I’ve done enough,” Maren said, almost choking on a sob. Elsa pulled her into a seated position and wrapped her in a hug. 

“You’ve done so much,” she said, voice gentle, her cool fingers stroking Maren’s arm from her shoulder blade to her wrist. “I couldn’t have asked for more.”

Maren hated how vulnerable she felt as she turned her face into Elsa’s stomach. “Couldn’t or  _ wouldn’t  _ have?” she mumbled. 

Elsa hesitated long enough for Maren to get her answer. She pulled away from the embrace and turned around. “See,” she said. “You  _ wouldn’t _ have, but even you know that I could have given you more.”

“No, Honey. Maybe you could have, but I don’t need or want more. What I need and want is for you to be happy too. You said that you did this all for me because I deserve to be happy, and while you're right that I do, you also deserve to be happy. And if you're not, then let me help you,” Elsa pleaded, crawling over the bed to sit next to Maren. She placed her hand on Maren’s shoulder, but the brunette grumbled and flung it off. Elsa groaned and stood up to face her. “Please. You’ve helped  _ me _ so much. Now let me help you too. Whatever it is, you can tell me anything.”

Maren opened her mouth to respond but clamped it shut as a sob wracked through her body and she fell forward into Elsa’s arms. “I’m sorry,” she cried. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Elsa responded. Maren pondered how it fell off her tongue so easily when she was comforting someone else, but when being told that  _ she  _ didn’t have anything to be sorry for, she could apologize for  _ that.  _ Maren clicked her teeth together. 

“But I do,” Maren whispered into her palms. She cracked open an eye and looked between her fingers to Elsa. “Because I haven’t done enough to prove to you that I love you and now-”

“Why would you have to prove to me that you love me?” Elsa looked hurt. Maren cursed herself internally for that, she’d vowed months ago to never be the one causing Elsa pain. “Do you not believe that I know?” Elsa continued quietly and her lip quivered slightly as she met Maren’s gaze. “Is it something I’ve done that makes you feel this way? Do you not think that I appreciate all you’ve done?”

“No- I do,  _ I  _ just-” Maren groaned through hot tears. “You don’t understand,” she sobbed. “I  _ have to _ prove this to you,” she pleaded. Elsa frowned. 

“I don’t want you to  _ ever  _ feel like you’d have to prove something to me,” she said. Maren sniffled. Elsa’s expression softened as she kneeled in front of her and placed her hands on her warm, wet cheeks. Brushing her thumbs underneath Maren’s eyes and pushing away Maren’s hands from her cheeks, she leaned in and pressed a warm kiss on Maren’s lips. “Because you don’t ever have to. And if you feel like you have to, then I’m probably not being appreciative enough. But I  _ need  _ you to know that I appreciate and love everything that you do for me and I need you to know that you shouldn’t feel the need to prove your love to me because you already have, Honey. But also, your love isn’t something that you should feel like you need to prove. If  _ I  _ am not doing enough to let you know that  _ I love you  _ or that I cherish all you do then I want you to let me know. And if I keep doing so, then… leave me. Because you don’t deserve that. You deserve so much, Honey. More than I can ever give. But I want to be giving you my all and if I’m ever not, you need to let me know so that I can.  _ Please.”  _

“I- Okay,” Maren said. “Okay.”

Elsa nodded, pulling away from her face to sit next to her. “Good. Thank you.”

Maren leaned into her girlfriend and rested her head on her shoulder. “I’m- I’m  _ not  _ sorry,” she corrected herself. “Because I don’t have to be sorry for being scared. It’s just- It’s just… Maya,” she swallowed thickly.

“What about her?”

“I just… She just  _ left  _ me. And I was so broken. I needed her and I couldn’t have her. I can’t-” she broke off and sighed. “I can’t go through that again.”

Elsa took Maren’s hand. “So that’s why you feel like you have to prove your love for me,” she concluded, looking at Maren for verification. When Maren nodded sheepishly, Elsa bit down on her lip as she processed the information. “Okay. Well. That short answer is that you don’t. The long answer is that you don’t, because someone who’s with you and actually loves you shouldn’t need confirmation that you love them. They should trust that you do, unless you’ve given them any reason not to. And you haven’t, Mare. You haven’t.”

Elsa looked at Maren. “Do you understand that? Do you understand that you have not,  _ in any way,  _ given me any reason to not trust you, Honeymaren Naturra?”

Maren nodded. Elsa pursed her lips.

“Good. So  _ please,  _ Honey. Don’t feel like you have to prove that to me.”

Maren looked at Elsa, blurred eyes and all, and pulled her into a kiss, holding her close. She had Elsa, and Elsa had her. That wasn't going to change anytime soon. She sighed, wiped her eyes, and smiled. 

"I won't. Thank you, Elsa. Thank you."


End file.
